2016 is the year I was supposed to quit drinking, but I was drunk last night.
This morning's slow start and dull headache were painful reminders of why I'd prefer to smoke myself through 2016 than guzzle a glass of Jameson.
Don't look so shocked. Plenty of women have gone public with their toking habits, especially since Rihanna made smoking weed more ladylike.
Nowadays, it seems like everyone indulges in greenery. And, honestly, the world would be a much better place if we just put down our shots of tequila.
Though Wiz Khalifa's favorite food group is largely illegal in most states, cannabis still prevails as an safe, enjoyable drug.
Don't believe me? Here's some science for you.
That, my friends, is why swapping out Jameson bottles for blunts is one of the most important decisions you'll make during your adult life.
1. Your stomach will feel happier.
Everything from peanut butter to Cinnamon Toast Crunch will taste a lot more delicious. Plus, there's always room for more food.
As for drinking? Too much pizza and you'll be praying to the porcelain god before bed.
2. There's no irrational fear of texting your ex.
We don't call it "high texting" for a reason.
It's only after a few shots of Hennessy that you want that old love back in your life.
3. There's no such thing as a hangover.
The day after getting high is headache-free and tolerable.
No shades or Advil needed.
4. You can function as a normal human being.
You might be a little more forgetful, but whatever.
At least you can sit still in class.
5. It's not a gateway drug.
Weed only leads to snacks, sleep or sex.
6. Your liver will love you.
And you'll be grateful it's in perfect condition.
7. You won't decide on a tattoo you'll regret.
An ice cream cone with a face? No thanks.
After one or two joints, most of your decision-making skills are still intact.
8. You make new friends.
Some of your very best friendships form over bong hits.
Keeping that tradition alive is crucial.
9. You care more about your health.
Smoking has plenty of health benefits.
10. You won't want to fight or yell at anyone.
Why ruin a good time?
Chill vibes only.
11. You have more fun.
With your inhibitions to the wind and no worries in sight, you'll be more likely to live in the moment.
12. You ponder the meaning of life.
Yes, "faded AF" spelled backwards is "faded AF."
I've thought about this.
13. Everything is funny.
14. Sex with your significant other is much better.
Whiskey dick is never as fun.
15. You'll give your mind a mental vacation.
Smoking is the epitome of Netflix and chill, especially after a stressful day.
16. High decisions might be slow.
But, drunk decisions are just bad.
17. You won't accidentally overdose.
No one overdoses on weed, but thousands of people die from alcohol per year.
18. You can ease menstrual cramps.
Getting wine drunk only makes you feel more bitchy and miserable.