If you’re like us, and you take your favorite television series very seriously (as in, don’t bother us from 9 to 11 pm while we binge on cable), then you know that no series is complete without a salty snack of choice (popcorn, anyone?) and a trademark drink.
Sit back, relax, get your buzz going and tune in to “What to Drink While Watching Your Favorite Television Show.”
Excuse me, sir. I’d like some more!
"Orange Is The New Black" | Slippery Nipple
Piper Chapman’s rack, Alex Vause’s boobs, Nicky Nichol’s knockers, Lorena Morello’s jugs and Pennsatucky’s cans… Our television sets have not seen this many titties since Playboy bunnies invaded E! Channel’s “The Girls Next Door.” Between all the shenanigans and plotting these characters lasciviously play on one another, this whole show is practically one slippery nipple waiting to happen.
"American Horror Story" | Bloody Mary
Aside from the obvious pun, the twist of tomato juice, vodka and spice sounds like a much better potion than anything Marie Laveau would concoct. It's not the liquid of eternal youth, but it will make Spalding seem a least a little less creepy.
"Homeland" | Vodka and Klonopin
If pre-preggers Carrie can chug it straight from whatever she can find in the barren cabinets of a safe house in the middle of an Iranian desert UNDER SO MUCH PRESSURE, then yeah, you can and will probably need to toss back a few. Top it all off with a little KP and you’ve got yourself a Sunday night you’ll live to never remember! Plus, considering that "Homeland" sucked for the better part of season three, blacking out seems like the best option.
"Mad Men" | Manhattan
A Manhattan is the kind of drink no one would order in 2013 for fear of seeming like a pretentious douche. But in 1960, whatever. It was the perfect thing to sip on as you smoked cigarettes and schemed on your secretary. Try it out as you peruse "Mad Men." You won't regret it.
"Masters of Sex" | Scotch, Neat
It’s a man’s drink, which clearly Masters is, and he’s super organized so it’s fitting that he takes his drink neat. A Scotch is complex, kind of like Virginia Johnson’s feelings for her dapper mentor. Okay, let’s just mention the pink elephant vagina in the room: A scotch will get you nice and liquored up for when study time reaches its finale.
"Shameless" | Anything and Everything You Can Get Your Hands On
"Shameless" might be the best show to drink to, if only because Frank Gallagher will be able to outpace you at the bar. (In fact, all of the Gallagher kids -- even Liam -- would make excellent drinking buddies.) It doesn’t matter what you’re drinking; as long as it contains alcohol, it’ll pass -- including the rubbing kind. Like the Gallaghers, you know how to get crafty. Put it in a brown paper bag and you're good to go. Bonus points if you take a hit every time Lip twists up or looks hot.
"Game of Thrones" | Premium Lager
Dark and heavy -- perfect for when winter is coming. Like the vast world of "Game of Thrones," there’s a wide variety of malted lagers to sip while watching the Starks a little too intently (RIP, Ned -- your low-key ginger beard was DILF-y as hell) in your living room "kingdom."
"Girls" | Sangria
Preferably sipped from a mason jar gripped by a sea of Madewell rings. If it’s homemade then you totally have the right idea.
Sangria is the perfect cocktail for Hannah Horvath; it’s punchy and fun and can be served family style for all your besties.
"Scandal" | Wine
Throw in a trench coat and some long-stem glasses -- would Olivia Pope want it any other way? Maybe with an extra shot of Fitz. (But real talk, who wouldn’t? I mean THE COUNTRY HOUSE!?!?!)
"Downton Abbey" | Pimm’s
It’s English; they’re English. Makes sense.
"Keeping Up With The Kardashians" | Strawberry Daiquiri
Watching the Kardashians kind of feels like enduring the worst kind of hangover, and with this sugar-laden, pink nightmare, you’ll be halfway there! A Strawberry Daiquiri is the ideal metaphor to describe the Kardashians: thick, tasteless and in need of some serious chilling.
"Boardwalk Empire" | Old Fashioned
An Old Fashioned will set the backdrop for the Prohibition-era drama, as you sip alongside big league players like Nucky Thompson (speaking of which, if we have to endure another one of Steve Buscemi’s sex scenes, make that a double). Who says rules aren't made to be broken?
"True Blood" | Southern Comfort
"True Blood," in our opinion, is like one big sh*t show, and you’ll be sure to start one of your own after a night of SoCo. Fairies, vampires, shapeshifters, werewolves -- you’ll be seeing them all. It’s like HBO wants us to get high off V and fantasy.
"Modern Family" | Keg
With that many family members crashing the party, plus EACH of Sofia Vergara’s tits, we’re going to need a keg. Even though Claire Dunphy would probably die before drinking a beer (ahhh, the fat content!), it’ll prep uptight Alex for a real high school party. Seriously, though, what the hell is Lily doing here?
"House of Cards" | Brandy
The only proper way to monologue to the camera is with a Brandy in your hand. Kevin Spacey would be proud.
Anything on Bravo | Champs
Heads up: I’m kind of a die-hard Bravo fan. Every episode of "Real Housewives" is a good reason to pop some bubblay and celebrate -- unless, of course, you’re tossing it in your frenemy’s face after she went there and brought up your kids. There’s only one rule of the RH Fight Club and that’s no mention of the kids, but putting them on television to popularize your segment is totally fine (cough, Kyle, cough).
"Arrested Development" | Martini
There’s never a wrong time to toss back a vodka martini with the Bluth matriarch, Lucille -- just make sure it’s shaken to her standards. Garnish with some olives and inappropriate jabs at your family members and you two will be best buds in no time.
"Teen Mom" | Shirley Temple
Judging by their string of poor life choices, it’s probably wishful thinking that these teen moms would imbibe a Shirley over a shot, but at least the intent is there.
For now, we maintain our stance on a non-alcoholic beverage -- until a "Teen Mom" actually stops breastfeeding her hick-waiting-to-happen. Then, we would suggest a magnum bottle of Veuve and condoms to celebrate!