No, seriously, I haven't seen anything this baffling since "the dress." Well, this is the internet, so maybe I have, but that's not the point.
The point is that 20-year-old Jady Duarte, the woman Usain Bolt cheated on his long-term girlfriend with, has come forward in a new tell-all interview with Daily Mail regarding her "night of passion" with the 30-year-old Olympic gold medalist.
When I say "tell-all," I mean TELL ALL. Duarte spilled every single bean there is to spill on her steamy encounter with Bolt.
We'll take it slow for now, though...
Jady Duarte started off by revealing that Usain Bolt was first seen kissing one girl in the club and "twerking" with another one (um, what?) before spotting Duarte's group.
Here's the twerk session.
Despite the twerking and kissing, Usain must have liked what he saw in Jady because he reportedly sent his bodyguard to ask her over.
He then used Google Translate (no joke) to ask her if she would head back "home" with him.
No, he didn't ask her to come back to Jamaica with him -- just to his humble abode in Olympic village. But wait, there's more.
Jady was skeptical at first as she didn't know who he was.
After persistently asking Jady to leave the club with him, Usain flashed his six-pack abs and showed off his signature "lightning bolt" pose.
He was stood in front of us and suddenly he pulled up his shirt and showed us his six pack. I had never seen anything like it. I just had to reach out and stroke it.
It worked, clearly. The report states that Usain finally had Jady convinced.
The pair eventually made it to his room where he had two single beds.
The room was tidy but he had two single beds and they were so small that his feet must have been poking out the end when he slept.
It gets better. The 20-year-old mother of two backtracked to when the bodyguard was calling her over, saying,
The bodyguard said Bolt wants you to come over. I didn't go at first because I was playing hard to get. Most girls would go over there like a shot but I wanted to make him work.
She certainly made him "work," that's for sure. The report states that during their sexual encounter, which she described as more as a "marathon" than a "sprint," Usain Bolt insisted that they do THE DEED to "Work" by Rihanna featuring Drake.
I'm not sure about you, but I don't think I can ever listen to that track again. Consider it ruined.
It was very passionate and hot - we were devouring one another. He has the body of a champion although his male parts do not match - he is just like a regular guy. I was expecting him to be fast but it was actually the slowest sex I've ever had. We did it for about 40 minutes then he took a couple of minutes rest before we did it again. He was certainly quick at recovering but we didn't have sex a third time.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT... So, Bolt couldn't reel in a third win like he did with those Olympic gold medals this year, huh? In other words, Bolt can pull a "triple triple" on the track but NOT in the sheets.
This is a crazy world we live in, folks.
Jady went on to reveal that both of them snapped selfies and spent the night in bed until about 9 am the next morning. That's when Bolt reportedly handed her some cash for a taxi.
Bolt wound up parting ways with Jady shortly after their rendezvous without giving her his phone number.
However, he did promise her he'd see her again upon his return to Rio for the Paralympics in September.
Jady Duarte closed out her tell-all interview with Daily Mail saying,
I never imagined that he had a girlfriend or so many women. He's a great looking guy, a huge star - but he is shameless. It was a good experience and the sex was good but now I just feel like just another one of his girls.
Despite all the drama surrounding Usain Bolt cheating on his long-time girlfriend Kasi Bennett, it seems like Bolt isn't letting any of it get to him.
It's hard to imagine Usain Bolt doesn't have a few other things on his mind.
Let's see... his 30th birthday just passed, rumors are swirling that Nike offered him a contract worth north of $30 million and he walked away with three more gold medals in Rio this year.
The proof? Just after leaving Rio, the 30-year-old gold medalist was spotted leaving yet another nightclub in London with MORE WOMEN.
Does THIS GUY look worried to you?
Yeah, he's not worried about it.