You Are What You Drink: Why Champagne Drinkers Make The Best Lovers

by Zara Barrie

I come from a lineage with deep-seated roots in everything champagne. The women of my family have been drinking champagne in all their glory from generation to generation, thus the sweet, ever-sifting bubbles run in unison with the blood of my veins.

It’s simply all I’ve ever known, and I’m grateful to come from a long line of women with (what I believe to be) superior taste.

The first time I ever pressed my young lips onto the cooling comfort of a fine-stemmed champagne glass and felt the intoxicating sensation of luscious bubbles evaporating in my mouth, I just knew I was a lifer.

While being a champagne girl in a blunts-and-beer world can be a painfully isolating existence at times — there’s nothing quite like recognizing one of my own kind.

Whenever I meet the mascara-adorned gaze of a champagne compatriot, I become overwhelmed with an unshakeable sense of belonging.

See, we champagne girls share an unbreakable sisterly bond with one another because we’re privy to a divine little secret: We make for the best lovers.

Here's why:

1. We campaign for champagne.

Champagne-swilling girls are not only always down to party, but are rooted deeply into the crux of the party.

We aren’t the life of the party, we’re something so much more specific and soulful: We are the heartbeat of the party. We inherently understand life is both precious and short, so no triumph is too minuscule for a celebration.

We are the types of girls who will encourage you to celebrate everything — a promotion, an engagement, a fantastic new purchase, the first time you stood up to your vicious boss, your tax return, a new haircut, your thrice removed cousin’s unborn child — whatever!

After all, champagne herself is the very definition of "celebration, “and the girls who love to drink it are teeming with the excitement of a never-ending party.

Falling in love with a champagne girl will cause you to fall more deeply in love with your life.

2. We are as effervescent as our drink of choice.

There’s just something about bubbles that make life seem so much more manageable.

Maybe it’s the comfort in knowing they will always POP — regardless, I don’t care to meet the miserable person who claims to dislike bubbles.

One of the best parts about spending your days and nights with one of us champagne girls is you get to dive into blissful-bubble overdrive.

See the bubbles in champagne are transcendent in our effervescent personalities. If you could choose to spend your days with a stale, meek girl devoid of effervescence or a girl bubbling with an energy so fierce it overflows into every aspect of life — you would choose the latter right? Case closed.

3. We are the rare combination of fancy and fun.

Champagne exudes class and sophistication in a far more dramatic way than any other beverage on the modern day market.

It’s over-the-top glamorous, and the girls who choose to drink it are no exception. In an increasingly dismal world, where decadence is scarce, champagne girls are like a cool breeze on a hot summer’s day.

You will never feel out of your depth when you’re blessed by the sparkling presence of a champagne girl by your side.

We are the increasingly rare combination of fancy and fun. We provide you with the razor-sharp edge of reckless elegance, a quality embraced and appreciated by all (well, almost all) human beings residing in this cruel, cold world.

4. We never make (too much of) a mess.

Just because we girls who choose champagne as our default drink are indeed intimidatingly glamorous and undeniably stylish – doesn’t mean we’ve been drained of the genius gene either.

We are highly intelligent creatures. We seem to be the only ones who understand the brutal consequences of drinking blood red wine, (it makes a f*cking mess) and thus, have chosen to partake in a far less messy hobby.

See, there’s no threat of the wicked stress caused by a permanent stain when you’re dating a champagne girl.

We can get as wild and discordant as our heart so desires (and holy hell does it DESIRE) because there’s simply no crying in spilt champagne. How SWEET is that?

5. We leave you begging for more.

The wonderful thing about champagne is, unlike the epic heaviness of wine or the toe-curling cut of whiskey, champagne only ever so lightly tickles the inside of your mouth, grazing your tongue in a delicate fashion. She’s a relentless tease who leaves you begging for more.

When you drink champagne as often as we do, you can't help but mimic this vixen-like trait.

We are the so very opposite of overkill, we leave you breathless and daydreaming of the moment you can taste our sweet bubbles again.

6. Our charm transcends time.

There are certain things we prefer to drink in the daytime while other ingested liquids feel more in-sync with the darkness.

The beautiful part of champagne is you are able to lust after it’s seemingly innocent bubbles at all times existing on the universal clock (with zero shame attached; we all know whiskey before 3 pm results in an unpleasant, next-day life evaluation).

It’s no surprise we champagne girls endear this very unique quality as well. We transition seamlessly from day to night.

If we were to be an outfit in a fashion magazine, we would be the always flattering, fit and flair dress that the style masters at vogue lovingly instruct the masses to rock from “DAY TO NIGHT” or “FROM THE OFFICE TO THE CLUB.”

I know you know what I’m talking about.

7. We are pure.

Since early childhood, my mother counseled me to always drink champagne because champagne is the most “pure” of alcoholic beverages.

I would be stupid to question her because she’s an astronomically wise woman, and every time I’ve challenged her thus far, the results have been epically disastrous.

Seeing as Mother Dearest is most definitely RIGHT, this leads me to a bitingly obvious conclusion: Girls who drink champagne are simply purer than their non-champagne drinking counterparts. We are pure in intention, action and agenda (but NOT in the fun ways like sex and humor).

Yogis are always droning on that "we are what we eat"— and I say we are what WE DRINK.

8. We have a certain “je ne sais quoi.”

We all know there is something so positively CHIC about French girls, I dare you to deny this absolute life truth.

French girls simply embody effortless sophistication, with their sexy and cool detachment to the chaos of the outer world and difficult-to-dissect but so seemingly natural sense of style.

Seeing that champagne hails from the gorgeous country of FRANCE, I believe all of us champagne girls have the “je ne sais quoi” of a French girl.

Like it or not, we champagne girls just have something about us straight men/ lesbians desire and gay men /straight women covet.

It's that indelible star-quality, the brightly burning charisma that makes us so desirable.

Anyone who has fallen in love with a champagne girl will assure you: Once you join the champagne campaign, there's no turning back.