Dear Nice Guy and Fuckboy,
My name is Nicole,* and I'm 26 from Houston. I'm having relationship drama with this guy who I really connect with, but he's unsure whether or not he's ready to commit.
I've been seeing this guy J* on and off for a little over a year. We met at bar one night, and initially, things were great.
We vibed in a way that I haven't vibed with anyone before. We were constantly spending time together, and he even introduced me to his friends and some of his family.
For all intents and purposes, we were in a "situationship," AKA a relationship with no title. We had amazing chemistry, and were constantly joking and laughing all the time. I never felt anything like that before, and it scared the shit out of me, but I was all in.
After about four months of seeing each other, I finally brought up the "What are we?" talk, and as I'm sure you can already guess, things began to change.
He slowly started to remove himself from my life, and when I asked him why, he said, "I like you, I'm just not ready," which is understandable. He had just got out of a 10-year relationship (yikes).
So, we just fell off.
We would call or text every now and then and sometimes meet up at a bar or catch a Rockets game together, but it was always as friends.
Then, I got annoyed at all the unkept promises he made to me. Don't tell me you'll text me the next day and not do it. Don't tell me we'll meet up for drinks the following weekend and nothing happens.
Situations like that drive me nuts and I eventually called him out on his bullshit.
Every confrontation led to these really ugly arguments, and a few weeks later, he would text me like nothing ever happened.
I think we had gotten to a point where we both accepted our relationship for what it was: A rollercoaster of ups and downs, whether we're behaving as friends or something more. It was always very hot or cold.
I think we had gotten to a point where we both accepted our relationship for what it was: A rollercoaster of ups and downs, whether we're behaving as friends or something more.
But recently, our interactions include more flirting on both of our ends and more opening up, on his end. He doesn't like to talk about feelings, so that came as a shock to me.
He's started texting me things like, "Why are you still single?" and "I pray for a woman like you, I'm just not ready."
Naturally, being a woman who is basically head over heels for this guy, I almost had to change my panties when he said all of those things to me. However, I'm not sure what it means.
I would love to see where this relationship goes because I really do believe that we could have something really rare and special, but I'm unsure if he really wants that too.
So I'm wondering, is this something that I should hold onto and wait for him to decide he's ready or is he just feeding me little nuggets of bullshit to keep me around and feed his ego?
Also, should I even bother?
So I'm wondering, is this something that I should hold onto and wait for him to decide he's ready, or is he just feeding me little nuggets of bullshit to keep me around and feed his ego? Also, should I even bother?
Even if he came up to me today and said, " Let's do this, I want to see where we could go," I don't think I could trust him to not fuck with my head. I would almost constantly be in a state of paranoia because he rarely keeps his word.
Sincerely, A very confused and slightly heartbroken, Nicole
It sounds to me like you already know what you should do, but what you want to do doesn't match up with this logic.
In other words, you know when you said, “Is this something that I should hold onto and wait for him to decide he's ready,” you were aware of how pathetic that sounded.
This guy's got his talons sunk into you, and he's not loosening his grip. These “nuggets of bullshit” you mention are actually working despite your skepticism.
Here is my stance on your kind of situation, which is a very common one.
In writing this column, I've found that men do indeed take a longer time to fall for somebody. Things usually begin on a physical level, but as time goes on and he discovers more about you, he'll slowly recognize you as something more long-term as opposed to something he fucks on a bi-weekly basis.
This kind of transition can best be determined by making a good impression on his friends and taking you out on unique dates.
For instance, you don't want to be the 30th chick he's taken to Korean BBQ because then you'll just fall in line with the other insignificant women in his life.
But because no man follows the same formula — and nor does any woman, for that matter — it's impossible for me to tell you point-blank if he's a total asshole or he's telling the truth with regards to the damage from this decade-long relationship.
Because no man follows the same formula — and nor does any woman, for that matter — it's impossible for me to tell you point-blank if he's a total asshole or he's telling the truth with regards to the damage from this decade-long relationship.
As I'm sure you know, 10 years is a very long time to be with someone, especially when it results in a breakup. So now that he's finally single, there's a good chance he wants to play the field.
He thinks he has to make up for lost time. This collective masculinity tends to make dudes feel that the more women he bangs, the higher his image resides on the totem pole, so to speak.
The more women a guy bangs, the higher his image resides on the totem pole, so to speak.
