Dudes, Here's How To Make A Tinder Profile That'll Actually Get You Laid

I have so many wonderful male friends. They're kind, good-looking, intelligent, funny and some of the most genuine people I know. So, so genuine!

They're there for me when I need to be told to stop stressing out over a stupid guy, when I just need to know if I look good tonight or when I need someone to binge drink with. They are my pillars of strength, my rocks and the rational, grounded side of me that I so desperately need sometimes.

But they don't know how the HELL to make a good Tinder profile.

Whether they want to use Tinder to find a one night stand or a girlfriend, they have no idea how to present themselves in the best, most appealing way possible.

My funniest friend doesn't even TOUCH on his sense of humor in his description, and my smartest friend does not let his wit fly at all. Their descriptions do not say a single thing about who they are. Or, even worse, they just have no description at all.

Either that, or they have one that's limited to, like, a boring, nondescript word.

And not only do their descriptions not accurately reflect their vivacious personalities, but their profile pictures look NOTHING like them. The photos they choose accentuate receding hairlines and squinty eyes that they don't even have.

It pains me to look at them. How can such smart, awesome people have such little self-awareness?

I've been actively using Tinder for a few months now. I also have lots of female friends who use Tinder. And we are quite vocal with each other about admiring profiles we like and shitting on profiles we think are terrible.

All of this means I like to think I've got a pretty good handle on what the average 20-something woman might look for when she's swiping.

I want to help both my guy friends and, indirectly, you, make great Tinder profiles. So hear me out. And then when you're done reading this, feel free to delete it from your browser history so nobody knows a thing.

1. Know how women use Tinder.

According to a report by the New York Times, men swipe right on Tinder 46 percent of the time and women only swipe right 14 percent of the time. That means there are a whole lot more of you wanting to fuck US than there are of us wanting to fuck YOU.

But why? Well, I feel like when guys are on Tinder, they operate on a simple binary scale of 1 or 0. Would fuck, would not fuck. And then they swipe accordingly. It's very simple for you guys. Hence your large percentage of right swipes.

Women are a little more complicated than that. Whether we want to have meaningless sex with you or try for something sort of real, we take into account more than just how hot you are when deciding if we want to swipe right. This means we're looking at your pictures, your description and how both of those things align to tell us something about who you are.

I realize Tinder isn't OKCupid or Match, but that doesn't stop women from succumbing to their natural tendency to create complexity out of every single little thing.

Do you know how many objectively hot men I've swiped left on because something in their description gave me a feeling they were an asshole, or because one of their pictures planted images in my head of them playing FIFA in their boxers while leftover pizza rotted in their fridge? The answer is a lot.

The bottom line here is you need to consider both your pictures and your description when making the best profile. If only one is awesome at the expense of the other, that 14 percent is just going to get lower. Nobody wants that.

2. Your first picture needs to be A. of only you, and B. OF YOUR FACE.

Flash on. Full-frontal. Can't lose. None of those far-off-into-the-distance pictures in which you're standing on a mountain, sitting on a bench a subway station and not even looking at the camera, or at a wedding with four other groomsmen.

Let me SEE YOUR FACE. And make sure there are no other faces in the picture.

This early in the swiping game, you (and me) are disposable. Neither of us are under any obligation to click on each other's profiles to learn more about each other. So you have to make me want to click your profile. And the only thing that will make me want to click your profile is by giving me the chance to have an immediate reaction to your face. And the only way that can happen is if I can see your face.

If I don't have that full, clear picture of your face right away, I'm going to swipe left. Period.

3. Include a bio that isn't too long.

One word is too short, and a paragraph is too much. Again, this isn't OKCupid or Match, so you don't need to write a whole thing. Just give us something to work with here that isn't a single emoji.

If you have no clue where to start, try to make us laugh somehow, whether it's with a quote, a joke, a self-deprecating comment or a reference to pop culture.

One guy I matched with recently had "Just a Jim Halpert looking for my Dwight Schrute" written in his profile, and I thought it was hilarious because of how unexpected it was.

If you're not the funny guy at all (see tip #14), maybe include where you're from, a cool place you've traveled and something you do for fun.

4. Have more than one picture.

Sounds simple, but really, one picture is just suspicious. It makes us think you're fake.

5. Make sure you look the same in all your pictures.

Once, I matched with this one guy on Tinder whose pictures all looked vastly different, but I agreed to meet with him anyway. Despite looking different in all of his pictures, I was into each of them (albeit to varying degrees), and I figured if he looked like some blend of all of them, we'd be OK.

Well, when we met in real life, he only resembled ONE picture. Luckily for him, it was the one I was the most attracted to, so I didn't text a friend to have her call me because of an "emergency" that was "forcing me" to leave ("So sorry!").

But what if he only resembled the picture I was the least attracted to? I won't lie, I would have felt disappointed, and I'm not sure if I would have stuck around.

This step is vital. By ensuring all of your pictures look the same, you avoid the possibility of some girl only feeling attracted to one version of your face and then bailing when that version is not what you look like in person.

6. Make sure your pictures emphasize your best features.

Later in my relationship with that guy from tip #5, he told me that he felt like one of his Tinder photos in particular was "really hot." This was, of course, the photo I was the least attracted to.

I told him this, and he seemed offended, like I'd just told him he wasn't hot at all.

But the thing is, he WAS hot! He was super, super hot. He just doesn't look like his version of hot. His version of hot unnecessarily emphasized his forehead and didn't do a thing for his amazing smile. In other words, it wasn't hot.

