Maybe the fascination with older women started with Mrs. Robinson in 1967's The Graduate, (or before), but the term “MILF" (mom I’d like to f*ck) wasn't popularized until Stifler's mom in American Pie. From then, it seems that increasing numbers of younger men were chasing older women.
An older woman offers the appeal of experience. Some women don't discover their sexual capabilities until they reach their thirties or beyond. Squirting, multiple orgasms, anal play and other not-so-vanilla sexual experiences are generally less foreign to an older woman. Younger women may not be interested in trying these things yet — though sometimes, people’s tastes change over time.
Women in their thirties, forties, fifties (and beyond) are sexy: These women know what they want, they don't play games, and they expect you to treat them well. They appreciate the energy and fun that a younger partner can offer. And, of course, just like any other couple, personality and values matter enormously, too. Some people just click.
However, if you’re eager to learn how to get an older woman to sleep with you, stop right there — older women as a group should not be hyper-sexualized, and these stereotypes are as misogynistic as they are inaccurate. Just like any group of people, older women are not a monolith. There is no quick life hack on how to ask an older woman to sleep with you, because everyone has different tastes and interests, regardless of gender and age. Got that? If so, then you’re ready to dive in and learn how to form a physical or emotional connection with an older woman.
Sex is a journey, not a destination. It's time to realize that the real goal of sex is to satisfy the other person. Some younger people haven't yet figured that one out; they see sex as a way to pleasure themselves — a selfish act. An older woman likely knows intimacy is a two-way street. She’s also more likely to know how she likes to have an orgasm. If you learn to focus on satisfying your partner first, you'll find that sex will become a more fulfilling experience for both partners.
Once you jump into bed with an older woman, forget about trying to manipulate her with your disingenuous promises. Be upfront about who you are and what you want, including if you are looking for a relationship or just a hookup. She knows all the games people play — she just wants honesty.
"Older [partners] are typically past the point of game-playing because they've hopefully already been in a serious relationship and have learned how to be vulnerable," author and life coach Kali Rogers previously told Bustle. If you’re looking for the signs that an older woman wants to sleep with you, stop looking and just ask her. Demonstrating a level of vulnerability when putting yourself out there will show her that you’re emotionally mature and great at honest communication.
Be Kind, Communicative, And Open-Minded
Kindness rules with older women. While some people seem to think nice guys finish last, you will not be successful with an older woman by acting like a jerk. These women typically have no patience for rudeness or drama, so be on your best behavior.
Especially when it comes to communication, being kind and empathetic is key. "It’s important to understand the other person’s history and where they are coming from,” psychologist and dating coach Paulette Sherman told The Zoe Report, “and not to assume that your way is the only right way, and to find places to compromise.”
In relationships with an age gap, coming together on communication is so important. She won’t be impressed by a “bad boy” who doesn’t want to share his feelings — but rather, she will be touched by a man who is willing to kindly acknowledge their differences and meet her in the middle.
Carry Yourself With Confidence
This is the one thing you can fake if you must. Confidence is especially attractive to an older woman. She wants someone who is sure of himself. Regardless of whether or not you feel completely secure, act the part. Exude confidence and walk into a room with your head held high.
Why is confidence so important when you’re dating an older woman? As Sherman explained, "Common issues that occur with age differences are that partners may have different interests, maturity levels, a different generation of friends and lifestyles, and there could be a potential power dynamic if one person is more successful or worldly."
These differences in experience, maturity, and even power are typical obstacles for a relationship with an age gap, but by having confidence, you can begin to bridge this gap and allow an older woman to see you as a secure, self-assured adult.
Be Discreet About Your Sex Life
Older women expect the details of their sexcapades to remain private. They don't feel the need to brag to their friends, so if you're still acting like a frat boy, high-fiving your bros after each hookup, she'll pick up on your immature attitude toward sex. She'll move on to the next person who’s a little more discreet.
It should come as no surprise that older women come with a lot of wisdom. Many have spent some time alone, and they may prefer solidarity as an alternative to dealing with someone who doesn't treat them with the utmost respect. By this point in their lives, they know both what they want and what they don't.
If you want to be with an older woman, you need to figure out the same thing for yourself. "What you need to do is to ask yourself what it is that you want out of a relationship and let that be your guide," Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and host of The Kurre and Klapow Show told Bustle. "There are many older men and women who are chronologically older and yet do not have the social, emotional, intellectual, or intimate maturity you are looking for. So signs that you need 'maturity' or 'experience' are probably a better way to figure out if you need someone different."
Whether you’re seeking someone with more life experience, an older soul, or even just some kinky sex, you may find this with an older woman, or you may find another partner to be the right fit. But if you want to give being with an older woman a try, take these tips to heart and you just might make it happen.
Kali Rogers, life coach and author of “Conquering Your Quarter-Life Crisis: How to Get Your Shit Together In Your 20s”
Paulette Sherman, psychologist and dating coach