If You Google 'How To Kiss,' You Will Never Want To Kiss Anyone Ever Again

New Line Cinema

Look me in the eyes and tell me you've never Googled "how to kiss."

Because you'd be lying. You've done it. I've done it. Everyone's done it.

Because in this wonderful age of internet parenting, it's standard practice to search the world wide web for these kind of answers when you're a blossoming teenager.

As a boy, it's also completely normal to cut a hole in your teddy bear and make love to it at night, but that's another story.

The internet's changed a lot since we were kids, so there's gotta be a load more sources today which reveal how to give the perfect kiss.

Join me on this journey.

YouTube's an obvious place to start -- SO VISUAL.

Did you see how awkward that guy looks? I just want to watch a video of him on a loop and cringe.

It's a good start, but we can do better.

Have you ever used Quora? Fantastic website. It basically lets you ask any question and a load of experts answer for you.

So, when I typed in "how do I kiss?", this answer came up from Malcon LeRoy, who describes himself poetically as a "student of life":

Certain things like kissing, cooking and riding a bike can only be successfully done through experience. No one nails it their first time, you just have to talk to your partner and go for it. Some things you shouldn't do as to not be labeled a bad kisser? Do not under any circumstances put your tongue in her mouth. Please oh please, make sure your lips are not dry or chapped. Do not just float there. Unless she says otherwise, hold her face, hold her back, hold her waist.

I feel like these are pretty good pointers.

Next on the list is WikiHow. And jeez, these guys have really sucked the romance out of kissing. There's basically an entire book on it, split into chapters and everything.

I'm not going to go through it line by line. But it starts with "before you pucker up" and ends with "let the kiss take control."

You'll be put off kissing for life after you read that thorough instruction manual on something that is so natural.

They also use creepy pictures that make kissing look like a nonconsensual mess:


I'm out.