Every summer, fans collectively spend millions of dollars to camp out and listen to their favorite musicians at various venues in what has now become known as “Festival Season.”
As with any major event, there are unspoken rules for attending. The thing about rules though -- especially when combined with drugs -- is they aren’t meant to be followed. They are more "guidelines" for behavior.
We decided to make our own guideline ourselves, after many years of festival experience, to help our readers reach their full potential out on the fields.
Because it’s not enough to just be the most fun or naked or unsafe person at the festival. You have to be the most hated to really get anything out of it.
It’s time to continue the tradition by completely misunderstanding it. Here’s your guide to being the most hated person at a music festival.
1. Wear a sh*t-ton of neon
It’s important you establish yourself as the most hated person right off the bat, or else thousands of other poseurs will try and take the spot from you (much like in the line for water).
In order to let everyone know this is your first time at a festival and you’re going to be annoying about it, you should wear as much neon as possible.
In fact, you should insist (while wearing said neon) it’s making your roll sooooo much better. Like Cher from “Clueless” once said, “Anything you can do to draw attention... is a good thing.”
2. Get on someone’s shoulders and wave a giant flag so no one can see past you
Want to really get the crowd fired up? Try obstructing the general public's view with as many ridiculous props as you can find (think: the blanket you’re sitting on, your glow stick hands, culturally insensitive headdresses).
People won’t want to be behind you, which means you’ll have extra dancing space to squat and piss when you need to.
Peeing in inconvenient spots is key to being the most hated person at the festival.
3. Ask everyone you come in contact with, “Have you seen my friend, Molly?”
It’s not enough to just bombard people asking if they need drugs or have any on them.
You have to use the most aggressively uncool terminology possible in order to really let the crowd know you suck.
Try saying, “Can you be on my level?” or “Are you loving life?” or the very obvious, “Are you in the sky right now?” Bonus points if it’s done loudly in front of the security team.
4. Violently dance into other people’s personal space
Make "Party Boy" your dance move of choice. Fling your arms around without care. Step on the feet of any people wearing open-toe shoes.
Jump up and down during an entire set so your neighbors are visibly upset.
Hit someone “accidentally” with a dirty limb or bandana. And then really top it off by pretending you have no idea what you’re doing.
5. Cry about losing your friends or your phone or both
Run up to random strangers asking if they’ve seen your friends, insist on using their cell phones and make them accompany you to the Porta Potties. You’ll be sure to make new friends that way.
Sob about your lost phone for the duration of the festival, especially when someone super famous comes on and you can’t take a 120-second long Snapchat.
Constantly request that your friends either A. upload or B. send you every picture they take right at the moment it happens. Everyone will have no choice but to hate you.
6. Wear any combination of the following: headcrown, floral crop top, high-waisted short, crochet bra, fringe, sunglasses or fedora
And, this is crucial here, make sure to criticize the people who aren’t wearing them. If, for some tragic, Forever-21-was-closed reason, you are missing these items, feel free to grab them off people in the crowd.
Get people to really hate you by taking as many obvious outfit shots as possible while insisting you’re not trying.
7. Spend the entire time graphically making out
The only way you’re going to really suck is by sucking major face. Don’t come up for air unless it’s to scream, “I LOVE THIS SONG!” Make sure you make it about yourself and not whoever is on stage.
Raise the hate-bar even higher by inviting him back to your group’s house without asking any of them if it’s OK. Continue making out. Don’t you dare move your hands from his face or risk social suicide.
8. Don’t shower the whole weekend
Prove to the world you’re only there for the music by neglecting to maintain proper hygiene the entire time.
Keep your arms raised while dancing (is there any other way?) and show your appreciation for the other festival-goers by letting them rub up on you.
9. Take videos of every performance, preferably on an iPad
Ruin every big moment by filming it. To fully ensure people hate you after, make sure it’s done poorly and ask to re-do it.
Remember to post all the really incriminating shots of your friends on their parents’ Facebooks, mid-festival, so they have to hear about it for the remainder of the weekend.
When party-goers complain about you filming on an iPad, let them know the truth: iPhones are for poor people.
10. Wear light-up bracelets, hold glow-sticks and get your hands in people’s faces
Pretend like you don’t hear them because the music is too loud when they ask you to stop.
For this one, you might have to wear an additional face mask in case anyone jacked on drugs tries to punch you. This is a sign of haterade victory.
11. Scream, “I LOVE THIS SONG, YEAH!” for every song
Play a fun game with yourself by seeing for how long you can scream “Yeah” in one breath.
For the real hate-professionals, make things more interesting by attempting to crowd surf while loudly professing how much you love the band on stage.
12. Brag about how past years were so much better
Why are you even here then, bro? Because you never actually went to them.
13. Throw up in front of the cops
Hopefully, they’ll be disgusted and shut the whole thing down. Hey, if you want to be the most hated person at the festival, you’re going to have to dream big and aim high.
14. Talk about the cost of everything
Brag about how you not only bought your ticket for really cheap, but how you also sold additional tickets and ended up making money, so this $1,000 weekend is actually free for you. Congratulations, everyone hates you!
15. Post daily Instagrams and hourly Snapchat story updates
How else are you going to communicate to the losers back home that you are the most hated person at the festival?
16. Take acid for the first time and/or dabble in bath salts
(You know we’re joking about all of this, right?)
17. Only talk about the obscure indie bands like it makes you really, really special
Act like knowing just the first name of one indie guitarist is the equivalent of meeting Drake backstage.
People will respect you even less if you can’t name one song they sing, so be sure to brag as much as possible about indie artists you have no clue about.
18. Complain about your tan lines when you’re back
You’ll not only be the most hated person at the festival, you’ll also be the most hated person coming back from the festival. People who didn’t even attend will hate you! Success!
19. Become more high-maintenance
Some suggestions: ask where the hotel went; spray your water bottle on everyone and then throw it on the ground so someone else slips. Don’t help set up the tent.
Spend an insane amount of time in the farthest bathroom (while complaining about how unsanitary it is).
Trick everyone into skipping the pool party because you’re getting a “Plur” tattoo and need a minimum of five people to Instagram it.
20. Bring your kids
There’s a ferris wheel. Who said this wasn’t a family affair?