How To Summon Love While The Inauguration Ruins Everything
Well, we're here. Doomsday. The big one. The whole enchilada. The big ka-blowee. The end of the world.
Today, January 20, 2017, Donald Trump is becoming President of the United States of America.
If you're like me (and almost 66 million other people) it might feel like a really, really bad day.
But don't worry; I'm here to help. I've put together a list of my favorite ways to summon love and fight the imminent darkness slowly surrounding us all:
Drop whatever you are doing and eat ice cream.
Remember when you were a kid and if anything bad happened, ice cream would always fix it? Same rules apply here.
Our nation is sinking back in time, and our rights are being revoked out from under us? Nothing a quick scoop of Double Chocolate Chunk Rocky Road won't cure.
Watch "The Notebook" to get out that cathartic cry, but NOT BECAUSE OF TRUMP. HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOUR TEARS.
Watching a movie about eternal love is a GREAT way to ugly cry your way through the inauguration without admitting it's because you fear for the children of our future.
Bonus if you can follow the movie up with "P.S. I Love You" or "Up."
Fuck like a wild animal.
Endorphins, people! Get 'em going!
No time like the present to revisit your animalistic roots and screw etiquette (literally). It's the end of the world, so you might as well go get yours before we all die (probably) via nuclear war.
Adopt a dog, probably.
Actually, this is my favorite advice on this list.
Puppies love you absolutely unconditionally, so you can say all the horrible things you want about the state of our government, and they will still snuggle with you at night like the sun shines out of your jaded ass.
It feels great.
Call your mom, seriously.
Second favorite piece of advice here.
No matter what your relationship with your mom is like, today is actually the best day to call her.
With any luck, she'll make you feel better like she did when you peed your pants at honors club. Worst case scenario, you tell your mom you love her and hang up.
No matter what, it's still a win-win.
Work out until you black out.
Endorphins again, people! Can't stress this enough!
A great way to FEEL YOUR HEART BEATING is to run on a 89 percent incline and blast R.E.M. in your earbuds. This will also prep your body to fight in the apocalypse.
Maybe mix Mentos and Coke and just see what happens?
JK, JK, JK. OMG, don't do it.
Cash in your 401(k) and give it all to Planned Parenthood, for real.
Women need all the support we can get at the moment, and programs like Planned Parenthood are a great way to offer support and assist in our fight for our rights.
Babysit any baby you know.
YOU GUYS. HOW MANY TIMES DO I NEED TO MENTION ENDORPHINS BEFORE YOU GET IT?
Smelling a baby's head is, like, the number one relaxant on the planet. Science almost definitely says so somewhere.
Bonus if they have such fat arms and legs that their knees, wrists and elbows don't exist.
And that's it. These are the only ways to summon love into your life on this dark day. Love each other. Be kind. Take a nap. Godspeed.