You Don't Love This Person, You Love The Idea Of This Person

by Paul Hudson

Love is incredibly complex.

Not because it is formed of some otherworldly matter, but because it’s formed in our minds -- and our minds are incredibly complex.

The thoughts we think, the way we perceive the world, the way things and other people can make us feel, the way we can make ourselves feel, it’s all intertwined in the reality that exists in our heads.

Our wants and needs will often blend in with our realities, changing the way we perceive something or someone to be.

Emotions that arise from one experience can influence the way we perceive other experiences, other interactions, other individuals.

We sometimes take the way we are currently feeling and project those emotions onto others or allow those feelings to affect decisions we make -- decisions that don’t pertain, whatsoever, to the origins of those feelings.

A person’s reality is constantly in a state of flux.

When it comes to love in particular, it isn’t enough, nor is it necessary, to find someone worth loving -- to find the right individual.

Relationships between the right two individuals have failed plenty of times, just as the relationships between the wrong individuals have succeeded -- for at least a good period of time before the inevitable (separation or misery).

It is necessary for two people to be right for each other in order for a relationship to work, however, they don’t need to be right for each other in order to fall in love with each other.

Sometimes, it’s not the person you’re in love with, but only the idea of him or her.

Sometimes we just want someone in our lives, even if it isn’t the right fit.

We want to be loved, cared for. We want to be attended to, complimented, treated with kindness. We don’t always want to be alone.

Every once in a while, we want someone there to share experiences with, to share thoughts with, to share ideas, jokes, laughter with.

Sometimes we want to be more than just ourselves… we want to be a pair of souls.

Loneliness can be brutal. As complex as the mind can be, it’s often fragile, needing of attention, needing of companionship.

In fact, because the mind is so complex, we somehow manage to lose ourselves within it.

Especially when it comes to being alone all the time, regardless of whether or not you’re wanting to be alone.

Everyone wants his or her independence, wants to be single and living life on his or her own, until loneliness comes sneaking in.

It’s easier when you have plenty of friends and distractions but much more difficult when you actually feel like you’re alone.

But even with distractions, they only last so long. It can get so bad that often we’ll either settle for any sort of companionship -- just to ward off the unpleasant emotions -- or we’ll imagine someone to be a much better partner than he or she actually is.

Sometimes we hold on to the person he or she once was, not the person he or she now is.

People change. I know some refuse to believe this, but they do. It’s the way beings were created -- all beings, not just humans.

Sure, we may not be capable of changing every bit of ourselves, but we can change significant parts of us, of our mentality, of the way we see the world and approach problems, even the way we treat people.

Sadly, people don’t always change for the better. Sometimes people change to worse versions of themselves.

Some would argue they are to blame. Others would argue the circumstances that led them to make the choices they did are what ought to be blamed, but pinpointing the blame, either way, is pointless.

We can argue nature vs. nurture all we want, but at the end of the day, a bad egg is a bad egg, even if he or she once was a great individual; sometimes eggs go rotten.

The problem is, when it comes to love, we aren’t always willing to see people for the people they’ve become.

When it comes to love, we like to remember how great things once were, hoping they can be just as great once again.

We only see what we want to see, not what we need to see.

Relationships usually start off well -- most of you will have heard this part of the relationship referred to as the “honeymoon phase.”

Sadly, all vacations must come to an end -- honeymoons included.

Some phases last for weeks, others last months and few even a couple of years.

When they’re over, the majority of relationships fall apart, however, those built on reality and not on fluff will remain intact.

Why the discrepancy in honeymoon phase length? It takes different people different amounts of time to either get to know someone or to open themselves up and allow someone to get to know them.

Once those in a couple see each others’ true colors, things often go south.

People are funny because when it comes to their realities, you’d think those things that aren’t fact would leave a sort of void. But on the contrary, we manage to fill those spaces with our imaginations.

We draw conclusions and create beliefs that aren’t based on fact or experience but on wishful thinking and blind hope.

This can often hold true for years and years, people not realizing, not truly understanding or knowing the people closest to them -- usually not because the facts weren’t there in front of their eyes, but because they preferred not facing the more likely reality.

In the end, you never know what another person is thinking -- it’s all probability. We just choose to believe in the less likely version of reality because it’s more appealing.

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