Do you see what I mean? You need to make sure a picture you think is good is actually a good picture. This sounds simple, but based on this experience with my ex and the horrifically misleading pictures that my male friends select for their Tinder profiles, it's becoming more and more apparent to me that this is difficult for you guys.

Women are constantly aware of what they look like. We walk around thinking about our appearance at literally all hours of the day. It's just our reality. We're super conscious of our good and bad features, so we know immediately when a picture emphasizes a quality we're happy to show off or a quality we'd rather downplay.

You, on the other hand, are probably less sure if a picture you're using is actually drawing unnecessary attention to your oversized nose or hiding a great pair of eyes that you should be showing off.

If you need help figuring this out, don't be afraid to ask someone. Preferably a female friend.

7. If you're tall, include your height in your description. If you're short, be real about it by including a full-body picture.

Girls can be weird about height. It's one of those left over archaic things we still care about.

When we're swiping through your pictures, we're trying to figure out how tall you are. Like, we are using markers from things and people around you in your photos to literally size you up.

So don't try to hide your height. The last thing you want is happen is to meet up with a girl who's taller than you and doesn't want to fuck you because of it. You can avoid that by just being honest from the get go.

If you're on the shorter side and you feel insecure about posting a full-body picture, don't. The average height for an adult American woman is 5'4". Swedish girls have the tallest average, at 5'7". Statistically, any woman you meet will be shorter than you. You're fine.

8. By the way, when I say "full-body picture," I don't mean a naked mirror picture of your abs.

Seriously, you guys. Do not do this. DO NOT. Unless you want to repulse every single woman who stumbles upon your profile.

There are more subtle ways to show off your body. A picture in which your T-shirt is fitted or the sleeves of your button-down are rolled up is effective. Even a picture of you playing goddamn frisbee in your bathing suit at the beach is more subtle, despite the fact that you are very clearly shirtless.

This isn't 2007, nor is it MySpace. No mirror pictures.

9. Don't use pictures of you wearing sunglasses.

For the love of God and all that is Holy, take the sunglasses off.

Why do you guys do this? All I think when I see a guy in sunglasses is that he's trying to hide some really unappealing facial feature. I'm sure that's not the case, but I don't know you yet, so how am I supposed to know?

Like I said in tip #2, let me SEE YOUR FACE.

10. Don't use pictures of you with girls.

These don't make you look like a desirable player. They just make us confused and leave us wondering if that girl is an ex (huge no), just a friend, or your sister.

And if it's your sister, we'll start to wonder why you're close enough with her to include her in your Tinder profile. I'm not saying we're thinking incest...but we're thinking incest.

11. Put any group pictures at the end.

I get it. You've got friends, and you're not a nerd who doesn't go out with said friends, and you want girls to know that.

But if you're going to include group pictures, make sure group pictures go toward the end of your profile picture lineup. That way, by the time I get to them, I'll know exactly what you look like because I'll have seen lots of individual pictures of you, and I won't be guessing if you're the dude in the green shirt or the dude in the blue one.

This is Tinder. Not a fucking crossword puzzle. No girl wants to spend more than half a second trying to figure out where you are in a group picture.

12. Make sure your job and/or college is listed.

Listing both is ideal, since maybe we share the same alma mater, and that's a great conversation starter. But you should place more importance on listing your job.

If you only list your college, I'm going to think you're unemployed, and I'm going to start thinking about FIFA and rotting pizzas again.

With the exception of those of you who just graduated in the class of 2015 (who may be still looking for a job because you're a recent grad and that's OK!), unemployment is a massive turn-off. Even if we're just trying to fuck you.

13. Don't put your Instagram or Snapchat handle in your profile.

You need to really think about whether or not you want to do this. Some girls are going to be weirded out by it.

In my opinion, connecting your Instagram isn't that sketchy because it's a cool way to see more real pictures of you. It also shows you're being transparent about who you are.

But some girls might think that's revealing way too much too fast. And that's fair, too.

Snapchat is a whole different ball game. You don't use Snapchat to learn more about someone like you do with Instagram; you use Snapchat to directly send pictures to people.

And, well, that's some very personal shit.

I don't even know you. Why would I add you on Snapchat? Why would any girl add any stranger from Tinder on Snapchat? Until we meet you IRL, that is all you are: a stranger from Tinder.

Just think about it. You aren't required to put your Instagram or Snapchat handle in your profile, so maybe err on the side of caution and don't.

14. Don't try to fool us, because you can't.

Women can smell inauthenticity like you can smell your roommate's fart after he tried and failed to sneak one by you. Don't test us by pretending to be someone you're not.

I feel like guys think women want one type of dude: the hypermasculine, emotionally detached, athletic asshole. But not all of us want that. I promise! (OK, sure, some of us do. But not all.)

If you aren't the hypermasculine, emotionally detached, athletic asshole, don't be that in your profile. Like, if you're an artsy dude who played soccer literally once in his life, don't throw in the one grainy iPhone picture someone took of you playing defense just to prove how masculine you are. You're way better off putting in good pictures of you, in which we can actually SEE YOUR FACE, than you are putting in pictures of you engaging a multitude of random activities that don't say anything about you.

If you love the outdoors, be the outdoorsy guy in your profile. Include your love of the mountains in your description and a picture of yourself hiking. If you're the lax bro, be the lax bro in your profile. Write that you were a lacrosse player at some Jesuit College '12 and include a picture of you in the middle of a good play. If you're the quirky, artsy guy, be the quirky, artsy guy. Include a quote from your favorite comedian or a weird, random fact about yourself.

This step might involve some self-reflecting about who, exactly, you are, but you're a big boy. You can handle it. And it will help you get laid. I promise.