You thought it was dead. You thought it was safe to return to Jack’s Wife Freda or Moon Shadows or 2 Sparrows or whatever the avocado-toast-of-the-moment-spot is again.
You’ve even eased up on your vow never to reply "yes to all" brunch invitations.
Yup, we’re brunching again. And while we've already discussed how to be the most hated person at a music festival, brunch has a whole new set of rules.
We decided to construct our own guidelines for “Brunching 2.0,” after many years of tater tots versus home fries experience, to help our readers reach their full potential out in the fields.
Because it’s not enough to just be the most hungover, miserable or cheap person at brunch. You have to be the most hated to really get your bottomless brunch's worth.
It’s time to stop this phenomenon before it starts up again by reminding you just how bad it can get. Here’s how to be the most hated person at brunch.
1. Show up late
It’s important to establish your “Most Hated” position right off the bat before some other resting brunch bitch face loudly complains about her meal and tries to steal the title from you.
Start the party off wrong by failing to meet on time, preferably after your tired and hungover friends have waited 45 minutes in line for an egg white omelet they could have made at home (hey, doing brunch wasn’t your idea -- ooh, remind them of that when you arrive).
Because we all know the cardinal rule of brunch that separates the have-tried-the-açai-bowls from the have-nots: Incomplete parties will not be seated.
You can’t be the most hated person if you’re not the direct cause of everyone’s hunger pangs. It’s their fault anyway for choosing a place that has a notorious line.
2. Give a detailed play-by-play of your plans for the rest of the day and make sure they are super productive
Your friends will feel simultaneously annoyed and jealous that the most they’ll accomplish is curing their hangovers while you basically got your entire life figured out.
Speak your schedule aloud, multiple times using the excuse that you need to “talk it out.”
People will really hate you for reminding them of everything they aren’t doing in their only two days of free time (hint: The two-day thing is a key selling point -- highlighting how short the weekend is really makes people bug out).
3. Be on some kind of diet and push it on everyone else
You know what people really don't want to talk about as they chow down on a $20 fried chicken sandwich? How bad it is for them. Therefore, you should take this as an open invitation to discuss any of the following:
- Your new, super restrictive diet that Posh Spice has done
- The fundamental differences between gluten, multigrain and whole wheat, and why you're not eating any of them
- How chickens (like the very same one that gave way to this fried sammie) are caged and slaughtered, and why you're not eating any of them
Insist, however, that you will be finishing your entire diet egg white only, no oil or happiness omelet, in case anyone dared to try a bite.
Trust us. Nobody will thank you.
4. Only pay for what you ordered
...But still liberally eat off your friends' plate before they are finished. If you really want to make a lasting impression, be sure to go for their best bite.
When the bill comes, eagerly announce that you only had Eggs Benedict with an extra side of fries and green salad (healthy) and a coffee, so like, you definitely aren't paying for everyone's drinks. Humph!
With any luck, you'll never be invited to brunch again.
5. Veto every restaurant suggestion in the group chat
For the truly committed, there is an even earlier step to establish that you will be “The Pain-In-The-Ass Of The Day:” Shoot down every restaurant proposal for exclusively personal and frustrating reasons such as, "I don't like it there," "the bathroom there makes me gag," "I once heard the chef has kids, and that freaks me out."
Remember, it's important to refrain from offering alternatives. Let your friends try to please you. Yay! Everyone wins!
6. Arrive hangry
And remain that way even after your food arrives (ps: It can never arrive too early). Under no circumstances should you so much as hint that you are enjoying any part.
If people forget how hungry you are, feel free to grumpily remind them that you're starving -- as if it's their fault. Bringing the mood down with your hanger is essential if you want to be most hated.
7. Shout-speak super loudly when everyone is super hungover
Make sure it’s at a decibel that is also intrusive to other diners. It doesn’t count unless the mature table of six with babies in high chairs hears you scream “She’s a c*nt!” from across the room.
8. Talk about how full you are
When the meal isn’t even close to over, go on repeating about how stuffed you feel until everyone is fully aware of your uncomfortably full status.
For added effect, force people to touch your distended belly while sighing about how fat you are. Everyone loves a girl with major body insecurities who needs constant positive reinforcement.
Not only will this garner more attention, it will also help bolster your most hated position.
9. Take pictures of everyone’s meals
The key to being effective at this is to really get in people’s way. Dictate who orders what based on how good it’ll look on Instagram.
Yell at them not to touch their food when it arrives at the table. Use the flash. Make the waiter stop traffic to take a group pic with everyone’s dishes.
Make him or her re-do it because your salad wasn’t smiling. Pretend the sausage is a dick, and pose with it. Crowd-source for the perfect caption and don’t let the conversation veer until you get it.
10. Make an ordeal out of ordering
Take forever to decide what you want, only to change it after someone at your table orders the same thing (yeah, be one of those).
When it’s finally your time to shine, really relish that moment in the spotlight by complicating your order to the point where it’s a completely different dish and inevitable that it will come out wrong.
This gives you another opportunity to be the most hated. Look at you! You’re really getting the hang of this!
11. Act like a total food snob
Are those greens locally sourced from an artisanal farm upstate? Otherwise, you’re not eating them. Is that freshly ground pepper or did it come straight from a can?
Repeat after me: “My eggs are undercooked, and my toast is definitely not crunchy enough.” These bagels taste like someone made a rock formation from your latest alcohol sh*t. Ooh, that's good.
12. Creep on other people’s food
No one likes a creep, which is exactly why you need to assume the role.
Forget using utensils, God gave you hands! Your fingers will get the job done just as well as a fork can. Go get your hands dirty.
No, seriously, get them dirty, and then dig into your friend’s plate. She wanted a side of earthy veggies, right?
13. Bring your baby or your one-night stand
They produce the same effect: requires a lot of attention, annoyingly out-of-place and makes everyone uncomfortable by wanting to suck on your tit at an inappropriate time.