People Are Texting Their Partners For D*ck Appointments & I'm LOL-ing

by Candice Jalili
Originally Published: 

Let's face it: Life is busy and, as much as we'd all love to be doing it with our partners spontaneously all the time, sometimes sex needs to be scheduled! So much so that now some people are texting their partners for d*ck appointments. What is a d*ck appointment, you ask? Well, it's pretty self-explanatory. It's an appointment you make for a special someone to provide you with some much-needed d*ck. You get it. Obviously, they're only necessary for people who are interested in getting d*ck. If you'd prefer a p*ssy appointment or any other sort of appointment, you do you!

In what has to be the greatest Twitter movement of all time, one user screenshotted the d*ck appointment she booked with her boyfriend. "Text ur significant other asking what d*ck appointments they have available and reply to this post with their responses," she tweeted on May 28 along with the screenshot. People loved the idea and, as of June 3, the user already had over 11,000 replies to her tweet. Over 11,000 replies, you guys! That's huge. And, luckily for us, the screenshots are absolutely freaking hilarious. Don't believe me? Read them for yourself below.

It All Started With This Tweet
This Guy Was Extremely Professional And Transferred His Girlfriend To The Appointment Center

Oh, and by the way, the appointment center turned out to be his best friend.

Yep. Just when you thought things couldn't get any better.

This Dude Asked For A Booking Confirmation

... And he even sent her a confirmation number. I'm freaking out.

This Devout Dude Only Has One Unavailable Hour
This Guy Is Super Available And I'm So Here For It
He Had The Perfect Play On Words For The Occasion
He Denied Her So She Asked To Speak To The Manager
He Accepted But Set Super Realistic Expectations For His Client
They're Long Distance, So He Had To Put Her On Hold
She Scored A Day-Of Appointment
TBD On What Happens After The Next Few Years, But This Dude Is Down For Now
She Reached His Maximum Capacity And Had To Be Cut Off
I Mean, Someone Had To Make This Joke... Right?
This Guy Has Got To Go
He Set Her Up For A Great Comeback Line
He Offered Some Great Packages
This Dude's Being A Low-Key Sketch Ball
This Guy Is Absolutely No Fun
He Had A Fantastic Auto Response
She Was Sure To Note She's Always Been A Satisfied Customer
This Is The Kind Of Devotion We All Deserve

OK, well, obviously your partner doesn't actually have to be available for you 24/7. You never have to give anyone d*ck. Not even your significant other! Sex should always be a consensual choice. And, hey, what better way to make sure that your partner is totally down than to schedule a d*ck (or p*ssy) appointment of your very own?! Just whip out your phone, text your partner, and inquire about their availability. You don't have to put their response on Twitter but, like, I really hope you do because these are too hilarious for me to ever stop wanting to read them.

One more very important thing I think we can all take away as a lesson from these tweets? Sending a d*ck appointment text is a fantastic way to judge a man's sense of humor. From here on out, I am only judging a man by the quality of his response to a d*ck appointment. Any subpar responses can GTFO of here as far as I'm concerned.

OK, last thought and I'll leave you alone for good. I hope reading these makes you more comfortable scheduling sex with your partner! Scheduling sex doesn't mean that the spark is gone or the fire is out. Scheduling sex just simply means that you and your partner are both totally committed to keeping that flame burning hot.

So... what are you waiting for!? Whip out your phone, open iMessage (and maybe also gCal) and start scheduling!

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