If you haven't noticed yet, I've been doing my best to help you boys (the nice ones anyway) understand what women want and how to keep them around. And I've witnessed a lot of dumb lemon-head behavior in my day, so you could use a little help. By now, you should know how to attract a lady and how to give her the right amount of attention without scaring her off.
Explaining the female mindset from a broad point of view is great and all, but sometimes you still don't know what to do with that information. Like, what are you actually supposed to say to a girl, without her taking it the wrong way?
Every guy has had the experience of attempting to harmlessly compliment an attractive woman by saying, “You look really nice today.” You hope that she'll thank you and see you for the charming gentleman you are.
But no, she gives you a dirty look and replies, “What, I don't look good every day?” before storming off.
Awesome. Great. Super.
Women are impossibly picky with how they want to be complimented. Say something too forward and you're a sex offender; say something overly platonic, and she doesn't get the hint. It seems like you can't win, but you actually can. I promise.
Men have egos, obviously -- our patriarchal social system is basically a product of the male ego. However, something rarely stressed is that women have egos too. BIG ones. Monstrous, buff, protein-drink-chugging egos that will smash a chair over your back.
More often than not, the blame for our melodramatic outbursts is misplaced and credited to all women being “overemotional,” “neurotic," or -- my personal favorite -- “crazy”. In reality, we're usually pissed off because of a blow to our ego that triggered our defense systems.
I mean, really think about it, and think about it in the context of dating.
Why are women competitive with other women? Because our egos (and thousands of years of evolution) fuel us to be the most dynamic, attractive and capable female in the room. Why do we feel the need to control our boyfriends' extracurricular lives outside of the relationship? Because our egos make us afraid of being walked all over like a doormat. Why do we waste our time on men who ignore us? Because our egos persuade us to conquer them.
Mess with a woman's ego, and there will be hell to pay. Screaming matches, subtweets, breaking into your phone -- the torture will not end until we say it ends. You are more likely to see God himself than to win an argument with a defensive woman.
Fortunately for the beaus and hubbies of the world, you can easily prevent this drama with just a few words.
Compliments, my friends. Compliments are the solution to making your girl feel confident, secure, and most importantly, to keep her from yelling at you.
I figured it would be most helpful to confer with other women, and find out which sweet nothings make them feel all warm and fuzzy toward men. The common consensus was that women value compliments on their personality and mannerisms over their physicality, and that occasional compliments are more effective sedatives than expensive presents.
Time and time again, women warmly recalled moments where their men said these words, or at least a similar variation of them.
You're about to have a leg up on all of the catcallers, virgins, and bitter single guys out there, and know exactly how to make a girl blush and write songs about you. These are the five compliments your girl really wants to hear.
1. “The way you *insert specific mannerism here* is really adorable.”
If you're nervous about seeming too forward, affectionately showing adoration for an involuntary quirk is a precious way to show that you're paying attention to her. We rarely forget things like this, and will appreciate something sweet and subtle more than “Baby, yo ass is like a planet.”
One sweet compliment I will never forget: “The way you scrunch your nose when you laugh is so cute.” Ugh, talk about melting my damn heart.
2. “Can I get your opinion on something? You always have such a great perspective.”
Intelligent conversations feel like dry-humping with your brain.
Letting her know that not only do you think she's smart, but that you also respect her point of view will develop your intellectual chemistry. She'll see you as more than the guy that buys her food. She'll finally recognize you as a guy with partner-in-crime potential.
3. “I feel so comfortable with you, like I can really be myself.”
Vulnerability wins you points on points on points. Semi-reluctant vulnerability is even more endearing, and makes a girl feel like she's your weakness.
This applies to both relationships and strong friendships: Admitting that you can be open makes the other person willing to reciprocate and feel safer engaging with you.
4. “You taste amazing.”
Say this when you're… you know… doing that thing… down there. You're not saying pussy in general tastes amazing, you're saying HER pussy tastes amazing.
I don't know how self-conscious guys are about their eggplants (I'm assuming not very, considering the amount of dick pics I receive in a calendar year), but most girls are self-conscious about their vaginas. We have virtually no realistic barometer for how one should look, taste or smell, so a little verbal encouragement helps.
If you sense shyness or insecurity during sex, tell her how good she tastes and how incredible she feels. She'll be busting it wide open in no time.
5. “Every guy in this room has been staring at you.”
This one is my absolute FAAAAVE.
Women want to be desired, and we also enjoy being desired by men outside of our relationship. It doesn't even have anything to do with wanting to f*ck other guys, outside sources of desire plus your jealousy equal us feeling prettier and more like Beyoncé. It's true.
While you're out on a date night, at a work event, or at a birthday party (not when you're walking by, like, a line of leering construction workers), pull her close and whisper in her ear that every guy keeps checking her out. If you really want to make her entire day, follow up with a protective squeeze around her waist or a territorial kiss. You're showing that not only is she sexy, but that you want her all to yourself.
My ex once told me he started working out regularly at the start of our relationship because he just knew he would have to fight a guy off one day. He was obviously lying out of his ass, but I LOVED how he pretended I was worth risking getting punched in the head.
These lines are best spent on a girl that you are comfortable and familiar with. You have to have at least some level of friendship for these compliments to be sincere, because it is important to make them unique to her.
If you're skeptical of building your boo up too much, knock it off. The alternative is to never verbalize the nice things you think about her, so that she can remain either insecure about your feelings for her, or get that validation from someone else.
No matter how confident a girl is on her own, we appreciate being appreciated -- especially by the guys we want a relationship with.
(But seriously, even if you ignore everything else I say, tell her she tastes good. She'll totally bang you again.)