If you've ever felt like you had to invest time in supporting and understanding a boyfriend's hobbies without it being reciprocated, you'll understand why Ross Butler's comments on women in a recent interview with Cosmopolitan have sparked a bit of controversy on Twitter.
In the interview, Butler — who played Reggie in season one of Riverdale and stars as Zach in 13 Reasons Why — gave some advice for getting to know a guy that wound up really rubbing a lot of people the wrong way.
"The way to a guy’s heart is through his hobbies," Butler said, adding:
Find out what he’s passionate about, and if you really love him, get into it too. If I meet a girl who can talk video games, guitar, cooking, or good books, it’s a huge turn-on. And lots of guys like to teach, so if you can get hands-on with learning it, I’m telling you, you’ll get there.
Sure, there's something to be said for sharing some hobbies with your partner, or even getting into things they like (or vice versa) if it's something you really want to do. (It is important to have hobbies outside of your relationship, too!) But that's not really the problem here. The issue is in the idea that women should learn men's hobbies specifically to turn them on (especially when men aren't really encouraged to do the same for women) — and in implying that things like "video games, guitar, cooking, [and] good books" are men's hobbies in the first place.
Butler's quote quickly started making the rounds on Twitter, and with it came plenty of people weighing in — and making some really strong points about why the comment was problematic.
A few key things to remember here: First, you should never feel the need to feign interest in something just to get a man's (or anyone's) attention. Second, things like playing video games and guitar are hobbies that anyone can be into and be good at, and definitely should not be considered "men's hobbies." Let's stop acting like women who like these things are only in it to turn on men — they're not. (Also, here's a friendly reminder that plenty of women are into these hobbies and don't date men!)
And last but not least, it's OK to share hobbies with your partner, and it's equally OK to not share hobbies with your partner. But if learning each other's hobbies is something you do want to do, it should be out of genuine interest and something you're both open to and in support of — no matter what those hobbies are.
On Sunday, after tweets about his quote had been circulating for most of the weekend, Butler responded to the backlash on his Twitter.
Along with stating that he believes "both people should take the time to get to know and love themselves, and when they're ready, find someone to share their findings with," Butler shared another quote from his Cosmopolitan interview.
For a long time, I made a conscious decision not to date. I think you need to take time to focus on yourself, especially in your early- to mid-20s. I wanted to be emotionally set and get my career going before I got into anything serious. Now I think I have a good foundation, and somebody I bring into my life could teach me things and help me branch out.
In this quote, Butler talks about waiting until his mid-20s to date, and mentions wanting to learn from his partner, too.
It sounds like Butler didn't intend to imply that women should be learning stereotypical "men's hobbies" to impress guys they like, but it's worth noting that the impact is still there, and the advice he shared still frustrated people in a completely valid way.
Here's hoping the star listens to the women who shared their criticism, and comes away from this having learned an important lesson.
Check out the “Best of Elite Daily” stream in the Bustle App for more stories just like this!
