I once had a guy tell me on a first date that he just needs “a girl who looks good in a dress” whom he can take to the racetrack. In that moment of disgust, I was incredulous, but unfortunately, not all that surprised. He was a standard example of trying to check off boxes and, well, incredibly shallow.
We're all well aware of the classic dating blunders that cause us to sprint for the hills. The dating world is all a delicate balance, and, although we hate to admit it, a crazy, fantastically ridiculous game.
While we try not to make snap judgments, sometimes there's just something that cuts it right off for you after the first date (or, let's be real, the first five minutes).
There's a reason I dislike dating. Actually, make that a lot of reasons. The main one? It usually comes down to the fact that people are just plain weird.
Of course, we're all guilty of possessing unique tendencies or quirky characteristics. I'll even admit to having my fair share of them. I'm a totally random disaster with my own set of baggage myself. So, I'm not claiming “normalcy” by any means.
But these guys? They were real first dates that actually happened. The majority of us women have unfortunately experienced them on more than one occasion, and have encountered them in some form or another.
Some a rarer species than others, but either way, these 10 guys probably, most likely, definitely won't get a second date:
1. The Self-Proclaimed “Non-Alcoholic"
Meeting for drinks is usually a go-to first date. It can be a great way to loosen up and break the ice without committing to breaking bread together. That is, until you go on a date with the guy who mentions how he doesn't have a drinking problem at least once every half hour... and then, he orders his 15th gin and tonic.
But, he's not an alcoholic, so it's fine. I'm all about meeting up for a drink or three, but on a first date — hell, any number date — there are lines that shouldn't be crossed. The messy drunk definitely won't lead to a sloppy second date.
2. The Perpetual Hanging-On-Suspense Guy
This guy ends every text with “…”. This was probably a semi-OK date. It's not until after that you realize he wants you hanging on his every word. Literally.
You'll let it go for a little while because it's seemingly not a big deal. The dramatic “…” is all well and fine when used appropriately, but much like the boy who cried wolf, let's save it for when it's truly necessary.
Not, “and then I had salad for dinner…” AND THEN A T-REX CAME AND THREW IT ACROSS THE ROOM, CREATING A TORNADO OF LETTUCE, RIGHT??!! IS THAT WHAT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY NEXT?
Because that's what I think when I see “…” after a sentence like that. Don't cry wolf (or T-Rex), man, just don't…
3. The Milkman
This guy actually makes the conscious decision to share on a first date that he only drinks milk. With every meal. Old habits die hard from your toddler years, apparently.
Clearly, I should've brought cookies because then I would've been crowned some sort of hero. After that admission, I could only ever picture you with a milk mustache. And trust me, it's not a good look.
You want to drink milk three times a day? Be my guest, but see ya never.
4. The Non-Reader/Non-Traveler
What else does he not do? This guy is a real problem for me personally because a) I'm a writer and b) I write mostly travel pieces.
But in general, if you admittedly have a 100-mile radius you stay in by choice and you never read, I can almost see the endless fantasies of the two of us perpetually lounging on the couch with a bag of chips (probably in his parent's basement) playing out in his head as he gazes lovingly across the table.
Nope. No, thanks. I'll send you postcards from across the world, instead (though you'll probably never read them).
5. The Emoji Rule Breaker
Emojis are cute. I'll admit to even using the unicorn on more than one occasion. But as a man, if you use more than three in one text, you either think that women like that and are wildly off base, or you just love emojis so much you can't help yourself.
Either way, just no.
6. The Over-Committer
He's ready to jump in full-throttle, and he takes a mile if you give him an inch. By the entrees, you're going on a week-long vacation and by dessert, you've already signed his nephew's birthday card and the party is tomorrow. Kidding/not kidding.
Girls trip planned three months from now? His response is, “Are you still going to go if we're dating?” Um, if we're dating, I'm going to stay for longer. As in, forever.
7. The Push-The-Limits Guy
Despite signs being dropped left and right that you want to take things slow, you definitely don't kiss on the first date and that OH, YEAH, you want to take things slow... this guy pushes the limits.
He nods his head like he's heard and even agrees with you. Yet, he lingers a touch too long on the goodbye hug, poising to make his move. Fun fact: a goodnight hug is not an automatic invitation for a goodnight kiss.
This causes a moment of sheer panic, and perhaps yelling in his face something along the lines of “I can't do it!” in a weird accent you've never used before. Or maybe that's just me.
But, you were warned, buddy. Point blank: If you don't want to kiss someone, don't kiss them.
8. The Fingerstache Tattoo Guy
No explanation needed. This guy has this tattoo because he either lost a horrible bet, or because he wants to show it off. Or both.
He's infinitely proud of it and looks for opportunities to flash it (usually in a creepy way). Unfortunately, we're not 12, we're not impressed and it's not a wash-off tattoo.
The only reason your finger should be under your nose on a date is to hold in a sneeze. Byyyeeee.
9. The Mama's Boy
This is the guy who answers the phone call from his mom mid-date and tells her that yes, he'll be home for dinner that night, even though he is currently at dinner with you.
And yes, he's wearing the blue shirt she picked out for him this morning. Classic. Oh, and would she mind folding his laundry, too?
10. The “Crazy Ex” Guy
This is the guy who tells you how crazy his ex was. Saying that is the red flag that causes me to immediately wave the white flag. Seriously though, if you're claiming a crazy ex on the first date (or even on the second or third), chances are you're 97 percent full of shit. And there's no way in hell I'm going to be your next victim.
We all have our own personal deal breakers, and some just have more of an impact than others. Just because I don't want to sit in your mom's basement drinking milk listening to stories about your crazy ex, doesn't mean someone else might not want to. (Although, probably not.) At the very least, we have some real zingers of dating tales to tell.
It goes both ways. I'm sure all of us women have made it onto the rejection list on the other side at some point. Maybe you were put off from a second date on account of a high-pitched laugh, or a self-admitted Beanie Babie collection.
Either way, what some people are willing to look past, others find positively repulsive. We're all bizarre in our own way, and we're stuck playing this kooky game of dating until we find our weird AF matching piece.
So, we keep dating. We keep encountering the quirky, and we keep hoping. Because somewhere out there, is potentially a first date with a matching fingerstache tattoo, or a bag of cookies for your milk or plays into your suspenseful texts.
And that person will give you a second date.