Universal Pictures

10 Sex Tips That Actual Health Hazards

By

I'm someone who spends the majority of my life trying to figure out how I can make more experiences feel like I'm sleeping on a couch, so I might not be the MOST reliable when it comes to crazy and wild sex tips.

That being said, I feel like I can safely weigh in on some of the fairly obvious bullshit parading itself as hot, sexy tips and tricks for inside the bedroom.

Insider deets: If it sounds unsafe, unsanitary or uncomfortable, it probably IS unsafe, unsanitary or uncomfortable.

Look, it wasn't MY idea to make the parts of our body that emit waste also our most pleasurable zones, but here we all are.

Here are some sex ideas that are probably health hazards.

Doing it in a hot tub

Don't make me bring up that "100 Ways To Die" episode where a guy gets his penis stuck in a jet hole and drowns. DON'T MAKE ME DO IT.

Not to mention the fact that hot tubs are, like, nasty. Sure, let me just take out my genitals and wave them around in a literal boiling cesspool of other people's body remnants.

I'm sure there's a well-to-do scientist out there who could argue chlorine kills any bacteria, but again, Y U TRYNA GET CHLORINE ON UR SEXY BITS?

Using food

Name one food that isn't sticky, slimy, crumbly, greasy, scratchy or expires if left unrefrigerated. Unless you're into dumping unsalted almonds onto bare breasts, pass on this endeavor.

The ONE exception I will make is if we are individually sitting across from a table, eating cake and ice cream, making small talk, and not actually having sex at all and just in fact eating cake and ice cream.

Sex on the beach

Naked genitals and coarse sand go together like a wool shirt goes with eczema, AKA NOT THAT WELL.

Exposing your naked bod to the elements only has rug burn and chafing written all over it.

Don't even get me started on the literal billions of micro-organisms that live in one drop of ocean water. I am NOT trying to have "Finding Nemo 3" take place in my vaginal canal.

Fire play

From what I can tell, this involves things like melting wax, burning candles and playing with things like matches and LITERAL FIRE to heat up your skin and create the allusion of danger.

Or in this case, ya know, real danger.

I've hit my face with a curling iron before, and my vagina is NOT interested in that kind of heat.

Knife play

OK. So I thought this was one of two things: either that crazy, messed up game where you stab a knife between your fingers really fast like the video below, or tossing knives at one another like you're in the circus.

 

Rusty Cage on YouTube

After asking around (at work no less), what knife play ACTUALLY is is dragging a blade along your partners skin, again hinting at — or should I say, REALLY IMPLYING — danger.

I get a paper cut if I look at a printer from across the room, so I'm gonna pass on the whole knife thing.

Choking

If a sex move also doubles as a way of murdering someone, take that as a sign it's probably not GREAT for your health.

Also, watch some "Law & Order: SVU," for God's sake. All it takes is one little mental snap from your partner, and before you know it, Ice-T is standing over you, saying, "Girl didn't even see it coming."

Do you want Ice-T standing over your dead body?! DO YOU?!

Anal, if you aren't paying attention

Look, I'm not here to knock butt stuff.

I AM here to tell you that doing a little P in the B and then popping in to the V and then back into the B and visa versa is a great way to transfer some pretty serious bacteria to parts of your body that, well, don't LOVE bacteria.

Watch where you're sticking your body parts, 'cause it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye... or a vagina.

Mile high club

Small spaces and flailing body limbs never go well together.

Plus, unexpected turbulence could lead to some uncomfortable bumps, and not the fun, sexy kind, but more like the concussion on the low ceiling kind.

The idea of being shoved into a small space and the potential of my pants GOD FORBID touching the airplane ground floor is enough to keep me up for weeks.

Road head

What is the first thing you learned in driver's ed? Keep your hands on 10 and 2.

Second rule? Don't drive if someone is giving you oral sex. Pull over for that shit.

I'm sure there is a study somewhere that says driving while receiving oral sex is probably the equivalent of driving under the influence, and I am NOT trying to die today because you and your boo are being an idiot on the road.

Turn on your signal, turn on those blinkers and roll the windows UP.

Stall sex

Hot tip: Don't have sex in any location that requires you to wash your hands after leaving said location.

Another hot tip: Avoid places where people literally poop and pee to do the dirty.

There's a reason the phrase "I don't shit where I eat" is a thing, and as a rule of thumb, if it isn't safe for something to go in my mouth, I'm not gong to put it near my genitals either.

Listen, sexual deviants. Use your heads. (No, not THAT head... I mean your intelligence.)

There are literally endless ways to have risk-ayyyy sex without putting you or your partner's health at risk.

If you absolutely HAVE to engage in any of the above, bring a safe word, some hand sanitizer and an extra dose of confidence.