Welcome To Dick Apointments 101, Please Get Ready To Take Notes

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Being an adult means keeping track of the many boring but necessary appointments your parents used to handle, like teeth cleanings and annual physicals. You might not be aware, however, that there's a type of appointment that you definitely won't mind keeping (and that your parents definitely shouldn't arrange for you). This appointment won't cost you anything to cancel last-minute, won't involve a paper gown, and won't end with you being shamed for not flossing often enough. Oh yeah, and you'll get laid. If this was a game of Jeopardy, then the answer you're looking for is: What is a dick appointment?

I'm glad you asked. If it's been a hot second since your last visit to Urban Dictionary, then you should know that a dick appointment is a fun euphemism for arranging some sexy time. And I'm not talking sweet, tender lovemaking here — I'm talking a no-strings-attached bang sesh with the eggplant emoji provider in your life. For people who ain't got no time for games, the dick appointment is the ideal way get it in and get out without any of the ambiguity or anxiety that comes with waiting for sex to happen organically. Three cheers for efficiency!

If you're into subtlety, then the dick appointment is not for you. The text messages you would send to arrange such an appointment are direct, explicit, and almost clinical — and no, "U up?" doesn't make the cut. Of course, that also means that the dick — er, person — that you're contacting should be on the same page as you. Nothing is more awkward than sending a Google Calendar invite for a no-pants dance to someone you only met last week. There's a difference between audacious and just straight-up odd, so you and your bang bud should definitely know where you stand before making such an arrangement.

I should also mention that— despite the name — the dick appointment does not have to be limited to a rendezvous with an actual penis. You can schedule a dick appointment with whomever you'd like, regardless of anatomy. You can schedule dick appointments with folks with dicks. You can schedule dick appointments with folks with clits. Bottom line: If you are looking for a pre-arranged boinking bash with no special conditions or restrictions, then you can take advantage of a dick appointment. (*Oprah voice* You get a dick appointment! You get a dick appointment! You all get a dick appointments!)

How do you know if you're the recipient of a dick appointment invite? Though it should be pretty clear to you, your hookup partner probably won't go as far as mailing you a reminder for your next visit like your dentist does. But if your sex buddy does send you a message saying something along the lines of, "Let's bump uglies," then you know that they're more likely down to clown. After that, there's nothing left for you to do other than set a time, set a location, and get ready for the big night (or day, depending on what you're into).

For the more romantic types, all of this may sound a little impersonal for your taste. Keep in mind, however, that a dick appointment can turn into a romance, or at least a friendship, if the two of you weren't friends-with-benefits already. Of course, that makes things complicated, and the concept of the dick appointment is decidedly uncomplicated. If you're looking for a substantial relationship, I wouldn't suggest this cavalier hookup method, but if you're a person on-the-go simply looking to get your rocks off, then schedule away.

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