I wish more than anything that I could safely say I've never, in my 29 years on planet earth, faked an orgasm. But alas, my lovely girl creatures, my mother raised me to never tell a lie, regardless of the sore weight of humiliation or the dire pitfalls of consequence.
So I will humbly confess: I've faked the Big O more times than I could count.
I know what you're thinking. I'm a terrible feminist who is wildly disempowered and recklessly promoting the art of the false orgasm to a young, impressionable readership.
Allow me to kindly disclaim that I do not, in any way shape or form, condone faking anything, let alone orgasms. I believe in my heart of hearts that every girl should feel so authentically secure in her identity, body and sexuality that she attains the wherewithal to confidently express what feels good and what doesn't feel good to her partner.
So why am I advertising the fake O on the Internet? Why even mention something so sex negative?
Good question, kittens. I happen to strongly believe the most empowering thing a girl can do is be honest about her life experiences. Especially the slew of insecure, stupid things she's done that she regrets.
Truth be told, I haven't faked an orgasm in a good three to five years. That being said, when I was a young, insecure teenager who was wildly self-conscious in her sexual identity, I used to fake orgasms all of the f*cking time. It was part of my sex routine (red flag: sex and routine should never be used in the same sentence).
I didn't exactly grow up with a comprehensive, sex-positive education. In school, I learned that sex resulted in AIDS, death and disease. End of story. No room for discussion.
So I learned about sex where most Millennials attending non-progressive public schools learned about sex -- the gym locker room.
By the time I was 13, I was ingrained, down to the depths of my teen girl soul, with the notion that sex was simply for male pleasure. That us girls were nothing but tools in the sex game, pretty little vessels with one intention and ONE intention only -- to get the boy off.
It literally didn't occur to me that sex was something I was supposed to enjoy until my early 20s (and I was one of the original middle school "sluts").
It didn't help that the media I consumed only validated and reinforced my skewed sexual belief system. Every pop song on the radio, every teen TV show and every online advertisement was directed toward a straight, heterosexual, MALE eye (a philosophy known as the "male gaze").
Some of my most vivid adolescent memories consist of practicing the art of the blowjob on a yellow banana with my girlfriends during a sleepover in the seventh grade. We constantly talked about the best way to make our boyfriend's come, how to turn boys on and even practiced kissing on each other in hopes it would make us better for the boy (a ritual I enjoyed a little too much -- first cautionary sign of my eventual lesbianism).
Yet as openly as we discussed sex, we never discussed our own bodies. We never discussed how we wanted to be pleased or what turned us on. And of course, it was a given that a key part of pleasing our partners was to provide them with an enthusiastic orgasm. Even if our partners had no idea what the f*ck they were doing.
I mean, my peers and I might not have had sex ed at school, but we knew how to download porn on the Internet. And the girl always enthusiastically "came" in porn.
So I followed the lead of society, my friends, porn and the media -- I faked it. Not every time. But most of the time. It just seemed easier than communicating, you know?
And I don't think my story is that uncommon. Let’s be honest, girls: How often are we really told it's okay to express our pleasure levels to our partners?
The other day, I thought about all the orgasms I've faked in my 29 years on planet earth. And I wrote them down, crumpled them up, tossed them into the proverbial fire pit and said a little prayer for all the little orgasms that could have been.
1. The "Let's Get This Over With” Orgasm
This is known as the lazy orgasm. It's the type of orgasm you fake when it's been a long day, you're tired as all hell and just want to get the deed the f*ck over with. It's not a great, epic performance, but a quick, just-convincing-enough moan.
2. The "Ego" Orgasm
This is when you're sleeping with someone whose self-worth is directly connected to whether or not you have an orgasm. It's a lot of pressure knowing the magnitude of your orgasm has the ability to make or break another human being.
It’s commonly known as the "validation" orgasm, but it’s not to be confused with...
3. The "Throw 'Em A Bone" Orgasm
This is the kind of orgasm you fake when you're having sex with a really, really nice person who just isn't getting you off despite great efforts.
You figure, F*ck it, might as well throw em' a bone and make em' feel good about himself for a fleeting minute.
The next girl who sleeps with him might not be so selfless.
4. The "I Didn’t Finish, But I’m Finished" Orgasm
This is when the sex has been amazing, but you're DONE. It's been so mind-blowing that you might as well have orgasmed, but for some reason your body isn't giving you the magical O tonight.
You know your partner will never understand how fantastic the sex was unless you orgasm, so you fake the sh*t out of it.
5. The "My Mind Has Officially Wandered Elsewhere" Orgasm
What? I'm a Millennial born into the digital age. I have diagnosed ADHD and don't take Adderall. I can only focus on anything for so long.
6. The "Pornstar" Orgasm
Have you ever had sex that feels more like acting than actual connected sex? You put on such a melodramatic performance that a camera crew might as well be in the bedroom.
This is usually when the sex is really vanilla (or you're really drunk) and are trying to spice things up by acting like your Jenna Jameson.
This is rarely pulled off, by the way.
7. The "I Don’t Want You To Think I’m Sexually Broken" Orgasm
This is a sad orgasm. It's when the sex feels really good, but for some reason you just can't finish. Your body is being rigid and stubborn, despite your partner doing all of the right things in all of the right ways. It's not so very different than...
8. The "Orgasm You Lie To Yourself About" Orgasm
This is when you're so upset you aren't having an orgasm that you fake one to convince yourself it actually happened. The scary part is that sometimes you actually believe your own lie.
9. The "I’m Not In Love With You Anymore" Orgasm
This is in a subcategory of fake orgasms, known as "epiphany orgasms." It's when, in the middle of sex, you realize you're not in love with your partner anymore. You're heartbroken and don't know what else to do but fake it.
This sometimes goes from a fake, melodramatic orgasm to one that quickly takes a dark turn into erratic sobs.
10 The "Prozac" Orgasm
Antidepressants come with some pesky side effects (trust me, I should know.)
One of the worst of those side effects is the inability to have an orgasm, regardless of how mind-blowing the sex is. You're completely numb down south and need to fake it or your loving partner could keep trying for all of eternity.
And you know the efforts will be fruitless.
11. The "Performance Anxiety" Orgasm
This is when you like your sexual partner TOO much and are far too self-conscious to orgasm for real.
12. The "I'm Too Drunk To F*ck" Orgasm
Drinking and sex have a complicated relationship: You toss back a few drinks, and you feel ready to get hot and heavy beneath the sheets, but then drinking makes it really, really hard to finish.
Luckily, booze makes you really, really confident in your ability to convincingly fake an orgasm.
13. The "You're Too Drunk To F*ck Me" Orgasm
There is nothing worse than having sex with your drunken, slurring partner who thinks he or she is being sexy but is really just being sloppy as hell.
The worst part is there is no talking sense to a drunk, so you feel like you have to fake it just to get it the f*ck over with.
14. The "I Just Realized I Might Be Gay" Orgasm
Like the "I'm not in love with you anymore" orgasm, this also falls into the subcategory of "epiphany orgasms."
It's that moment when you're having sex with a dude and suddenly have a crystal clear moment of acute realization: Maybe I've been faking so many orgasms because I'm a big, giant lesbian.
This is precisely when you decide to switch teams, start sleeping with women and never, ever fake another orgasm again.