You know when your BFF is being a straight up c*nt? She's just ranting and raving and freaking the f*ck out?
My bestie does this a lot. I just let her go on and on. I stare at her because, like Kanye, Imma let her finish. Eventually she'll turn to me, wanting my opinion. My response nine times out of ten is something along the lines of, “When was the last time you caught the dick?”
Because GIRLFRIEND NEEDS A GODDAMN ORGASM. That's where all this aggression is coming from.
Orgasms. You gotta have them, ladies. Literally every single day. It is the only way to keep us sane. How do you know if you need an orgasm?
Hmmm … I have a few ideas.
Since it's Women's History Month, and this is the time of year where we should all appreciate what it means to be a bomb-a*s woman, I've compiled a list of all the signs you really f*cking need an orgasm. RIGHT NOW.
FEMINISM IS CHIC.
If you're wondering if you should go ahead and flick the bean, get that dick or whatever it is you fancy, just consult this trusty guide and see if any of these apply. Something tells me you'll probably find a reason.
1. You're tired.
2. You're hungry.
3. You're anxious.
4. It was a long day.
5. You're bored.
6. You boyfriend is in town, and you two are in an LDR.
7. Your boyfriend isn't home.
8. You just got a new vibrator.
9. You have access to your vibrator.
10. You have access to your fingers. (LOL)
11. You need some “you” time.
12. You're waiting for the shower to heat up.
13. You need to relax.
14. Your show is on a commercial break.
15. Your Internet is out.
16. Your Internet is being slow.
17. You put on your favorite porno.
18. You think Jamie Dornan is hot serial killer on “The Fall.”
19. You have zero chill.
21. You want an orgasm.
22. You need an orgasm.
23. You got a job promotion.
24. You lost your job.
25. You had a normal day.
26. It's been a while since you masturbated.
27. It hasn't been a while since you masturbated, but who GAF?
28. You're drinking a bottle of wine by yourself.
29. You need to clear your head.
30. You have a few extra minutes this morning.
31. You had a bad date.
32. You're going on a first date.
33. You went to the gym and killed it.
34. You didn't go to the gym and want to burn a few extra calories.
35. It's Monday.
36. It's Friday.
37. It's any day of the week.
38. You're in a class and the professor is f*cking hot.
39. You have nothing to do tonight.
40. You have plans but not until later tonight.
41. You can't get out of bed.
42. You can't sleep.
43. You remembered the Hemsworth brothers exist.
44. You need to get your blood flow going.
45. You don't feel like putting on makeup.
46. Someone was rude to you.
47. You just broke up with your f*ckboy boyfriend.
48. You feel vulnerable.
49. You feel strong.
50. You feel sad.
51. You feel mad.
52. You feel happy.
53. You catch a glimpse of bae's cute butt when he's on his way to work in the morning.
54. You can't afford a massage right now.
55. Your weed dealer is taking forever.
56. You're breathing.
57. You're about to shower.
58. You're in the bath.
59. You're in the shower.
60. You ordered in.
61. You cooked for yourself.
62. You just finished watching “The Bachelor.”
63. Ben Higgins.
64. You don't feel like going to yoga.
65. It's a full moon.
66. You're wound tight.
67. You're overly stressed.
68. You're taking your aggression out on others in an unhealthy way.
69. You're on your period.
70. You feel like your best self.
71. There isn't any chocolate in your house.
72. The weather sucks today.
73. You're stalking your crush's social media pics.
74. You got extra guac at Chipotle.
75. Your hair looks really good today.
76. It seems like everything in life really blows right now.
77. You need a make a big decision.
78. You are avoiding your taxes.
79. You have energy to burn.
80. You looked at your bank account.
81. You're pissed.
82. You didn't get with the guy you wanted to bang tonight.
83. You got with the guy who wanted to bang but he didn't get you off.
84. You got a bad haircut.
85. You got a really f*cking good haircut.
86. You are a goddess.
87. You can get yourself off better than any man.
88. You want some prime dick.
89. You need to find your center.
90. Your coworker is annoying you.
91. You need a vacation.
92. You spent $200 at the bar.
93. You're on hold with customer service for an extended period of time and are forced to listen to that awful elevator music.
94. Your boss is being a douchelord.
95. Spin class just wasn't doing it for you today.
96. You finished “House Of Cards.”
97. You're thirsty, both literally and figuratively.
98. You realized that no one will ever love you as much as you love you.
99. And that thought is weirdly liberating and amazing.
100. You're alive.
101. You're a f*cking W-O-M-A-N.