It's a Tuesday morning a few months after the election. I'm scrolling through my emails, when I spot one from my agent.
I'm a writer, and we're in the process of selling my second book. It's a comedy about trying to get my sex life back after a five-year dry spell. It's the only thing that's been keeping me sane throughout this brutal, soul-sucking political climate.
I open the email. We're supposed to be sending the book to publishers this week, and I'm hoping for good news.
I get this in response:
Tensions are high post-election. I think we should wait to send out the proposal.
While this is totally insignificant compared to the other shit going down, it's one more way Donald Trump has become an unyielding thorn in my ass. This man is perpetually stealing my time, energy and goodwill.
And now, he's stealing my book. I've spent half my winter outside, protesting.
That's how I realize I'm in a relationship with Donald Trump: It's a rocky, unhealthy relationship that's consuming me.
I'm stalking him on the internet. My friends are tired of me talking about him. He hates my other exes: a Muslim, a Latino and a Jew.
And like the shittiest boyfriend ever, he wants to grab my pussy, but he doesn't care about my birth control.
It's time for me to break up with him; this relationship is exhausting me. I'm stuck in a state of rage and sadness all the time.
And I'm worried, too. He's not just any kind of boyfriend: He's abusive.
He won't just unfriend you. He'll steal your cat, ruin your coffee machine and burn your couch.
That's if you're lucky. If you're unlucky, he might just throw you in jail.
The fact is, you might need to break up with him too. If you're like me, know we're in danger of losing our sanity, health and happiness.
Since I write about sex and dating – and because there are people way more qualified than me to write actual scholarly articles – I've created a Donald Trump breakup plan. It's for anyone who feels like his or her life has been hijacked by this new relationship.
1. Enjoy a social media detox.
Everyone knows a good breakup begins with a social media detox. Like is the case with every ex boyfriend, it's time for me to “unfollow” Trump.
Don't pay any more attention to his tweets or photos. It's important to know about what's going on with the government – especially this administration – but my content consumption has been obsessive.
I spend hours reading articles and following links to other articles. Three hours later, clickbait and emotion-inducing language has successfully made me enraged.
It's energetically draining. My breakup with DT means he's no longer allowed to consume my free time, which means I stay informed WITHOUT falling into an all-day Trump wormhole every time I get on the internet.
2. Stop fighting on Facebook.
Have you ever gotten into a fight with an ex-boyfriend's friend? He won't care about logic or reasoning; he will always take your ex-boyfriend's side.
I'm done fighting on Facebook. No matter how thoughtful or well-researched you are, someone is going to respond to you in an obnoxious way.
I believe in compassionate dialogue, but repeat after me: No one changes his or her mind because of a Facebook comment.
Believe me, I've tried. So, if it's someone you care about, invite the person out for coffee and really listen to what he or she has to say. If it's someone you don't care about, don't feed the trolls.
3. Channel your rage to productivity.
After every breakup, I like to channel my anger by hitting the gym HARD. In this case, I'm going to channel my rage in other productive ways, like donating to Planned Parenthood under Mike Pence's name.
I'm going to intervene when someone is being harassed. I'll donate to the ACLU. I will no longer passively let the bullies run the show.
There are boundaries for human decency, and he has crossed them. So, as much as I'd like to egg his house, the security is too high.
Instead, I will call my representatives and peacefully protest because I want to let my ex (Trump) know he can't get away with treating people like shit.
4. Fight when it matters.
When you're in a good relationship, the future seems bright. When you're in a bad relationship, the future seems bleak.
That's where we're at right now.
There's a lot of uncertainty about what's going to happen, and that's terrifying. I'm walking around in a constant state of rage, and I'm taking it out on everyone. That's not smart because there will be moments when we're really going to have to come together to fight for people's rights.
The weekend after the Muslim ban was one of those times. So choose your battles, and show up when it counts.
So, DT: We're breaking up. You don't get to ruin my life. You don't get to ruin anyone else's life, either.
Muslims don't have to register anywhere... except for updates on the new iPhone. And then, only if they want to.
We'll fight for health care. Conversion therapy's not a thing. No one gets to walk around grabbing pussies.
You can babble on about your wall, but if you try to build it, then the roles will reverse, and I'll become the unyielding thorn in your ass.
Until then, don't text or call.
We're over, bro.