That means connecting with you goes against his plan. But the connection has already happened, and now he's adamant that doesn't want to dive right into another relationship.
Yet it does seem like you could be breaking down his walls in that regard, as you've been introduced to the folks and friends after a very long relationship had ended. This is good news.
So here's what I want you to do: Analyze his investment in you. For instance, are you somebody he hangs out with when nothing else is going on? Or do you both make plans to go out a week in advance?
Here are some other ways you can determine his investment level:
1. He initiates the conversation most of the time and, otherwise, shows persistence in them (i.e. he doesn't ghost on you when you breach certain topics).
2. He speaks of you in future tense, like inviting you to an upcoming party, for instance.
3. You've been in heated arguments. They're nothing too heavy, but if a guy isn't feeling you, he won't waste energy fighting with you.
4. He goes out of his way to make you happy. Did he make you coffee in the morning? Does he agree to do things he doesn't like just because you want to? If yes, things are looking good.
5. He opens up. Guys don't do this with just anybody. If you know about this guy's passions, beliefs and goals, you've definitely got something more serious going on.
Guys don't [open up] with just anybody. If you know about this guy's passions, beliefs and goals, you've definitely got something more serious going on.
6. He treats you right. Does he open the door for you and makes sure you're being treated right? Because that's not the kind of thing a man considers with a temporary fling.
7. He's not selfish in bed. A guy doesn't usually care for a woman's needs, if she's just there for physical means. But when feelings develop, he'll want you to enjoy yourself just as much as he is.
Take a look at the above and determine for yourself if he's investing in you for a potential relationship. If his investment potential seems high, I can't blame you for wanting to stick around.
But if not, there's no reason to keep things going by prolonging your heartbreak.
I hope you find this helpful. Best of luck!
You know what doesn't get talked about much: Men who string women along in an attempt to delay the inevitable. Thanks for bringing up a situation that allows us to talk about it.
We tend to think of men who string women along as only doing it because they don't want to commit, have someone on the side or are just prone to general fuckbaggery.
But often, the men who string women along not only want to commit, they know they will. That's why they try to prolong the whole thing.
The men who string women along not only want to commit, they know they will. They try to prolong the whole thing.
They've already decided, or more accurately, they've already resigned themselves to the fact that they are done looking. That this is it, this woman will be their lives.
There are some men who know they're going to end up with the woman they're with and give immense amounts of shit to. When there is nothing left to decide and you've made up your mind, you tend to treat people worse because — in your head — there is no risk of losing them.
When there is nothing left to decide and you've made up your mind, you tend to treat people worse because — in your head — there is no risk of losing them.
Ever wonder why couples that have been together the longest are the ones who treat each other the worst? They all eventually float into this safety zone with the other where anything goes because the threat of consequence is gone. You've done all you can to that other person, and they still came back.
You've literally exhausted it out of one another. It's both horribly unhealthy and obnoxiously normal.
Think of it like this: You're a kid and it's the last week of summer vacation. You know school is right around the corner, and you can't stop it. You've behaved all summer because you didn't want to get grounded during break.
But now that break is over, you act out constantly. You go buckwild, blowing up mailboxes and ding-dong-ditching, knowing it'll all be forgiven. You know your parents won't ground you during school because you'll be so busy with extracurriculars and stuff, and they're more invested school than you are.
If he's blowing up in your face and then comes crawling back, taking you to sports games and doing all this normal couple-ish stuff, it probably means his pushback isn't him not wanting to commit.
It's probably more a natural rebellion to a decision he's already made, in fact, to commit.
It's gonna happen, but he doesn't think he's ready for it. And that's what's scaring the shit out of him.
It's gonna happen, but he doesn't think he's ready for it. And that's what's scaring the shit out of him.
You've seen the chaos that results when you're together. Can't really blame him, can you?
Call me crazy, but you might benefit, in the long run from being more sympathetic to his indecision. He just got out of a 10-year relationship, so his trepidation toward locking himself into the next woman is more than understandable.
And frankly, it was pretty insensitive of you to disregard that and force his hand when it didn't align perfectly with your personal timetable.
You're so “head-over-heels” for this guy. Maybe you should try being a bit more receptive to his point-of-view, instead of freaking out when he forgets to text back.
Now that would be something rare and special.
Unfaithfully yours, Treez