The first time I ever had morning sex, I couldn't believe the insane orgasm I had.
It felt like walking out into a crisp, sunny day after being locked indoors for eight hours... only better. Because there were ~orgasms~.
In the morning, your body is rested, your limbs are languid, and you're not carrying any tense baggage from the day, so this meditative powerhouse of an O just explodes all over your body.
Don't they say everything is better when your body is in a relaxed state? Isn't that why yoga is all the rage?
Plus, your mind is tired in the morning, babes. Your brain hasn't been corrupted by the mild inconveniences plaguing our privileged, American lives — like the train running late, the irritating text from your roommate or your barista putting regular milk instead of ALMOND MILK in your latte.
You're still foggy, and when the brain is foggy (and not yet jacked up, caffeinated and hyper-analytical), the body can really let loose, honey!
But morning sex is a complicated thing, isn't it? There are many nuances to le morning sex.
There is always the debilitating fear you're going to get too lost in the glorious moment, have sex for hours and turn up to work late. Or, there's the anxiety that your breath smells. And the fact your eye makeup is smeared down your face from the night before.
So, yes, while morning sex is the best thing in the world — rich with the most unforgettable orgasms — it's also kind of the worst, which is why it's so wildly fascinating to me.
Here is the emotional roller coaster we ride during MORNING SEX:
1. That was a really sexy dream I had last night.
2. Wait, is that a warm body sleeping next to me? Did I blackout and go home with a rando? But I'm in a relationship! Did I cheat? Who am I, and where am I?
3. Oh, it's bae! HOLY SHIT, I forgot I slept at bae's house!
4. Wait... was that a sex dream I just had, or did we have sex in my sleep?
5. Do I need to lay off the Ambien? Did I just pull a Tiger Woods and have sex without remembering it at all?
6. Wait. I didn't TAKE Ambien last night...
7. It was just a sex dream. What a treat! What a gift from goddess herself!
8. But now, I'm super horny. Why am I so damn horny at 6 am?
9. Why does bae look so sexy while they sleep?
10. I'm just going to cuddle with them for a while, but only for 30 minutes. I have to get up for work in 30 minutes, and I can't be late AGAIN.
11. Oh, bae's body feels really nice and warm, doesn't it? I'm sort of cold. Let me get, uh, closer.
12. Oh, I never noticed how soft and supple bae's skin is.
13. Is that bae's hand on my boob?
14. Why does bae's hand on my boob feel so hot right now?
15. Aaaand bae is going for the nip.
16. Why do I feel like just a tiny little bit of nipple play is going to make me orgasm?
17. Oh God. Bae is suddenly on top of me.
18. And it feels amazing.
19. And we're having sex.
20. And I just got a whiff of bae's breath...
21. Holy shit, did something die in bae's mouth last night?
22. Maybe if I hold my breath, I'll survive the wrath of bae's breath.
23. Oh, but bae feels so good on top of me, like the clouds have broken open and angels are descending.
24. I'll just turn my head to the side, and maybe we can have spoon sex!
25. I'll just turn around right now. Bae will get it.
26. Oh, no, bae is saying the dreaded "I want to look at your face while we have sex."
27. This is serious dragon breath. I wonder if bae has been tested for halitosis?
28. HOLY SHIT, do I have dragon breath, too?!
29. Did I even BRUSH my teeth last night?
30. Did I take my makeup off? I don't think I did...
31. Bae is probably staring right at my face with mascara smeared all across it. Ugh, bae looks angelic, and I look like a Hollywood Boulevard street walker.
32. I'm UGLY.
33. Did I even shower before bed?
34. Did I even shower yesterday at all?
35. Oh, there's bae's breath, again! I will actually vomit if I get another whiff of that putrid smell.
36. I have an idea! We'll just do it doggy style. That way, we won't have to look at each other's faces or smell each other's breath during sex.
37. Plus, my ass has been looking really fine lately. All those barre classes paid off.
38. Also, bae never turns down doggy style.
39. I'm just going to take control of the situation and get on all fours. Bae will be totally into it.
40. Cool, bae seems into this! I'm a raging sex goddess who takes control in the bedroom. I'm gorgeous. I'm sex-positive. I'm living my best life.
41. Holy shit, the sun is streaming through the curtains, and it's probably shining right on my ass.
42. I don't think morning sunlight on my pale ass is very flattering.
43. This is starting to feel really, um, GOOD, again. Who cares about what my ass looks like?
44. OMG I just moaned super loudly, and bae's roommate is right next door!
45. Those walls are very thin. I think they're temporary walls?
46. I wonder how much temporary walls cost to install.
47. Will we ever be rich enough not to live in a flex studio apartment? It's so sad we're in our late 20s and still dealing with temporary walls and roommates.
48. Shit. I just saw the clock. It's 7 am. It's fucking 7 am. I have to be in a meeting in an hour.
49. Should I stop the sex? I mean, my career is the most important thing.
50. Work comes first.
51. Work comes first.
52. I'm really clever. I should be a writer. Wait, I need to get back on track.
53. Will I seem like a mega-bitch from hell if I stop sex because I need to be at work?
54. What am I going to do? I can't just say, "COME already, bae. I have to be at the office in an hour!"
55. Being responsible is NOT SEXY. I just want to be a sexy, dream woman. Why is that so hard?
56. But damn, I need my holiday bonus, and getting a holiday bonus is NOT something that happens to people who are late to their jobs, does it now?
57. OK maybe if I go in for the oral sex, bae will come, we can finish and I can get to work on time.
58. Women really can have it all, you know.
59. But shit, it's getting close. I need to be at this meeting.
60. God, when did I get so square?
61. I hate being a grownup! I just want to be a carefree kid again.
62. Speaking of kids, I'm definitely not ready for kids anytime soon. I hope bae knows that.
63. OK, so I'm going down on bae, and I think my plan is actually working. Bae seems really close.
64. I'm so good at giving oral, I might as well have a master's degree in oral sex! I would've been a great porn star.
65. Except I hate being on camera.
66. And I'm a square who chooses work over sex. I hate myself.
67. Oh, bae's coming.
68. And SHIT, the cum is getting in my hair.
69. It's going to take me an extra 30 minutes to wash my hair, now. I was hoping to recycle yesterday's $50 blowout!
70. There goes $50 down the drain. I'm so reckless with money.
71. Oh, and bae is going down on me now.
72. I don't have time for this.
73. But I don't want to bruise sweet bae's ego.
74. Oh, Jesus... I'm COMING now! And it's a full-body orgasm.
75. Why do I feel so alive, energized and ready to start the day?
76. Orgasms are more effective than coffee, huh?
77. HOLY SHIT, IT IS 7:30 am! I have to get ready, I have to get ready, I have to get ready, I have to get ready, I HAVE TO GET READY.
78. But it feels so good to lie in bae's arms.
79. Maybe I'll just rock the post-sex hair at work today.
80. After all, isn't post-sex hair super ~in~ right now?
81. I'm a trendsetter, bitches. I'll crush work today with my sex hair and sex glow. THIS is how you get ahead, babes. I finally get it.