Orgasming is important. Not only does it make you feel good, but it also strengthens the bond you have with a partner. Although a satisfying sex life strengthens the mutual feelings you and your partner have for one another, what arouses you and brings you to sex during an orgasm is entirely based on an individual.
Figuring out what feels good takes time, and you should be patient with yourself. And believe it or not, there are ways to make orgasming easier, even though every time might not be perfect. If you don't believe me, ask noted psychotherapist Leslie Beth Wish, Ed.D., author of "Smart Relationships," and founder of www.lovevictory.com.
“Don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself by expecting each sexual encounter to be perfect,” says Dr. Wish. You might feel an obligation to fake an orgasm to preserve your partner's feelings, but don't, she explains. "Don't use an orgasm as proof whether your partner is good for you."
If anything, lack of orgasm is just proof that you both need to practice. And the good thing is, it's fun to find out what feels good along the way. Think about it as embarking on a new course of study — a course that's all about you.
1. Conduct Independent Research
It sounds nuts to me now, but before my first boyfriend, I actually didn't know how to masturbate. I don't know whether I spent 20 years under a rock, or if female masturbation simply wasn't talked about as much a decade ago as it is today.
For whatever reason, though, I didn't figure out how to obtain my own pleasure until the relationship was actually over. And yeah, that means the sex that entire time could have been way better. But of course, I didn't know that at the time.
Dr. Wish advises avoiding my mistakes by experimenting with touch to "see what kind of touch and in which places works for you." Also, try out vibrators!
2. Bring Your Findings To The Bedroom
Dr. Wish suggests playing "school" in the bedroom — but she doesn't mean strictly role play. "Take turns being teacher and pupil," she advises. "Show your partner what you like. Learn what your partner likes. Make it fun!"
I think the second part of her advice might be the most important thing here. You're not going to cum if you aren't enjoying yourself. Laughter helps make orgasming easier.
Purposely trying to reach orgasm is a little bit like trying to find your keys when you're heading to work. The more you look for them, the more they insist on hiding. If you're so focused on orgasming, then you're going to miss out on the journey that gets you there. Everything that feels good is an important piece of information that your body is transmitting. And it's pretty amazing and important when you can interpret what is happening for your partner.
If you aren't comfortable talking about yourself first, ask them what's going on with their body and whether what you are doing feels good. Being as invested in what your partner wants will probably make them all the more interested in what you want.
3. Speak Up
Communication is key to pretty much every aspect of a healthy love life, and that includes sex, as well. "Tell your partner nicely — not like a traffic cop — where to touch you, how fast or slow, softer or harder, and how to incorporate the vibrator," says Dr. Wish.
It can be a little intimidating to start articulating what you want in bed but I promise you, you won't sound silly. OK, you might sound silly. But that's totally fine! Sex is silly, too!
I've been self-conscious about my pleasure in the past, too. I've deflected people asking me what I want by responding with, "I don't know! What do you want?" as though their curiosity is some kind of trick question. Chances are, though, your partner would appreciate some guided direction. Articulating what you like — and then asking them what they want after they give you what you want — is both liberating and builds a closer experience between the two of you.
And hey, hearing yourself say it out loud might make orgasming easier for you, too.
Dr. Wish also recommends experimenting with different positions. If you think you might want something, but you aren't sure whether or not you'll like it, it never hurts to try.
4. Let Your Imagination Run Wild!
"There are no rules [to fantasizing]," says Dr. Wish. On your own, she suggests experimenting in different ways to figure out what arouses you. If you aren't sure what you want, there are tons of different kinds of porn and erotica out there to help you figure out some new ideas. Plus, you can always scroll through Instagram and Tumblr for some steamy visuals.
There are absolutely no limitations on your imagination. Once you have figured out what you want, it's time to bring it up with your partner.
Dr. Wish points out that if you haven't reached the point where you are comfortable communicating some of your kinkier scenarios to your partner, you can absolutely still imagine them when you are together. "Fantasize the fantasies that you learned work when you tried them out by yourself, including imagining the X-rated scenes that worked for you," says Dr. Wish.
Spend enough time imagining those scenes, and you'll probably want to eventually work up to playing them out with your partner.
While it might not seem like these suggestions address orgasm outright, enjoying sex is all about being comfortable in your own brain and your own skin. Once you start pursuing this course of study, you'll be more in tune with your body and your desires. That, more than anything, will make orgasming easier for you.
After all, pleasure starts with the brain!
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