When You’re Craving Dirty Talk In The Bedroom, Tell Your Partner Just Like This

by Christy Piña
Originally Published: 

What turns you on in the bedroom can be as unique to you as your fingerprints. What really gets you going may be the exact opposite of what makes your partner's toes curl, but regardless, finding a way to do the things you both crave sexually is important. (As long as everything is consensual, of course.) But if your relationship is fairly new, feeling comfortable enough to open up to your SO about what you like can be tricky. Dirty talk is one such situation. Telling your partner you want them to talk dirty when you've never brought up the topic might seem embarrassing or awkward, but it doesn't have to be, and it shouldn't be.

"One of the easiest ways to introduce dirty talk into your relationship is to lead by example," Courtney Cleman, relationship and sex expert and founder of The V Club, tells Elite Daily. "If your partner is less adventurous in bed, start slow by using less explicit language and watch their reaction. If your partner isn't readily reciprocating, find a time to have a conversation about your desire for dirty talk — the best time is when your partner is relaxed, in a good mood, and you’re not having sex."

"Talking about sex leads to better sex," Dr. Jess O’Reilly, host of the Drive Your Lover Wild video series, tells Elite Daily. The thing about dirty talk is that different people define it differently, she says. "It need not be raunchy; dirty talk can be instructive, sweet, romantic, teasing, kinky, and fantasy-related." So, before you and bae start talking up a storm in the bedroom, it may be best to define what kind of dirty talk you both want to try. Consider using the sandwich approach when bringing it up to your partner, Cleman suggests. "Say something about how much you enjoy your sex life with them; talk about how dirty-talking could be an exciting new thing to try; then close with more complementary thoughts about your relationship," she explains.

If you're struggling to figure out how to casually bring up dirty talk in conversation, Dr. Rosara Torrisi, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and founder of the Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy, has a suggestion. "Notice when it happens in a movie or song and say something like, 'I think it's really hot when people talk dirty during sex, what do you think?'" she tells Elite Daily. You can also ease into the conversation by asking bae what they like to hear in bed, O'Reilly says, and making sex-related conversations a regular thing in your relationship.

It's important to always remember that your sexual desires are nothing to be ashamed of, and that you shouldn't feel embarrassed to tell your partner what you want. But if talking dirty turns you on, and your partner isn't a fan, try not to stress. While it can be sexually frustrating if you really crave those sexy words and they don't care for them, compromise can be a wonderful tool in this situation. Finding some sort of happy medium can give you some of the excitement you'd get from dirty talk — without your partner having to do something they're not comfortable with.

If your partner isn't exactly keen on the idea of talking really dirty, maybe they'd be OK with whispering compliments into your ear during sex. You could also consider asking them to make more sounds during sex that would turn you on the same way that dirty talk would. "A few mmhs and ahhs can go a long way," O'Reilly says. Perhaps bae isn't totally against talking dirty, but they don't really know what to say. "Ask them questions in bed so that they don’t have to come up with their own dialogue," she suggests. "Do you like it like that? Do you want me to...? What would you do if I...?"

Now, if your SO gives you a hard no on dirty talk, it's important to respect their wishes. "You can’t force a person to do something that they don't want to do," Dr. Dawn Michael tells Elite Daily. "But with that being said, if you explain it to them in a way that makes sense to them and relate it to something that they may like, then the chances of them doing it are better, because they understand it." If you explain it, and they're still super against it, then that's that. Don't try to push it any further.

Ultimately, your SO has every right to put a stop to any sex-related activity they're not comfortable with, just like you do too. And while you should be able to talk about anything in your relationship, that doesn't always mean that the end result will be your desired outcome. Dirty talk is no different. Starting a conversation about it is always a good move, and you'll never know what they're willing to do unless you ask. They might just be as big a fan of dirty talk as you are, and asking might make all the difference in your sex life.

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