I am fully capable of understanding how much satisfaction you can get from being in a relationship.
Sure, my track record for holding down anything serious is less than subpar, but I never develop any resentment toward friends when they happen to lock down true love.
In fact, I'm overjoyed when someone I'm close with, having dug through the dating trenches together, manages to find someone who isn't a full-on garbage human.
It's a battleground out there, and I'm happy one of us made it out with only a few scars.
On the other end of that dating spectrum, I don't need the constant reminder that a) you are no longer an "I," but a "we" or that b) I'm still knee-deep in overeager Tinder matches.
I don't need the constant reminder that you are no longer an 'I,' but a 'we,' or that I'm still on Tinder.
Celebrate your newfound SO as much as you want, but please, do it in private. There have been way too many couple-y things I've seen out and about that have made me want to launch my body in front of a yellow cab.
Take your hands out of each other's back pockets and get a room. In fact, don't come out until I tell you to.
Below, you'll find just a few of the things I believe couples do that are eye-gougingly annoying. And I'm going to bet you agree.
1. Broadcasting every ounce of your relationship on social media, whether through Facebook statuses, Instagram posts or Snapchat selfies.
You're together. I know already.
2. Using a nickname around other people.
Unless I have permission to call you "baby boo" as well, I don't need to hear it.
3. Generally being attached by the butthole.
I get it, couples want to spend time together, but Alzheimer's will not kick in early if you do things apart once in a blue moon.
4. Dear God, do not spoon feed each other, or I will make you choke on it.
5. Slow-mo strolling down the street.
If I see you doing that, be warned that I'm the person who will push you down.
6. Talking about how good your boyfriend is in bed.
Unless you are going to loan me your boyfriend for my own personal pleasure, I don't want to know.
7. Assuming that I would enjoy being a third wheel.
If I'm interested in spending quality time with you, please leave bae at home and remember to leave them enough water and dry food.
8. Starting a new juice cleanse together.
Go ahead. Do it. While you're detoxing, I'll be finding any and every excuse to eat a box of Entenmann's donuts in your presence.
9. Not keeping your lips apart on a crowded train, a sold-out concert or any other place I'm present.
Most PDA immediately triggers my gag reflex, but it's so much more painful to see it while in an enclosed space.
10. Praising the entire concept of relationships and how I should find my soulmate as soon as possible.
You just started dating a few weeks ago, so please, refrain from this. Your advice is not only unwarranted, it's irritating AF.
Rant over. And to all my friends who are currently young and in love, I hope you'll still invite me to your wedding.