Don't Make Love, Make Hate: Have You Ever Hate-F*cked?

by Alexia LaFata

I first heard of the concept of hate-f*cking when I was about 18 after I'd recently lost my virginity.

I was just getting used to the idea of having sex with someone I actually like when a friend told me about this dramatic and yet highly effective way to display your hatred for someone.

He used to f*ck this girl he unaffectionately called a "gnome." Every time we talked about her, he would scoff and contort his face in repulsion.

I thought it was hilarious, but also troubling. How can you have sex with someone you dislike this much? Did this girl know how much he hated her?

I mean, I knew you didn't need to actually have feelings for people to want to f*ck them, but straight up disliking a person seemed to bring a whole new bout of unnecessary emotions to the experience.

Soon after, I watched an episode of "New Girl" where Schmidt has sex with a girl named Gretchen, who he says is a "terrible person."

Apparently he and Gretchen have had sex after every single wedding they see each other at, despite the fact that they hate each other.

Turns out hate-f*cking was, for all intents and purposes, a thing.

"Hate-f*cks can be good and bad," said Kaitlyn, 26, who says she's hate-f*cked a Brazilian man who was "incredibly narcissistic, wildly pretentious and had the biggest sh*t-eating grin a guy could manage."

"They can leave you incredibly dissatisfied. You can still have the hate inside of you because you may not have hate-f*cked the person enough," she said. "I just wanted to f*ck that grin off his face."

Besides literally f*cking your hate out of an individual, it's certainly possible to hate-f*ck someone you love. Love and hate are not opposites -- they both involve lots of passion, don't they? -- so hate-f*cking a loved one who just so happened to piss you off in that moment can actually help you deal with your frustrations.

"Hate-f*cking is when you have an incredible amount of feelings toward a human being, but they may not be loving," said Alexa*, 24, who hate-f*cks her current boyfriend when he says he doesn't agree with feminism and employs "clear examples of his ignorant white, middle class, male privilege."

"That person gets under your skin, and you f*ck the hate away," she said. "It's a way to relieve an aggression."

Kevin*, 25, said hate-f*cking was he and his ex-girlfriend's "favorite kind" of f*cking.

"Back in the day, when my girlfriend used to piss me off, we'd hate-f*ck directly after," he said. "You can like a person and still hate-f*ck her."

The appeal to him was that combination of anger and frustration, in both the mental and physical sense, that culminated into an overwhelming release of gushy love.

It was addictive and exciting. "Like the best possible rollercoaster you could get on," he added.

The physical act of hate-f*cking employs a more specific method than other kinds of f*cking. It's more selfish -- there's no foreplay because you don't really care to be tender or selfless.

And it's usually kinkier than normal sex -- choking, roughhousing and what have you are perfectly acceptable during a hate-f*ck.

Above all, your pleasure is what's most important. Whether or not the other person gets off doesn't really matter to you.

Despite the physical pleasure, hate-f*cking doesn't always end in relief, as Alexa and Kevin suggest.

A month after Chris, 22, was dumped by his girlfriend in high school, she wanted to hang out again -- and because Chris was a virgin at the time, he was eager to have sex, so he went with it.

Soon after opening up the floodgates of hate-f*cking, though, he ended things:

"It felt wrong (not the sex -- we got that down after a few tries -- but the emotional nonsense that would occupy my mind after)... Since then, I've never had a hate-f*ck again because jerking off accomplishes the same thing without the emotional distress/scumbag feeling."

"I find myself hate-f*cking whenever my life gets really romantically boring," said Sheena, 24. "Like, if there's NOTHING going on in my life, I feel like I need to spark some passion. That's when I turn to the ex."

Hate-f*cking an ex, whom you could both love and hate simultaneously, appears to be a common occurrence.

Generally, f*cking an ex probably isn't a good idea, especially if your ex did you wrong (though one study suggests that it's good for "closure").

If an ex is the only one showing us affection during a particularly vulnerable time in our lives, however, it's easy to forget how poorly he or she treated us in the past -- and to get caught in a cycle of hate-f*cking.

Take Adam*, 25, who described a time in college when he repeatedly hate-f*cked his high school ex-girlfriend who'd cheated on him.

He admitted that while he didn't like her as a person, he still enjoyed having sex with her, but not necessarily for the right reasons.

"I hated her for what she did to me, but she was also the only person who was showing me any affection, and that completely clouded my judgment." he said. "[I was] lonely and desperate enough to go back to her for sex."

Sometimes, hate-f*cking can even create feelings of love that weren't there before, as Brooke*, 22, experienced during her freshman year of college.

"I hate f*cked him for so long that I eventually loved him," she said of a guy she hate-f*cked who "bragged nonstop about how much money his dad had, he waxed his chest, and [how] he only drank aged scotch (minimum 20 years old)."

Ironically, Brooke saw this as her "healthiest relationship" ever. They were so open with each other, and there was no reason to pretend to be friends after they were finished -- they just went straight into hating each other, which she said was "really liberating and nice."

"I legitimately could not have cared less what he thought of me, so there was no need for games or playing it cool," she added.

Or Rachel*, 21, who described an experience in college hate-f*cking a guy who eventually started to like her.

She called him "the rudest person she's ever met" -- he always sat next to her in the library and would talk on the phone, crumble wrappers and just generally disrupt everyone around him.

But then, things got weird:

"One day, he found me on Facebook and messaged me: 'I literally hate you, and you're the rudest person I've ever met. If you ever want to let me know how much you hate me, here's my number.'

Naturally I texted him, and when we were both drunk that night, we met up. The entire time we were hooking up, we both kept saying 'I hate myself for doing this' and 'You are the worst person I've ever met.' But DANG, it was a great hookup.

We continued for about four months very casually, and we stopped when he told me he had feelings for me. I actually kind of liked him by this point, but he was graduating, so that was that."

Ultimately, your reasons for hate-f*cking somebody are just that: yours. Whether you hate-f*ck a stranger or your ex, just make sure the benefits outweigh the negatives.

If the passion you've created as a result of your hate-f*cking is literally destructive, it's probably wise to discontinue. After all, there are plenty of people out there who you can actually f*ck -- sans hate.

Unless, you know, you're not very confident in yourself.

"If I hate myself, is masturbating considered hate-f*cking?" asked Ben*, 23.

It can be, Ben. It can be.

* Name has been changed.