I've suffered from anxiety since I was a mixed up 16-year-old sporting ripped fishnets, chipped, black, satin Chanel nail polish and ferocious acne that angrily sprawled itself across my greasy, teen girl forehead.
My anxiety started with a night of drinking and the recreational use of Adderall at a rich teen boy's house party at his parents' seaside estate.
When I came home at 2 am, my eyes the size of saucers and my pupils so dilated, I looked like Sailor Moon, my dad took a long, hard look at me.
"You're on something," he declared, the ugly, bright lights of the kitchen exposing the ugly fucking reality that his sweet daughter had stumbled home high as a kite.
"I'm NOT on anything!" I angrily shouted while bounding up the staircase, feeling guilt and the chemical depression of coming down from speed all at once.
And that's when the anxiety came.
I felt the walls close in around me. I was sure the white walls were going to envelope me, swallow me, crush my tiny bones until I was nothing. I was convinced I was going to die.
Taking Adderall had triggered something inside of me, and I was never the same again. Speed or no speed, I now existed in this elevated state where I was either flooded with anxiety, or flooded with the fear of having anxiety.
And trust me, babe, this kind of shit most definitely translates into your love life.
We anxious creatures, we're tapped into a different, more frenetic energy than everyone else. We live on a different, more elevated frequency. We live suspended in the air, so it's hard to forge connections with people on earth.
But the beauty about anxiety is this: We have so much energy, and if we channel that energy productively, we can overcome anything.
So, my fellow anxious girls, let's channel our energy into promises to ourselves about our love and sex lives. Here are five New Year's resolutions for the anxious girl:
You will date without getting ahead of yourself.
Anxious people tend to look to the future... all the time.
The Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu, says, “If you're depressed, you're living in the past. If you're anxious, you're living in the future. If you're at peace, you're living in the present.”
Anxiety runs fast, so fast, in fact, that we're not living our lives moment-to-moment — we're living in fear of WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT.
If you're depressed, you're living in the past. If you're anxious, you're living in the future.
So when we're dating, we can't even enjoy a nice, simple, candlelit dinner date because our minds are running one million miles per minute.
That will be our running dialogue inside of our ever-spinning heads the entire time we're with a brand new date, and we won't be able to get to know the poor person at all.
Because we won't be focused on the way they're making us feel moment-to-moment. We'll just be wondering if they will eventually want to leave New York, and we know we're never leaving New York, so what the FUCK IS THE POINT?
Girl, breathe. Quit freaking out about the future! You don't even know this person at all; you haven't even been on three dates. Why are freaking out, crazy girl? (I call you crazy because I'm crazy too, and I'm saying this will all the love in the stratosphere.)
Just relax, babe. Who cares if you never even go on another date with this person? Anything can fall apart at any time, so just enjoy this human being without projecting your fears of the future onto them.
Because maybe there is no future. We could all die at any time, so screw it, let's enjoy the moment!
Anything can fall apart, so just enjoy this person without projecting your fears of the future onto them.
You will have sex without freaking out about your body.
Oh, girl, don't even get me started on the whole body insecurity mind-fuck. I spent two-thirds of my sex life completely out of my body, watching myself have sex from across the room.
I was never present or even able to enjoy sex because the entire time we were going at it, I was hating my body. I was cringing over my imperfections: my pale skin, my big thighs, my bizarre nipples.
But, of course, because I'm anxious and have loads of energy — and because anxiety gives you a natural caffeine buzz — I just channeled that energy into putting on a big, award-winning show. I faked it.
You can't feel authentically sexy when you hate your body. And when you hate your body, you can't enjoy sex.
You can't feel authentically sexy when you hate your body. When you hate your body, you can't enjoy sex.
But I got over it, and my sex life is much better.
Let me tell you how I did it, ladies. It might not work for you, but on the off chance that it will, I'm going to share my secrets: At no point is someone fucking you and looking at your body critically.
Sex isn't intellectual like that. Sex is raw. Sex is animal. Sex is visceral. Do you think lions are judging the size of each other's paws while they're getting down and dirty? No. And when you're fucking, you might as well be a lion, you're so tapped into your inner animal.
When you're having sex, and you start to feel the body anxiety hook back into the pleasure of it all, feel your partners hands on your precious body. Get out of your head, and throw yourself into the present, baby.
At no point is someone fucking you and looking at your body critically.
You will have sex without freaking out that you're a slut.
Girl, this is the year of your sexual revolution. Seriously, I can feel the beams of 2017 sexual energy penetrating through the static screen of my laptop.
And since you're having so much sex, you're not going to shame-spiral every time you feel good. That is what us anxious girls do — we punish ourselves when we, God forbid, feel an ounce of joy.
But seriously, babes, why would we ever shame-spiral for being sexual creatures? It's when we lose our sexuality that we should be worried. But when it's in full swing, we should celebrate.
There is nothing in the world wrong with having a fuck buddy. And there is absolutely nothing in the world wrong with tossing back too many tequilas one night, sleeping with someone you thought was hot, only to wake up in the morning to find out they're hideous or voted for Trump.
It's not tragic, and you don't need to spiral. It's funny. And it's excellent content for your memoir.
You will not get wasted to ease the anxiety of love and sex.
About 90 percent of my life's regrets and mishaps have happened because I got too loaded. I got loaded during first dates. I got loaded before I had sex. I got loaded to deal with the anxiety of ending up alone.
Look, I get it, kittens.
I believe people with anxiety are actually really gifted. It makes you an empath. The world is a dark, scary place, and part of anxiety is feeling emotions really deeply and being overwhelmed by them all. So if you're feeling the collective pain of the world so acutely, of course you're going to be freaking out.
A lot of shit is dark, bad, wrong and tragic. You've been given this awesome power to feel it all. And it's natural that you're going to want to numb all of these epic feelings with drugs and booze sometimes.
But I promise you, I promise you, I promise you, life gets so much better when you let yourself feel these things.
You'll find out that the feelings aren't so scary, and once you have that confidence, you'll be able to plunge into the dating world headfirst without the FEAR of it crumbling.
You'll find out that the feelings aren't so scary if you let yourself feel them.
Plus, when you're wasted, you're not forging real connections with people.
You're creating false, booze-fueled connections, and you'll know it in your soul. Your soul will ache, and you'll feel even more anxious. So you and I, together, as a collective, powerful force of nature, are going to face our fears about love and sex SOBER, baby.
And the great, crystal-clear clarity of sobriety will help us look at love with a fresh set of eyes.
You will cultivate a healthy relationship with yourself, first and foremost.
Look, at the end of the day, no one is forever. Even if you're married to someone for 60 years, at some point, they will die or you will die. I know it sounds super cold of me, but it's the truth.
And you know me, I'm always going to serve you the truth on crystal fucking platter because I love you.
The bottom line is, you don't have to worry about someone leaving you because they will. It's actually NOT depressing — it's really freeing.
Because you know who will never leave you? YOU, baby. You will never leave yourself. You're in this relationship for life, kittens.
So, do something kind for yourself every single day. Don't neglect yourself; don't crawl away from yourself because you're trying to get close to someone else. This is the most important relationship of your life, so nurture it. Invest in it. Pour yourself into yourself.
And when you love yourself, the anxiety about love and losing love will taper away. Because you will know you don't need anyone, anyway.
You have you forever and ever, and that's a cozy freaking thought.