Stop Asking Your Lesbian Bestie For A Threesome

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Dear straight girls, I have a lesbian tip for you: I know your lesbian bestie might confuse you sometimes with her bizarrely attractive swagger, but hold off on asking her if she'd be interested in that threesome you're planning.

Wait, let me rephrase: Hold off on asking her to join that threesome you and your boyfriend are planning.

Look, babes, she's a lesbian. As they say in French, she's a "lesbienne." She's what the bigots (and the hardcore lesbians who have reclaimed the word) call a "dyke."

What do a lesbian, a lesbienne and dyke all have in common? They're gay women. Homosexuals. Which means (and I know this is hard for some of you to imagine) they don't like the D. At all. They're all about the V; the D usually creeps them out.

So, what on earth makes you think she wants to roll around in bed with your boyfriend, who most definitely has a DICK?

What does a lesbian, a lesbienne, and dyke all have in common? They don't like the D.

She *might* secretly want to roll around with you, if you have one of those weird, boundary-less lesbian/straight girl friendships. But rest assured, if she does covet you and your body, it's a loaded issue for her.

Plus, her fantasies about you do not involve your boyfriend, I promise.

A few weeks ago, a straight girl came up to me at a party and told me her boyfriend kept asking her for a threesome (for his birthday).

"Mike wants to have a threesome! I'm not really sure about it, but I think I could get into it," she squealed, pouring herself an extra large glass of champagne.

I was in no mood to be the token lesbian sex advice guru that particular evening, so I nodded. But then, she looked at me with her innocent, sparkly blue eyes and stuck out her bottom lip in a really cute looking (albeit annoying) pout.

"FINE. I'll indulge her for a few minutes," I thought to myself, slugging back my champagne like a rabid, dehydrated dog lapping up water from a well.

"Does he want a threesome with another dude or a girl?" She gently pushed my arm and giggled. "NO, with a GIRL, silly!"

"Good, because I was going to tell you that I think your boyfriend is probably gay if he wants to have a threesome with another dude," I answered, fully aware of how bigoted, bitchy and generalizing I sounded.

I was in no mood to be the token lesbian sex advice guru that particular evening.

(But seriously, PSA: If your "boyfriend" wants to have a threesome with another dude, don't act all shocked when he leaves you for his gay male personal trainer six months later.)

She rolled her eyes. "I'm going to ask Lindsay. Do you think she'll be into it?" She hungrily stared into my soul.

I averted my eyes and fixated on another bottle of champagne being popped open. "Isn't Lindsay your best friend? Isn't that weird?"

"Yes, but that's exactly why I'm asking her. She's a lesbian, so obviously, the girl part won't disturb her. Plus, I feel safe with her. She's not some rando, ratchet girl from Tinder. She's cool."

"Ugh, this is so wrong for so many reasons," I moaned, officially over the conversation.

"Wait, wheyey?" The straight girl yelped behind me as I drunkenly stumbled away in my too-high heels.

The truth is, I didn't have the energy to break it down for her — partly because I had been drinking cheap champagne for approximately 2.5 hours, and champagne under $35 a bottle gives me a brutal headache.

But I'm happy to lay it down for you, kittens, because you're different.

First of all, the whole dick issue. Lesbians don't like dicks, generally speaking. And don't give me the whole "but you use a strap-on, what's the difference?" garble.

A strap-on is a dildo, and a dildo is NOT A DICK. I'm considering getting "a dildo is not a dick" tattooed across my chest, or at the very least making it the name of my memoir.

Second of all, just because she's gay doesn't mean she's attracted to all women. I'm sorry if I'm being harsh (am I, though?), but that includes gorgeous, little you!

Just because she's gay doesn't mean she's attracted to all women.

I'm hardly attracted to any women, let alone a straight one. The last thing I'm attracted to is a curious, straight girl who will be a giggly and nervous in bed. I want an experienced, seasoned lez who knows what she's doing.

I like my lesbians to be experienced, and maybe teach me a few things in the bedroom. And most lesbians I know are on the same page as me.

Third of all, she's your bestie.

Would you ask your straight male "bestie" to have a threesome? Chances are, YOU WOULD NOT. Because that would be weird, right?

PSA: A strap-on is a dildo, and a dildo is NOT A DICK.

What if, like, he's attracted you? What if he gets the wrong idea? What if your boyfriend likes him too much, leaves you out to dry and you have to watch your boyfriend and your best guy friend go at it?

All of this applies to your lesbian best friend.

The fourth reason is a little bit more nuanced, a little bit more ~complex~, if you will.

Look, if you're asking your lesbian bestie for a threesome, there might be some sexual tension between the two of you tucked away in the depths of your soul.

Maybe you were so willing and eager to have that threesome with your boyfriend because you thought maybe it would give you the opportunity to finally explore your sexuality with her.

And maybe she feels the same way, and she agrees to do it with you. This will get messy.

She will be repulsed by your boyfriend; it will kill her to watch you kiss him. You'll want to kick your boyfriend out of the sack. He'll get offended.

Maybe you'll realize mid-way through it's a bad idea, and you'll walk out, leaving her alone with your naked boyfriend.

Things will never be the same between the two of you again. GAH, sex always fucks things up, doesn't it?

So, don't ask. Just don't.

If you want to have that threesome, find a foxy bi chick on Tinder who you don't know at all, and everything will be just FINE.

Unless your boyfriend gives her more attention than you... but that's another article entirely.