All My Friends Are Getting Married And I Can't Even Commit To Lunch

by Ashley Fern

This weekend, I watched three people on my news feed get engaged. As if that weren't enough, I also saw photos from at least four weddings and countless bachelorette parties.

Sandwiched in between these postings were everyone else's festival footage, playful weekend pictures and statuses that are better referred to as rants.

When I started using Facebook, I hated seeing these awful statuses -- mocking people who doubled them as diary entries.

Now I find myself wishing for more ridiculous political stances and dramatics because anything is better than watching weddings and engagements bombard my feed.

It's not as if I feel pressured to follow their path of life nor do I feel as if I don't have my sh*t together, but it really makes me question how f*cking old I really am.

I mean, what is the f*cking rush? You are only in your 20s once! You have your entire life to get married, have babies and bombard other people's news feeds.

So, while all y'all are filling out registries, picking out bridesmaids dresses and attending family functions, I'll be getting stoned on my couch binge watching the newest season of “Orange is the New Black”...

1. All my friends went to three weddings this weekend; I went to a festival for three days.

2. All my friends are moving in with their boyfriends; I'm not moving off my couch.

3. All my friends have diamond rings; all I have is a dime bag.

4. All my friends are at the registry; the only registry I have is on Seamless.

5. All my friends are working out; I'm working up an appetite.

6. All my friends wear suit and ties; I'm going to work in the same T-shirt I slept in.

7. All my friends are perfecting home-cooked meals; I can't use anything but the microwave.

8. All my friends are paying off their debt; I'm overdrafting my account.

9. All my friends are putting a down payment on a house; my dad is still my guarantor.

10. All my friends are talking about having kids; I can't even look at one in the face.

11. All my friends are planning out their futures; I can't even remember what I did last night.

12. All my friends are going to bed early; I'm still shutting down the bar.

13. All my friends are making their parents proud; I'm still drunk texting them at 4 am.

14. All my friends are settling down; I'm still swiping right.

15. All my friends go to happy hour; every hour is happy for me.

16. All my friends are moving up in their careers; I can't even find a job.

17. All my friends have joint bank accounts; I'm lighting up joints.

18. All my friends have shared one-bedrooms; I have a shared bathroom with three other roommates.

19. All my friends have a designated date night; I can't even get a date.

20. All my friends do double dates; I double dip in the circle-of-friends-you-shouldn't-f*ck pond.

21. All my friends are figuring out their lives; I'm still trying to figure out where I got that huge f*cking bruise.

22. All my friends are going to their parents' for dinner; I am actively avoiding mine.

23. All my friends have significant others; I have a significant addiction to other substances.

24. All my friends have plus ones; I have a plus-sized ass.

25. All my friends are spending the holidays together; I am saving up to take one.

26. All my friends are on their five-year plan, I'm still on my parents' cell phone plan.

27. All my friends are shacking up; I'm still waiting on line at Shake Shack for my pity-party happy meal.

28. All my friends are following plan A; I can barely afford Plan B.

29. All my friends are using the word "we"; I'm using the term "f*ck off."

30. All my friends stopped going out; I'm still dressing like a desperate 18-year-old college freshman.

31. All my friends are planning interventions for me; I'm too drunk to attend.

32. All my friends are changing their lives; I can't even change my sheets.

33. All my friends are doing taxes; I only know how to ADDerall.

34. All my friends are trying on wedding dresses; I can barely dress my salad.

35. All my friends are cleaning up their acts; I haven't taken a shower in three days.

36. All my friends are going to the gym; I can't even work out the proper amount to tip.

37. All my friends are changing their Facebook status to married; I'm still married to my best friend from college.

38. All my friends are saving up; all I care about is spending.

39. All my friends are finding plus ones; I am actively trying to avoid one.

For more of her thoughts, humor and ridiculous opinions follow Ashley Fern on Instagram and Twitter.