Have you ever idolized someone in your head, only to be disappointed by them once you got to know them? Imagine that scenario, except with sex. Nothing sucks quite like having a huge crush on someone, only to hook up with them and discover the sex was just meh. And who has time for meh sex? Certainly not you. The good news is, understanding the signs you and your crush won’t be sexually compatible before getting too attached might help you avoid that disappointment later on down the road.
Before you can know if you and your crush are sexually compatible, it's important to know that there are a few components to sexual compatibility in the first place. "There is compatibility in terms of how you see sex and what it means for you, and these drive your behaviors and desire in and toward sex," sex and intimacy coach Irene Fehr tells Elite Daily. "Understanding what sex means to both of you will tell you if you’re on the same page with your partner or not."
But that's not all. "Then, there is physical compatibility in terms of smell, chemistry, and touch," Fehr says. "You might like the person and be attracted to them, but upon engaging in touch, you might not feel any chemistry with their body."
If you want to gauge whether or not you and your crush will be sexually compatible, here's what Fehr says to look out for.
1. If They Don't Even Want To Talk About It, Take Note.
If you and your crush have been talking for a few months, and they refuse to discuss sex, it could be because they know you're not on the same page about it. "The biggest early sign that there will not be sexual compatibility is that your partner won't talk to you about sex or [is not] willing to address your questions or concerns," Fehr says. This can obvi be hard to gauge if you haven't attempted to talk to your crush about sex yet, but if you ever bring it up, and they start to shy away from the topic or get weird about it, take note.
2. They're Judgmental.
If your crush is judgmental toward you and your sexual tastes, or they make it clear they aren't into the same things as you in a harsh way, that could be a sign of incompatibility. "If you judge one another’s interests and desires, it can be difficult to bridge the compatibility gap," Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D. and host of the @SexWithDrJess podcast, tells Elite Daily. Plus, you know what else no one has time for? People who judge without listening or trying new things. If your crush shows anything but patience and understanding for you when it comes to sex, then don't be afraid to show them the door.
3. You Disagree About How Often You Should Be Having Sex.
You're busy, I get it! But making sure that you and your partner are spending quality time together is key to sexual compatibility. More, it's important to make sure your desires line up. You should both want to have sex when you're having it. It shouldn't have to feel like a "chore."
"When people think of sexual compatibility, they often think about how often they’re having sex," O’Reilly continues. "But this is only one piece of the puzzle. Overcoming differences in desire levels is possible once you start to focus on the quality of your sexual and intimate interactions with one another."
All that's to say, if you're getting bored of your usual sex routine, try spicing it up! There's nothing wrong with bringing out toys, wearing sexy lingerie, or bringing food into the bedroom. The possibilities are endless, and once you and your partner start working on the quality of your sexual interactions, like O'Reilly says, you won't have to worry about the quantity. Neither of you will be able to wait until bedtime.
4. You're Just Not Excited About Sex With Them.
This one might sound a little obvious, but it's important to point out that if you've done everything you can to spice up your sex life, and you're still not into it, it might mean that you're just not into your partner in that way. It's like when you finally hook up with the friend you've been flirting with for years, and the sex is so meh that you realize you're probably better off as friends. It's not a bad thing! In this case, they just don't do it for you, and that's OK.
As sexologist Carol Queen tells Elite Daily, "If either of you doesn’t get very aroused," or doesn't "seem to desire much physical connection, like making out," you likely aren't compatible.
When it comes down to it, sexual incompatibility doesn't always mean the relationship is doomed. "What you do if you might not be sexually compatible heavily depends on how important sex and sexual intimacy are to you and your partner," Fehr says. "If sex is an important part of a romantic relationship for you, sexual incompatibility can mean the end of it. If a couple both attribute little meaning to sex and do not tie it to their love for each other — for example, if sex is just a way to have fun, and they enjoy many other fun things — sexual incompatibility may not influence their relationship."
All that's to say, sex usually plays a large role in most happy relationships, so if it's a big deal to you, don't be afraid to seek help from a sex therapist, or to do your research on ways you and your partner can get on the same page. Having good, healthy sex should matter equally as much to both of you, especially if you have a lot of love for each other. And if it doesn't, and you find yourself caring more about it than your partner does (and thus, doing most of the emotional labor it takes to get you both on the right track), don't be afraid to have a conversation with your partner about it. A couple is a team for a reason, and if you can't get on the same page about something as important as your sexual relationship, it might be time to consider what comes next for you both.