There's this feeling that washes over you when a date is going well. It's this sudden rush of invincibility, and for a minute, it tricks you into thinking you're in control of your own destiny.
Which is why it makes so little sense how, typically following this rush, is one of the most helpless feelings ever. (True freedom is so fleeting.)
The date is over. You did what you could. Now, you enter that ambiguous post-date period, and you're sitting there, mostly at the mercy of your phone.
You put in all that effort, all that work — and you didn't fuck up. It went well. And still, you have to spend the next week or two navigating the metaphorical minefield that is the digital post-date landscape.
Every text seems like a test, a make-or-break moment that could decide what happens next.
It's all very exhausting and confusing, especially if you're dating fuckboys. We like to say we're not, but we're always playing games.
Luckily, I'm here to help you deconstruct some of the types of texts guys like me send after first dates/first hangouts/first fucks – whatever you want to call them.
Don't know what his biting sarcasm means or why he's acting so ambivalent? I'm here to help.
The examples below are texts I've sent in various situations, what I meant by them and what they meant for myself and the woman in question going forward:
When I said it: that same night.
What it meant: You left me wanting more. I've been thinking about fucking you since the minute you walked up the stairs, and yes, I know it's been less than 24 hours since then. But you have to understand, I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I know this is exactly the reaction you're trying to elicit and I don't care. I'm man enough to fall into it knowingly. You win.
When I said it: next day, late afternoon.
What it meant: I'll be very generic when I'm not sure how the date went or when I know I did something wrong.
It's like, “Help me out here. I know we didn't exactly hit it off, but I know it wasn't so bad either. Or am I off base? Did you think I was boring? I couldn't tell. This text is specifically to gauge your interest.”
And a friend in finance put it to me this way: “It's like sales. Create the pipeline, follow up email/call/text, have your lower quality leads at the bottom and target top quality. Some leads will die; some will chill in your pipe; some will get qualified. This is the follow up. You send this text when you aren't sure what kind of lead she's going to be.”
When I said it: two days later.
What it meant: I'll be obnoxiously sarcastic after sleeping with someone on the first date. I want to be a little funny, lighten the conversation and show that sex isn't really a big deal. At the same time, I don't want her to think I expect sex all the time.
It means I'm interested in doing this again, but not interested in getting too serious too quickly. This is that tricky middle ground.
The chemistry wasn't bad, the date wasn't bad, but neither of those things were great, either. Everything was fine, and fine is no reason to cut ties all together. But I'm not all that excited about it either, so I didn't want to text you the next day and give you the wrong idea.
When I said it: next day, late afternoon.
What it meant: I'll try to appear very transparent after a formal date that didn't end in anything physical but wasn't a disaster, either. I can't really read this girl, so I assume she's a girl who doesn't like to take things too quickly. I'm going to be quipping but polite and not try to seem like I'm forcing anything.
These are the only girls I blatantly admit I had fun to — the sweet, somewhat conservative ones who I know need some validation and who I know I can be too much of an asshole for in my sleep. So I overcompensate, and it usually works... at least for another date.
When I said it: either late the next day or the day after.
What it meant: I like to toss this one out there after a silence I know she'll perceive as almost too long. Like, if the date goes really well, it may be half-expected of me to text her the next day. If I don't and wait until day two or even three (risky) instead, I'll throw something like this out there.
It's kind of cheap and sort of lame, but it low-key gives off the impression you're slightly cultured. Plus, it's way more interesting than starting a conversation with a random tidbit about your day, like how your boss is an asshole or how your lunch was literally amazing. Honestly, nobody gives two shits about your day. And your lunch was probably average.
When I said it: the next day (any time).
What it meant: This is a girl I slept with after the first date and had amazing chemistry with. No reason to fool around with texting games. Because it was so good, I already feel comfortable telling you exactly how I feel about you physically. Here's to hoping that confidence makes you want to get physical again.
When I said it: any time really — it's always true.
What it meant: Post-pizza sex was a great idea.
When I said it: a few days later, mid-conversation. (This is not a convo starter.)
What it meant: This means the date ended back at her place, where we fooled around but didn't finish the deal. I really could not give even one shit about your hairy, smell, spoiled pet, but I know mentioning it to you in a cute way is the easiest way to counteract these blue balls you gave me.