Hey everyone, I'm back. It's me, Zara, your trusted lesbian Internet wingwoman.
We met before after I offered you my unsolicited dating and sex advice, in an article entitled "Lez Get You Laid: Sex And Dating Tips For Men From A Lesbian." If you read that gorgeous, wise little article, then you know me, and you know I'm totally on your side.
If you don't know me, let me give you a brief introduction: My name is Zara Barrie, and I'm a full-blast, lady-loving lesbian. I love girls as much as you do.
It's recently come to my attention that some of you may be a little intimidated about going down on a woman...or just have no idea what you're doing. Hey, I get it. The first time I ever went down on a girl (sophomore year of high school, I think?) I was scared out of my mind. I mean, the vagina is like this mystical holy grail that unlocks the secrets to the ever-expansive universe.
But you know what I've learned after a decade of giving — and receiving — oral sex to and from women? It's actually really not that hard to know how to give a girl head and get her off. It's not as easy as getting men off, but as long as you follow some basic guidelines, it's fun and super addictive.
Besides, who understands a woman better than a lesbian? We lesbians might as well have honorary doctorates in the art of le girl.
With that, I proudly present to you Zara's simple five-step guide to going down on women. You're welcome.
1. Make The Girl Feel Hot
Hear me when I say this: Step one is the key to not only being better at oral sex, but the key to a less stressful life.
Despite what centuries of history tried to convince society, vaginas are glorious places. A vagina is the expensive, five-star hotel in a world of seedy motels. Vaginas are the reasons buildings are built and the world rotates. Also, it makes us hot to make a girl feel hot, right? And nothing can make her scream with passion like oral.
However, I am a girl, and due to our f*cked-up society, I get really self-conscious, too. I used to be one of those girls who was like "No, it's OK. I’d prefer to go down on you!" — which was a bold-faced lie. I just thought she didn't like going down on me.
And girls cannot, I repeat, cannot, come when they're feeling self-conscious. This is when fake orgasms come into play. And don't think you're the exception to the rule. No one is. Women fake orgasms all the time.
Girls appreciate being told they're hot, sexy and turning you on. I know, I know. We should already know. But here is the stone cold truth: It's not enough for you to be down there. We have to know you want to be down there, you like it down there and that we're gorgeous creatures with magical vaginas.
"There isn't just pressure on us to be sexy, but women and men are pressured to be sexual," board-certified psychiatrist Dr. Susan Edelman told Bustle. "When you're worried about performance, you're much less likely to be able to simply relax and enjoy yourself. The more aware we become of these toxic societal pressures, the more we can feel empowered to free ourselves from their spells."
Before you dare to go down, make sure you make us feel super sexy. Validate us. It's easy. Before it's gotten even close to oral time, when it's still in the make-out phase of the hookup, take breaks and say things like, "You're so f*cking hot," "You're so gorgeous," or "I love your sexy body."
When I'm told verbally that someone desperately wants to f*ck me, I can relax. And women need to feel relaxed in order to enjoy oral sex.
2. Foreplay, Foreplay, Foreplay
Sometimes I will be so sexually aroused by a woman that I just want to dive in and eat her out. I can be so turned on that I just want to skip the foreplay and get right into it.
But then, I take a deep breath and ask myself this pivotal question: Do you like it when someone just goes right down there with a reckless abandon, Zara? No, you don't. Slow. Down.
People who own penises generally don't mind if someone goes straight in for the blow job (note: I used to sleep with them, too), although teasing has its own merits for them, too. Long story short, though, it usually doesn't matter if the entire affair lasts all of five minutes. They just want to come.
Women and people with vaginas are a far more complicated story. In fact, women often require 20 minutes of foreplay to become completely aroused, as to Amy Levine, sex coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure, explained to Bustle. You need to warm their bodies up. Think of me like a cold piece of bread you pulled straight from the fridge; you have to stick me in the toaster and warm me up so I'm all golden and crispy before you eat me. Otherwise the experience just isn't as pleasant, right? Cold toast is gross. Cold box is worse.
Kiss our entire bodies up and down, head to toe, but don't touch the clit (yet). Also, at this stage, feel free to throw in the occasional moan and "I want you so bad." However, don't do it too much, because it can sound old and forced really quick — just pepper it in here and there. Use your instincts. Everyone has instincts, I promise. Trust them.
3. Master The Art Of The Tease
The trick to going down on a girl is to tease her. You don't want to venture down under until she's wet and begging for it out of anticipation. Girls love anything they have to have a little patience for. If it comes easy and quickly, it can be far less pleasurable.
Start off with just a little hand play. Slowly touch the top of her with your hands lightly over her underwear. Take her underwear off. Go back up to the top and kiss her on the mouth again, and then kiss her entire body, slowly and sensually.
Then before you even get to her clit, kiss her inner thighs and pelvic area. Go slowly. Get into it. Keep teasing. You can tell how excited a girl is by putting your finger down there. Is she wet? She should be dripping by now — and if she isn't, keep teasing.
And before you go in for the kill (she better be breathing heavily and in a full-body tremble), breathe a little hot air right on the clit. It's a little trick of the trade I learned in my years of hands-on lesbian oral.
4. Get Down There, And Don’t Be Shy About It
Going down on a woman is not scary; it's actually a wonderful experience. Look at the vagina. This is very important: You must not be afraid to look at it. If you're afraid to look at a woman's vagina, dead on, you have no business being down there. And if you really want to know how to go down on a woman well, it helps to know your way around what you’re working with (i.e. the vagina and clitoris, in particular), according to Elise Schuster, a sexuality educator and co-founder of the app okayso.
“The external part of the clitoris has 5,000 nerve endings," Schuster previously told Elite Daily. "This means it's super sensitive, especially at the beginning of arousal. A super light, teasing touch is usually a great way to start."
Start by slowly using your tongue. Don't go at it like it's a slice of teeming hot pizza you would pick up at the bar at 4 a.m. Circular motions are nice. Play around, and make sure to ask what feels good.
5. Listen To Her Body, And Remember No Two Women Are The Same
OK, so, let’s say you've been down south before. You made the last person have earth-shattering, mind-blowing orgasms, so this one should be no problem. You know what you're doing because you’ll do it exactly the same this time around.
Wrong! You don’t know exactly what you’re doing. And neither would I. No two women are the same. All women like different things. Some women like it soft and gentle; other women like it hot and fast. Some like both and are total wild cards depending on the day.
You have to listen to her. Don't just recklessly start playing around with something because someone else liked it. We all have different sensitivity levels and trigger spots. If she's breathing heavily and making sounds, it's likely good. Let her body and voice be your tour guide. Your partner can definitely be saying plenty without speaking a word through body language alone. Pay attention to their reactions and what they enjoy.
“If your partner pulls away from you slightly, that probably means the pressure was too intense. If they move their body a bit to the left (or any other direction), keep your mouth where it is, they might be trying to get you to shift a bit. But if they push into you or grab your head, then use more firm pressure,” Schuster said.
And don't be afraid to communicate: "Does this feel good?" "Do you like it here?" Ask questions if you’re unsure. She should be comfortable communicating what feels good.
Pro tip: Put a pillow under her lower back. This elevates the pelvic area and will give her a deeper orgasm. Also, you may want to try sticking your finger inside of her while you're going down on her if she’s into it — especially when she's about to come.
Again, you're welcome.
Lots of love,
Zara, your new lesbian wingwoman XO.
Dr. Susan Edelman, board-certified psychiatrist
Amy Levine, sex coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure
Elise Schuster, sexuality educator and co-founder of the app okayso