As a personal Matchmaker in Beverly Hills, I hear all the time that women want a powerful, confident man, and men want a woman who's passionate about something in her life, other than them.
But typically, both men and women want a partner with some mystery to them.
Although women complain about the typical men lacking in good communication skills, they still get excited when he finally sends them a text.
Similarly, men may get frustrated if they have to wait to plan a date with a girl, but this waiting period draws him in even more.
When I was a little girl, my grandmother shared with me the secret to success in her marriage: She kept an air of mystery with him.
But we all know the importance of a communicative relationship with your spouse, so how can you still have mystery, while keeping your communication strong and if you know him so intimately already?
Well, I learned this answer after years of coaching women on how to BE hard to get and coaching men on how to get out of the friend zone. You can, in fact, have a deep relationship with your significant other AND keep the mystery alive.
Here are seven ways to walk this fine line:
1. Make time for your lady gang.
You'll lose your mystery pretty quickly by cancelling your plans with friends for a guy.
Of course, you need to make time in your life for a relationship if you want to have one, but continue to nurture your friendships. Everyone hates flakes.
I recommend having one night a week reserved solely for girl time, even if it's just an lengthy phone call. You'll reap double the mystery points: strong female friendships where you can discuss dating dramas and giving your man some necessary alone time.
2. Zip thy lips.
Certain details are for you and you alone or for your closest friends only.
For instance, a story about an ex-flame might help a female friend as she trudges through a breakup with the wrong guy, but spare your man those details.
At Matchmakers In The City, one of our dating guidelines advises our clients to refuse to talk about former relationships on a date and to save deep personal matters for later.
A man deeply appreciates a woman who makes him feel like the only man in the world.
3. Calibrate your conversations.
I also recommend that you tailor your conversations and what you do for an SO depending on where you are in a relationship: just dating, exclusivity, engaged or married.
The more you get to know someone, the more you can eventually reveal to him and the more you can do for each other. A helpful exercise I advise involves writing two lists: one with five safe conversation topics to share with men you date and another list of five personal topics saved for you and your future husband.
As natural givers, women tend to overshare on dates, so start guarding your precious heart through carefully choosing the topics you discuss. If the story begins with “I've never told anyone this before, but…” on a first date, you know you've gone too far!
4. Make “me time” a priority.
Avoid spending all of your time with him because it makes the time that you do share together even more special.
Try something new in the meantime: See a ballet, take a dance class, go to an event, or volunteer, and you two will have more to talk about. You'll also enrich aspects of yourself and find joy in an activity outside your relationship.
Read books that challenge you to grow and deepen your spirituality. Part of being a good lover and future spouse involves your own personal growth. This will, in turn, make your conversations more interesting.
The most prominent spiritual leaders have lauded the importance of reading for a relationship. So select a book that focuses on improving your relationship with your boyfriend. You can both read it on your own, and then, discuss it together.
6. Look good for each other.
Take the time necessary to primp for your man, and he should do the same for you, too.
Marriage can increase your attraction to each other, unless you let yourself go. Primp without him looking, and let your beauty routines remain mysterious.
7. Text with tact.
Women usually like to communicate more than men, but let him reach out to you first. You want to ensure you give each other some space, especially when things are just starting to heat up.
And even if you're craving constant communication, let your contact build with the relationship. For men, if you come on too strong, usually, the relationship will have a short shelf life. You need to let her wonder what you're up to as well!
Though we typically associate mystery with being a bad boy or playing games, you can still have an air of mystery, even if you're the nicest person on the planet.
The good kind of mystery involves reliability and kindness, so those who are too hard to get will end up alone.
In fact, only those who cultivate the balance of mystery and reliability will be able to sustain a romantic relationship.