Being a woman with massive breasts is a lot like trying to smuggle two stolen, fully-inflated balloons under your shirt without anyone noticing.
It's never going to work, because the human brain just can't stop itself from ogling. But, you try anyway.
As someone who's spent many hours painting, I see having large boobs as an exercise in creating a focal point that isn't my chest. Add a shadow here, a pop of color there and viewers become so distracted they'll look away from those oversize balloons under my shirt.
After years of frustratedly tugging up my neckline and shedding tears in H&M changing rooms, I'm here to share my mammary know-how with the girls who need to strap on sports bras practically made of armor.
I'm no stranger to brassieres with cups so big they can comfortably be worn as decorative hats. That's actually pretty funny, by the way, after a glass of cabernet or two.
C cups, look elsewhere. This is for my DDs, my E-cups and larger. I got you, girls.
When planning out my seasonal buys or rummaging through my closet, I usually aim for a modern, clean look that keeps me looking chic while downplaying my jiggly bits. I'm dealing with an out-of-control hourglass shape here, so I try to avoid buying into every trend that comes my way. Pussy bows and boat necks both make me look like I'm borrowing my grandmother's breasts for the weekend.
I call this the Rule of Kim Kardashian: When the reality star dresses for her breasts, she looks fabulous. When she tries a trend, however, we're left joking about her comedically huge pockets.
The only two things a big-chested woman really needs are a strategy and a serious bra.
At work, downplay your chest in a high-necked, neutral-colored top.
Keeping your E-cups in check for the office is no easy feat, which is why I like to play a game of silhouettes and distraction. A breezy blouse with a modest V-neck covers the twins without burying them, while a high neckline ensures no accidental bra flashing. Plus, there are no buttons to haphazardly close.
Underneath, rely on a nude bra that's padded enough to minimize jiggle when you walk -- I only buy Wacoal, and recommend all the women in my life do the same. You can't beat a brand that understands weight distribution better than NASA rocket scientists.
To balance out the look, pull on a boldly colored pencil skirt that draws focus downward. Add a chunky heel.
Instead of bouncing through cardio class, strap your ladies down in style.
I do not mess around when it comes to sports bras. You know how firmly you grip your breasts when you're running down stairs? Athletic underwear should feel just like that.
Gear that can withstand the seismic momentum of my breasts on a trampoline is worth spending money on. To date, I've only found one brand that can hack it: Moving Comfort, owned by Brooks Running.
Dowdy name aside, I own nearly every one of their styles and can never choose a favorite. Thick, front-adjustable straps meet dual compression (a bra inside a bra, if you will) to make these boulder holders the real thing.
Take a risk on nights out at the bar, even if you'll be dancing.
Nothing frightens a big-chested woman like the prospect of unexpected motion. One moment, you think you're headed to a chic wine bar; the next, your friends are insisting you hit a dance floor.
Your breasts were not prepared for this.
In order to be ready for jumping and drinking, opt for high-rise skinny jeans and a crop top. The shirt shows off your shoulders, not your cleavage. I like to pair it with a strapless bustier bra, since the extra ribbing means even more support.
Then, I top the whole outfit off with showy earrings. Instead of locking eyes with my twin headlights, bar-goers will be entranced by my jewelry.
When it's time to get formal, flatter your breasts with a sweetheart neckline.
It's a special night, and that calls for a more dramatic look. I usually find that formal events are an excuse to play up my assets, opting for a lower neckline than usual.
Granted, it's all relative -- I'm not about to try that deep V-neck small-chested girls can do.
A sweetheart neckline hugs the top of both breasts, flattering them without the danger of gaping open. I like a nipped-in waist, which helps highlight my hourglass shape. The bold accessories keep the eye moving from place to place.
A sassy bag is an unexpected statement, as are undeniably beautiful heels.