How many times do I roll my eyes at my mother in a given day? The limit does not exist.
Although I am turning into my mom more and more every day, I cringe when she tries to zoom into my Instagram pictures.
I die when she uses “#blessed” on a Facebook post.
I also die when she tells me she is pretty sure that "doggy style" is the slang term for “up the butt” sex.
But then I think about my future child, and how doomed he or she is.
I mean, I am living in an era where you can become a dog just by swiping your finger on Snapchat. You can get butt injections to look just like Kimmy K. I'm a Millennial! WE'RE DOOMED, I TELL YOU!
But you know what? Lemme tell you: It is not going to be OK when my daughter gets called a basic bitch in the playground. Oh, hell naw.
Here is what my future daughter or son has to look forward to when I say “back in my day…”
My kid is going to be so #annoyed when I bring up this phenomenon.
I mean honestly, it went from being the pound sign to a social media frenzy. If my child tells me to dial a “hashtag” in my phone, I might pass out.
2. Snapchat filters.
“Hey mom, why do you have butterflies in your hair in this picture?”
“Because that was the filter that changed my life, that's why.”
From dog filters to flower crowns and beyond, not a damn kid is going to understand why you went from a hard six to a 10 when you were twenty-five.
If my child asks to sign up for the soccer team when they are five years old, I might cringe a little bit.
Let's be real. Unless you're Alex Morgan status, this is not going to take you very far in life. But so help me God, if Crossfit is brought up in my household, it will only be to discuss how annoying and disgraceful my child will be if he or she participates.
4. Crop tops.
“They are just like normal shirts, but miniature-sized and I never wore them because I loved queso too much.”
5. Selfie sticks.
Who knows what these will be a few years from now? I don't even care. I love selfie sticks.
But how will we explain that the normal selfie angle is just not good enough if you want more than ten likes?
Which leads me to…
6. Social Media "Likes."
“Honey, that kid might say he doesn't like you, but your picture on Instagram from last week says otherwise.”
7. The Dab, Wobble and Twerk.
My mom often volunteered for school dances when I was in middle school. She'd stand on the side of the gym like a good mom and only occasionally wave and bust a move here or there. What am I supposed to do when a rap song comes on?
My kid: Oh, there's my mom over there.
Friend: Did she just twerk at the snack table?
8. The Kardashians.
In five, 10 or however many years it takes to convince me that a kid is a good idea, I am not sure where the Kardashian clan will be, but I can guarantee we'll still be talking about them.
Who knows, North West could go rogue and become a doctor. Or Mason could come out with a shoe line to coincide with Rob's sock line.
9. Basic Bitches.
I can see it now.
I'm walking my kid to school and see another mom across the sidewalk with her pumpkin spice latte, oversized sunglasses and leggings for pants.
I'll murmur under my breath, “so basic,” and my daughter will order me to stop or she'll #die.
10. Tinder and Bumble.
I can't wait for the day my future kid asks her friend how their parents met and they reply with “Tinder.”
I CAN'T WAIT!
There are going to be occasions that my kid wants me to spend Sunday morning watching cartoons and making pancakes.
And on some of those occasions, Mommy is going to have to say, “Daddy will,” and go frolic off to brunch with the other moms and get a lil' tipsy.
Part of me wishes these will disappear forever because they can be so annoying.
But then I think, that will be the exact reason they should stay around forever.
I already have some in an album. Saved. For the day my kid asks if I can just be cool and not interrupt girl's night: