There is a battlecry that has been bellowing inside of my lesbian body for as long as I can ever remember.
Listen to me, straight girls. I'm your lesbian big sister, and this is very important: If you're straight, it's NOT OK to bat your luscious lashes and shamelessly flirt with your lesbian bestie, just because you want to reap the "boyfriend perks" she can't help but give you.
My poor eyeballs have witnessed this dark phenomenon for far too long. My weary bones are sore from a lifetime spent picking up heartbroken, baby dykes when they come to the bitter realization that you will never love them back... at least, not in the way they love you, honey.
I know you know what I'm talking about. You can giggle as sweetly as you want, but let's call a spade a spade, girl. You're flirting with your lesbian bestie because you know she's secretly in love with you and has been for a long time.
When you flirt with your lesbian bestie, it makes your lesbian bestie very happy because she covets you.
And not only do you like to make your lesbian bestie happy since she's a great friend, but it also makes you happy because you get a nice dose of validation that you're indeed lovable and attractive. (I get it. I'm a sucker for validation, too.)
It also fuels your lesbian bestie with ammunition to buy you all of those free drinks, and hey, it costs a pretty penny to get drunk these days. Who doesn't want a free drink?
But by continuously flirting and accepting these free drinks, you're giving her a tiny strand of hope that maybe, one day, you'll gaze into her wise lesbian eyes and say, "I have feelings for you — feelings beyond friendship. I love you."
By continuously flirting and accepting these free drinks, you're giving her a tiny strand of hope.
Every time you drunkenly snuggle with her on one of your famous bestie sleepovers, you're giving her a gem of promise to hold on to. But the gem is fake. I know it, and you know it, too.
And it's not fair to give a nice lesbian a fake gem, is it now? Lesbians are deserving of real gems, just like every other girl in this dark, stormy world.
You see, lesbians (for the most part) are big-hearted entities and tend treat women with far more respect than most men ever will. They are the great gentlewomen of America.
Lesbian are the great gentlewomen of America.
They'll hold the door open for you, pay the bill for you without thinking about it and actively listen to you when you speak. But you shouldn't take advantage of a lesbian's chivalrous ways.
Let me tell you a little horror story — one in a sea of many of dyke/straight girl horror stories.
A few years ago, I was en route to Provincetown, Massachusetts, for a vaGAYtion with a large group of lesbians and gay men. I was newly single, and I was teeming with excitement to venture to good ole' P-Town because not only is it stunningly beautiful, but it's also gay AF.
I held my breath in anticipation on the ferry ride there, feeling the fresh air tickle my face as I patiently awaited for my friend Kara* to meet me.
But I knew the moment Kara stepped up on the ferry platform, she was screwed for this vacation.
Towing behind Kara was a pretty girl with pore-free skin and freshly dyed hair that flapped wildly in the wind.
I could feel Kara's friend energetically taking in the diverse mix of the preppy, Boston gays, the drag queens with their endless lashes, the young lesbians wearing their car keys on their belt buckles and the older lesbians with their silver-strewn hair and sophisticated novels.
It was evident this girl had not been around a lot of queer people before. It was also evident that, despite her obvious excitement about being on a boat full of gays, she was not a gay.
She didn't have queer girl energy, and trust me, no one is more receptive to queer girl energy than I am. I'm famous for my gaydar; it's a shame I can't make a living off of it. If I could, I would be richer than Ivanka Trump.
I quickly remembered this girl was named Lilly*, and she was Kara's kryptonite — the straight girl Kara couldn't shake since they first rubbed elbows in the sandbox.
Kara often got drunk and confessed to me that she couldn't take it a step further with whatever fabulous dyke she was dating at the time because she was still hung up on this Lilly chick.
But when the two walked up to me, I saw something that deeply troubled and triggered me to the core. Not only was Kara carrying Lilly's bags, but Lilly's fluffy dog was tucked beneath Kara's arm, too. Meanwhile, Lilly held nothing but a plastic glass of champagne in her hand.
I knew right then and there, it was going to be a long weekend. I had been in this dynamic, and it only leaves you sad and sexless.
For the rest of the weekend, I stayed silent as Kara paid for all of Lilly's drinks, held her shopping bags and carried Lilly home when she was drunk.
But one night, I drunkenly slurred to Kara, "Lilly is clam jamming you." ("Clam jam" is the lesbian version of "cock block.")
"I know," Kara said defeatedly, looking like a puppy denied a bone.
For a moment, I thought maybe she would stop letting Lilly clam jam her since it was clearly a waste of time, but I was sorely mistaken.
Within minutes, Lilly came skipping back in the bar and plopped right on Kara's lap, deterring any actual queer girl in the bar from even looking in Kara's direction. She even territorially kissed Kara on the cheek just in case any other lesbian took Kara's attention off of Lilly.
I felt a familiar rage begin burning inside of me. I was sick of watching this happen not just to Kara, but to all of my lesbian friends.
I recently saw it happen again with a straight girl friend of mine, Maya.* Maya became really close with a lesbian she met through me, and the next thing I knew, the lesbian was acting like Maya's boyfriend she wasn't required to sleep with.
Maya shamelessly led her on, accepted her free dinners and always crashed at her stunning apartment. But Maya was never going to let it go further than that.
My poor lesbian friend was deeply mesmerized by Maya's beauty and effervescent personality, and since Maya flirted with her so fiercely, she rightfully assumed that maybe Maya liked her back.
So, straight girls, before you start toying with sapphic hearts, remember lesbians are human beings with feelings and emotions (even if we try to act tough sometimes).
Obviously, we are women who fall in love with other women, so when you snuggle with us and bestow your cute-straight-girl charm on us, we are in deep danger of catching feelings for you.
It's not a game to us. It's our lives, ladies. And it's no different than a boy being all over you and giving you every reason to believe he likes you, only to tell you the next day he has a girlfriend.
Now, if you can imagine eating your lesbian bestie out, and you're into that kind of thing, well, flirt away, kitten.
Otherwise, while I understand it's tempting since "men generally suck these days" according to my best friend, remember, it's not nice to toy with someone else's vulnerability.
The world is already dark for gays right now as it is.
And the flirting, lash-batting, sitting on laps and cuddling will absolutely toy with an innocent lesbian's emotions in a way you can't imagine. So cut that shit out.
Seriously, your lesbian big sister is exhausted from having to heal straight girl-induced heartbreaks. I mean, half of the straight girl-induced heartbreaks I have to deal with don't even result in the lesbian getting laid.
And to have a crushed heart without ever even having sex is dark. The world is already dark for gays right now as it is. So don't be the reason for that darkness. Be the light.
*Name has been changed.