I Don't Want To Be A 'Lady,' I Just Want To Be Real As F*ck

by Gigi Engle

“Oh, Gigi, don’t use that kind of language!,” my mother would say as I dropped three or four F-bombs in a single train of thought.

I can hear her voice in the back of my head, telling me to “clean up my mouth” and “be a lady.”

It just sounds so very, very boring.

People have been commenting on my behavior for as long as I can remember. I’m constantly told my sense of humor is “crass” or my language is “vulgar.”

Don’t even get me started on how many times I’ve been called “unladylike.”

Why do people feel the need to comment on the way I choose to conduct myself? In fact, why do people feel the need to comment on the way women choose to conduct themselves in general?

We live in a world where we’re supposed to be driven by feminism and soldiering for women’s rights and yet we can still be told we aren’t being “ladies.”

I’m sorry, excuse me? I’m not a lady. I’m a human being. I’m a person who tells raunchy jokes, eats steak on first dates and burps regardless of the company.

I’m not a female who is ever going to fit into this ridiculous, feminine mold that rears its ugly head from the Dark Ages.

If I don’t act a certain way, what? I won’t find a husband? LOL. I’d rather be single than a faker.

I’m proud of who I am. I’m who I want to be and I don’t give a rat’s ass if this is at odds with what society expects of me. FU, society.

I don't want to be a lady, I just want to be real as f*ck.

I want to say “f*ck,” not just “forget about it.”

I’m so f*cking sick of being told not to say "f*ck." I don’t want to be judged for using curse words. I hate to see people visibly cringe whenever I dare to utter the word "f*ck." God forbid I drop a hard C. I’m sick of apologizing for the way I speak.

Just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean I can’t tell you to f*ck off if I want to.

I want to be able to manspread too.

If you men and your man bodies need so much extra space you feel the need to manspread at the inconvenience of those around you, I want to have that luxury too. Your balls really don’t need that much breathing room, sorry.

If guys think they have the right to essentially take up two seats on the subway, you can bet your ass I will be using my skills from ballet and sitting in second position with zero shame.

I want to brag and not feel the need to be humble about it.

Kim Kardashian was torn apart for cutting baby North out of her Instagram photo. Her response: the baby’s eyes were closed and she was feeling her look. CAN SHE LIVE?

No more self-deprecating. I want to put an end to it. Why do we even need to say, “Can I live?” I want to feel good about the way I look and the things I accomplish.

I want to tell people about my achievements, shamelessly. I want to feel myself without having to feel badly about it.

Can I live? Hell no. I CAN live.

I want to be a boss without being a bitch.

I’m a very straightforward woman. I own my sh*t and I don’t want to be labeled a bitch just because I’m a boss. It’s the easiest way to put down a strong woman -- to just label her a “bitch” and be finished with it.

It would be a lot easier if I were allowed to just be the Alpha female I am without being tarnished by labels that come from your personal intimidation. Get over yourself.

I don’t want to be ashamed to poop at my boyfriend’s apartment.

“Women don’t poop or fart.” – Something a man has literally said to me.

Even though he was clearly joking, the implications are monstrous. Women aren’t supposed to do such “dirty” things as poop, fart or burp.

We’re not supposed to have normal bodily functions, apparently. Women are feminine and girly, fluffy and pink and unicorns and… f*ck off.

If I have to poop, I am going to poop.

I want to dress for myself, not for you.

As legendary fashion designer, Betsey Johnson, once said:

Girls do not dress for boys. They dress for themselves and, of course, each other. If girls dressed for boys they’d just walk around naked at all times.

I’m not dressing to impress a man. I’m not showing cleavage or not showing cleavage for the pleasure or approval of the male population.

I dress for myself and for my fellow fashionistas. I’m not trying to be sexy or attractive to find myself a boyfriend, I’m dressing to be comfortable, chic and fabulous. I’m #flawless.

I want to hang out and not be called “one of the guys.”

When you’re a girl and you hang out with guys, it’s easy to have them think you’re now a “cool girl” who is down with their guy-dom.

Just because you hang out with guys doesn’t mean you’re “one of the guys” or you’re trying to be into guy stuff just to impress them.

I have no interest in being put into a group just so I can be more relatable. I’m an equal, not a label.

I want to f*ck without feeling like a slut.

I don’t want to feel vulnerable just because I want sex. Just because I’m DTF doesn’t mean I’m a whore; it means I have a healthy sex drive. I don’t give a sh*t if a guy thinks I’m easy because I put out on a first date.

Who wants to spend time with a guy like that anyway? If you’re not going to call me again, at least I got laid.

I want to order whatever I want without feeling bad about it.

I don’t want to feel ashamed about my eating habits. If I want a burger, I am going to eat a burger. I don’t want to feel badly about it or that I’m somehow "cool" for eating those dreaded carbs.

I also want to be able to order that kale salad without you thinking I’m watching my weight. Let me eat what I want because I want to eat what I want. It is none of your business.

I want to say, "I don’t want a boyfriend" without being called sad or a liar.

Being single for men and women is a huge double standard. If a man wants to be single, he’s a bachelor, but if a woman wants to be single, she’s a spinster.

I 100 percent am not f*cking with you when I say I love being single. There’s no drama, no bullsh*t and I can f*ck whomever I want.

I’m not lying to make myself feel better or just saying I prefer to be single so my parents will stop asking me when I plan to settle down.

If I could, I’d just marry my damn self.

No shame in my game.


For More Of Her Ridiculously Outrageous Thoughts And Opinions, Follow Gigi On Facebook, Twitter And Instagram.