Ah, the wonders of the female anatomy! Apparently, there are even crazier things you can do with your vagina than giving birth to a real, live human.
Some women keep secrets in theirs while others use them as storage lockers for transporting drugs across borderlines. Now, that’s what we call pussy power.
Here are the things you didn’t learn how to do to your va-jay-jay in health class. It wasn’t pretty, but someone’s gotta Google it.
1. Keep Calm And Carry Yarn
Brace yourselves, people. Australia-based feminist artist, Casey Jenkins, brings us the latest craze down under: vaginal knitting.
"I'm spending 28 days knitting from wool that I've inserted in my vagina," the performance artist explained. Jeez, ain’t nobody got twine for that!
She continued, "Every day I take a new skein of wool that's been wound so that it will unravel from the center and I stick it up inside me... and then I pull out the thread and knit."
Needle-less to say, we won’t be taking up a new hobby anytime soon…
2. Everything Old Is New Again: Vajuvenation
Injectables and fillers aren’t just for your face anymore. If you want to tone up without hitting the kegels, vaginal rejuvenation treatment maintains aging genitals' elasticity and firmness.
The surgery-free procedure promises to turn back the clock on your worn out vag -- years of engaging in heavy promiscuity and super-plus tampons can assuredly be erased. Cougars can now breathe easy knowing that no one will be able to guess their pooters' real age (OR notice the one time they got fisted on Spring Break...it was ONE time!)
As Bubba Sparxx said best, “Get it right, get it tight!”
3. To Bleach Their Own
Because our vaginas aren’t droopy enough, loose enough and hairy enough, according to people who are clearly spending way too much time down there -- they are also too brown.
Enter: vaginal whitening, which is totally all the rage right now in countries like Thailand and India, in which society is so concerned with the welfare of women that it's invented a bleach to make sure their vaginas are just quite all-white. In regions in which fair skin is associated with success and status, it’s important that even your private parts scream: “I shop artisanally at farmers' markets, enjoy watching Woody Allen and TED Talks, and wearing SPF 100.”
At least we can look on the brightside (no pun intended) -- finally, women are being valued for what’s on the inside.
4. Labia Re-c*nt-struction
Women unhappy with the shape and size of their labia can now turn their lady bites into lady bits.
Labiaplasty involves restructuring a woman’s inner intimate area, and it’s the third most popular procedure in the UK, according to surgery search engine Whatclinic.com. The site has reported a 109 percent increase in inquiries about labiaplasty surgery over the last 12 months.
Does your labia hang low? Does it wobble to and fro? Can you tie it in a knot? Can you tie it in a bow? Then say hello to labiaplasty, which curtails long labia that can be thrown over your shoulder like a continental soldier.
5. Keeping Your Cooch In Mint Condition
If your partner has suddenly stopped giving you oral, maybe it’s because you need to brush your cavity. Or just pop a vaginal mint brought to women by Linger Internal Vaginal Flavoring, which promises to freshen up your vagina with a sugar-pill yeast infection waiting to happen.
Anyone for a Tic-Twat?
Vagina + Facial = Vajacial. Ooh, how clever! What will they think of next? (Vaginal knitting? No, just kidding that’s been done before, see: number one.)
Now, in addition to getting your assh*le shampooed and styled, you can get your vulvodynia cleansed and exfoliated with a papaya-based gel. (Maybe that would solve some problems before things escalate to vag Altoids? Just a thought?)
Also, can we discuss the application process of all this? The entire vajacial is a four-step process that involves an aesthetician applying calming masks and massaging many creams on and around your intimate area. Is it just us, or does this sound like makings of the female version of a happy ending?
We guess if you don’t mind getting a little soft, this might be a pleasurable experience. Just don’t give your aesthetician a vajacial (if you know what we mean / in her face…)
7. Shine On - Vajazzling
As if Brazilian waxing didn’t make us feel childlike enough, now we can play “Pretty Pretty Princess” by bedazzling our nether regions. It’s like keeping your glamorous side on the down low, literally.
It all starts by temporarily applying crystals to bling out your vajay. And we don’t really want to imagine how it ends, but we’re guessing it’s not unlike ripping off a band-aid...Only maybe 100 times worse because it’s on your bajoina.
Fun fact: Jennifer Love Hewitt famously championed the trend, which doesn’t really make it any more or less cool.