Do you feel like, with all the epic chaos swirling through the world, you've somehow lost your sexuality in the thick of the 2017 madness?
Do you feel bloated, teary-eyed, red-faced and fatigued? Are you exhausted and freezing to the death in the brutally cold weather?
You're not alone, baby girl. I feel like utter shit, too.
In fact, every female entity I know feels dowdy and sexless at the moment. We're all wrapped up in unflattering puff coats, with dark circles resting beneath our sad, broken eyes.
And you know what we're tired of? All the self-righteous articles telling us how we're supposed to FEEL. We're sick to death of being told we need to "love ourselves" to feel "truly sexy."
Maybe we don't feel like doing deep, soul-penetrating work on ourselves this weekend. Maybe it's Friday at 2:47 pm in the afternoon, I'm strapped to my desk slowly dying and I've got big plans tonight.
I don't have time to "cultivate a healthy relationship with my body." I just want someone to tell me what lipstick looks good on me.
I just want to feel superficially sexy because my brain feels like oatmeal, and I just want to feel hot — not necessarily happy.
Let go of the guilt of wanting to be wanted by the masses.
Let go of the guilt of wanting to throw something material on your body that's going to make you feel like the sexiest minx to ever grace the city streets.
Let go of the guilt of not wanting to work on your mental health, physical health or anything.
Your deeply superficial lesbian big sister is here, and she's weathered a lifetime of using shallow tactics to make herself feel better.
That's why I'm very passionate about this week's Weekend PSA: Don't be afraid of doing shallow things to feel hot.
And yes, I'll confess the right makeup isn't going to teach you how to love yourself for the rest of your life.
But, it will make you teach you how to feel hot as hell for a few hours, and we need to get through the next few hours, OK?
So here is my official list of how to feel superficially HOT this weekend:
1. Wear vampy, dark red lipstick.
Don't go too bright — that's too southern-belle cheery. Wear a fiercely slutty, deep, oxblood red. Personally, I love "Sin" by MAC.
2. Get a blood red mani, too.
Nothing is sexier than dark red nails and a dark red lip. You'll feel like an expensive hooker who makes a living off her sexual prowess.
3. Wear thigh-high boots.
They don't have to be heels, as long as they're leather (or vegan leather) and graze the tops of your thighs.
4. Wear fishnets.
Nothing is sexier than a woman rocking fishnets. Just sliding them over your bare legs will make you feel like a plush, Vegas showgirl.
5. Get some clip-in hair extensions.
I know this might sound weird to some people, but trust me, once you feel the sensation of long, stripper hair blowing down your back, you'll instantly feel hot.
In fact, you might even become a monster who can't live without them.
7. Buy yourself some designer fragrance.
"You smell expensive," a little baby fuckboy once slurred to me at a mid-town bar. I had just spritzed myself head to toe with a Tom Ford fragrance.
"Hmm," I thought to myself, "I do smell expensive because I am expensive. And when I'm expensive, I'm feeling SEXY!"
8. Drink champagne.
I don't know why, but champagne bubbles popping in your throat will just really give you an inflated ego.
And that's the goal: to inflate your ego so you're one happy, cocky bitch tonight, baby.
OK, so I just gave you some superficial pointers, honey — eight of them to be precise. And I promise you, if you actually do all eight, you'll feel sexier tonight.
You might hear the rational, responsible part of your brain start yapping to you, saying:
Hey, bitch. Don't waste your money on a manicure. You can hardly pay your rent. Why would you ever listen to Zara about anything anyway?
She's clearly a mixed-up dyke who doesn't know what the hell she's doing. Go home, self-loathe and get upset about the fact that you don't love your small boobs.
You should be ashamed of yourself thinking about shallow ways to make you HOT. And you call yourself a feminist? You're not a feminist, you're a victim of the system.
But I want you to close your eyes. Imagine yourself sitting at a depressing bar — somewhere horrible, like a sports bar — alone.
You're wearing sensible jeans and ballet flats, like a J. Crew Republican. Suddenly, you peer out the window, and you see ME, your lesbian big sister. I'm getting out of a huge, SUV taxi.
"Since when can she afford luxurious SUV taxis?" you bitterly think to yourself as I strut out of the car in sky-high, plastic, prostitute heels.
My nails are dark red. My lips are dark red. I have extensions for days. I'm wearing fishnets in the dead of the winter. I'm alone, but I don't look lonely.
I look like a bitch — a superficial bitch who is living her best life.
I pull a pink Chanel tote bag over my shoulder and smirk right at you. It's a very "The Devil Wears Prada" moment, just without Meryl Streep and glossy magazines.
Suddenly, you think, "Fuck it. The world has been rough lately, and I'm going to get down and dirty with my superficial self tonight."
And you head to the nail salon, get a gel mani and prance into the city streets feeling HOT AF, wonderfully vain and gorgeously irresponsible.
And remember, it doesn't make you a bad feminist to want to be hot. Feminism is about owning your feelings, baby.
Own your sexiness, and scare away all the idiots who try and shame women for their sexual prowess!