There's something about being single around the holidays that forces you to think about relationships.
First off, it's cold, and though your heat may be at full blast, you're itching for a cuddle buddy. Unfortunately, you only have that boyfriend pillow your friend got you as a gag gift. It's soft, but it's not as vocal as you'd like.
Then, Christmas and Hanukkah roll around, and suddenly, the only one you're buying a gift for is your cat. Your Google search history becomes flooded with "How much Friskies is too much Friskies?"
And finally, to culminate just how tortuous 2016 was, you celebrate at a New Year's Eve party, where all of your friends are linked up with someone else arm-in-arm, lips-to-lips, and you're just chilling.
What should you do? Should you go home, get rockin' with Dick Clark and fall asleep just short of midnight with a carton of ice cream in your lap?
Should you wallow in self-pity and cry to everyone you encounter about how lonely it is to eat Lean Cuisines by yourself week after week?
The answer to that is: A pint of Ben & Jerry's sounds delicious right about now, but NO.
You do not pout, you do not mope. Instead, you fucking embrace the singlehood to the best of your ability. It may not seem like it, but being your own person — without being superglued to another human — is actually the greatest blessing you could ask for.
Instead of feeling forced to be in hot pursuit of a stranger's mouth all night, take New Year's Eve for what it's really all about: just another night of pure debauchery.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
Below, you'll find a variety of positive, sometimes alcohol-induced ways to take in New Year's Eve for all it's really worth as the only single person at your party.
1. You can do you and not have to cater to anyone else.
2. You can hover over the hors d'oeuvres and basically bathe in ranch, if your heart desires.
3. You can flirt your way through the entirety of the party with minimal judgment.
4. You won't have to balance spending time between your friends' and bae's obnoxious pals.
5. You can kiss just about anyone you want.
6. You can also fuck just about anyone you want.
7. You can get decked out in something so over-the-top, it'll look like you were produced in a glitter factory.
8. You can drink so much that if you hear anyone utter "new year, new me," you'll feel obligated to slap them.
9. You can crawl into bed that night with a full pizza and so many garlic knots, you may have just found a boyfriend after all.
10. You can have fun and be surrounded by everyone in the world who means something to you instead of worrying about the small stuff.
Now, go out and ring in 2017 with an open mind and an open stomach! Being the only single one ain't so bad.
I did mention there will be pizza, after all.