I wish I could say that every single orgasm I've experienced has only been derived out of pure and utter ~lust~.
But sadly, orgasms dig deeper than being just TURNED ON. Orgasms can be bizarrely emotional.
I remember seeing a metalhead kid in high school make fun of an emo kid for wearing a "Dashboard Confessional" band T-shirt at some shitty party.
"You listen to Dashboard Confessional?" he wickedly asked, looking pretty hardcore in his obscure, black, distressed band T-shirt and long dreadlocks. I could smell the dreads from several feet away.
"Yeah," the emo kid said nervously, looking pretty vulnerable in his black, plastic-frame glasses.
"I bet you cry when you masturbate!" The vicious metalhead sneered to the sweet emo kid. The metalhead laughed, crushed a beer and than ran off to do drugs in the bedroom of the kid who threw the party.
I remember thinking about how I had once cried when I masturbated after my first heartbreak. But I shoved the sad thought down, took a shot of Jack Daniels and forgot about the whole concept of sad orgasms.
See, I've written about all the different kinds of orgasms I've experienced on the internet. I've even written about all the orgasms I've faked. I thought I had covered the many complex nuances of le orgasm.
Oh, how wrong I was, darling.
Just today, I was chatting with an old friend who was telling me all about her loveless relationship.
"Ugh, the worst part of a LOVELESS relationship is the lack of orgasms," I said, my brain swelling with terrible memories of a sexless, loveless relationship I endured long ago.
"Oh, I'm still cumming," my lovely, dear friend cooed through the static of our long-distance phone call.
"NO way!" I exclaimed, remembering the emo kid/metalhead kid incident.
"I'm still having orgasms, but they're wildly depressing. Each time I cum, it just rubs in my face how out of love we are."
I mulled this concept over for the first half of the work day. And the deeper into the day I got, the more memories of sad, out-of-love orgasms popped up in the darkness of my brain.
The depressing, breakup orgasms. The miserable orgasms you give yourself. The guilty orgasms that plague you for weeks after you envision someone else in your bed who isn't the person you're having sex with.
So, I broke them down. After all, I don't take orgasms lightly.
I believe in the unbelievable power of the orgasm, and to oversimplify an orgasm is disrespectful to human sexuality.
So, here are seven depressing orgasms you experience when you're in a loveless relationship:
1. The orgasm you have next to your sleeping partner.
It's 3 am, and you're in a sexless, loveless relationship. You haven't had sex with your partner in over one month. You can't sleep because you're tossing and turning, and you're just really tormented over your failing relationship.
So, you roll over and get down and dirty with your bad self, babe. It's a quiet orgasm, for you don't want to wake your sleeping partner. It's an orgasm on the sly. It's a low-key, DIY orgasm.
And it's super depressing because you're in a long-term, committed relationship, yet you're giving yourself quiet orgasms underneath the covers of your shared bed. AGH. I'm depressed even typing this shit OUT.
2. The orgasm you have when you're thinking about someone else.
You're no longer in love with bae, but damn it, you're not going to give up without a fight. So, you have sex. But loveless sex is boring. It's dry. It's depressing.
You close your eyes and think about that hot entity who works at Starbucks. The one who doesn't charge you for the extra ~cream~.
And next thing you know, you're having an orgasm, babe. A wild, wild orgasm that knocks the wind out of you.
And it's depressing because once the moment is over, you're snapped back into the painful reality that you're in a loveless relationship and you actually had to fantasize about someone else in order to cum.
3. The orgasm you give yourself and then cry about.
You get it on with yourself on a dismal Sunday afternoon, only to cry as soon as you finish because it just really drives home the point that your partner is no longer able to give you those kind of mind-blowing orgasms.
And this, this is going to be the future: Orgasms alone on a Sunday afternoon.
It's depressing because it's too real.
4. The "Holy shit, I don't love you anymore" orgasm.
Sometimes we have what I like to call "epiphany" orgasms. These are orgasms that are intense because you're coming to a dramatic realization as you're cumming.
The "Holy shit, I don't love you anymore" orgasm is usually the first step to the end of being in a loveless relationship.
And it's depressing as hell because you know once you cum and fall out of love at the same time, it's just a matter of time before it all ENDS.
5. The "I'm thinking about Pinterest" orgasm.
When you're having sex and you're totally out of love with your partner, you might get distracted and start thinking about something, well, a little bit more pleasant.
Like your Pinterest board, for example. All of those beautiful, buttery, leather jackets you've pinned on those long, lonely nights are suddenly turning you on. And BAM. You're having a hair-pulling, spine-tingling ORGASM.
And it's depressing as hell when you realize you just had a Pinterest orgasm. And when you're cumming over a Pinterest board, that's when you know shit is REALLY, REALLY rough.
6. The "Holy shit, why are you such an asshole, yet still so sexy" orgasm.
This is a very confusing orgasm. It usually happens during a bout of hate sex. It's when you're so angry at your partner for being such a vile douchebag, but damn, they're sexy, aren't they?
It leaves you turned on and madly irritated at the same time. It's wickedly hot and infuriating all at once.
And it's depressing because when the orgasm ends, you're only left with the hate. What is hate without lust? It's depressing, baby. Depressing as fuck.
7. The "This is the last time we're having sex" orgasm.
There is something so insatiably hot about having sex with someone for the last time. You don't hold back when it's the last time your bodies are going to be twisted beneath those sheets, even when you're out of love and can hardly stand to be around your partner.
It's like you can work through the whole heartbreak during the orgasm.
And it's depressing because, well, it's the last time.
And after such a good orgasm, you're left questioning whether you are maybe, possibly, still a little in love?