Sex can be a lot of fun, but can also sometimes be awkward, embarrassing, and nerve-wracking. Before doing the deed, your mind might start to wander. But don't worry — you're not crazy. It's really common to have all types of fleeting thoughts before getting it on. I spoke with a few experts about this phenomenon, and have some very good news for you. Your internal ramblings are probably totally normal thoughts to have before sex.
If certain thoughts start to run through your brain before getting naked with bae, and then you begin to overthink the fact that you're overthinking, you're not alone. According to Dr. Shannon Chavez, licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist, it's normal for people to focus on "appearance, environment, and performance before sex. It’s more common than not due to expectations and goals around sex." So, if you're a pre-sex over-thinker, you're in good company.
Do you find yourself panicking about how your body looks without clothes on, what your partner will think about your skills, or if you'll be able to have an orgasm? While these thoughts are pretty standard, try not to sweat it, and remember that you're not a weirdo for thinking them. Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, a San Diego sociologist and sex speaker tells Elite Daily that "sex is a vulnerable act in so many ways, from being naked to the noises our bodies make, and sharing a side of you that not many people see ... being nervous is quite normal!"
The following five thoughts are totally normal to have before a romp in the sack, so don't panic.
Lots of people worry about how their bodies look before sex. Dr. Chavez explains that "if you are too focused on how your body looks, then more than likely, it will result in distraction and disconnection." Believe it or not, it's unlikely that your partner is judging your body before you hook up, but they might pick up on your nerves or distracted attitude, so try to lighten up and focus on the moment.
Barbara Winter, PhD, a psychologist and certified sexologist, says that for newer couples, it's not uncommon to worry about every little hair being in place or to think, "Now that [my partner] sees me without makeup, how will [they] feel about me?" If you feel self-conscious about doing the deed, it's pretty typical. But instead of freaking out about your brows being on fleek or whether certain body parts are too big or too small, try to appreciate the intimate act of bonding with your partner. And don't worry — when you feel fab, you look fab.
Before sex, do you often stress out about being good?Gunsaullus says that it's very common to wonder "whether you're going to be able to please" your partner. A lot of women worry that their boyfriend or girlfriend won't be satisfied with their sex life or that bad sex could put the relationship in jeopardy.
According to Claudia Six, PhD, a clinical sexologist, relationship coach, and author of the award-winning book Erotic Integrity: How To Be True To Yourself Sexually, "When we are naked and aroused is when we are most vulnerable. So if you have nervous thoughts, it means you’re feeling vulnerable." Being intimate with someone can be kinda scary, especially if you're dating a new boo or don't have a lot of sexual experience. Your partner is probably nervous too, so try to chill your nerves and focus on the parts of intimacy that you both enjoy!
Winter tells Elite Daily that "when a woman is not feeling good about her body, she’s not feeling sexy." While thinking about your body or other physical attributes right before getting frisky is completely normal, it might make you feel like you're not really in the mood.
Gunsaullus makes the point that "if your uncertain thoughts before sex are, 'I don't know if I want to do this,' then dig deep to find your voice and explicitly say 'No.'" If you literally just wanted to watch Netflix and chill, that's totally OK!
Not only is it normal to ask yourself if you're comfortable before sex, but it's also a healthy practice. "Negative experiences around sex tend to cause more uncertainty ... because of anticipation of a similar outcome," Dr. Chavez says. It's a good thing to check in with yourself to make sure you're OK with what's happening. "For most, context is essential for positive experiences during sex including if your current environment is comfortable, clean, and cozy," she says. Just be sure to communicate with your partner if there's anything you're uncomfortable with.
Six says that "if you’ve been with a new lover several times and you’re not getting into your groove and feeling more comfortable and confident," it might be a good idea to reflect on what's really going on. Take note of how you feel before, during, and after sex with this person and remember that you never have to do anything you don't want to.
Lots of women wonder if sex will be enjoyable, especially right before the act. According to Dr. Chavez, "normal ramblings may include ... what types of pleasure you are craving." She says that it's common to wonder if the "sex is going to be good [and] if it will result in an orgasm." This is completely normal and frankly, a fair concern. Unfortunately, you can't predict whether sex will lead to an O, but the more comfortable and communicative you are with your partner, the better your chances.
Winter says that it's absolutely normal to have doubts in the bedroom. "Even in long term relationships, there might be some uncertainty," she notes. Six offers some reassurance when she explains that "the most important thing to remember is that nervous thoughts are normal, and if all goes well, [they] should not persist."
So there you have it: If your mind wanders before sex, it's super common. Sometimes, acknowledging the awkwardness surrounding sex can alleviate your nerves. It's OK to laugh a little if you knock teeth or let out some sneaky sex sounds. Just remember to speak up, be yourself, and own your confidence in your naked skin.
