The Pleasure Is Purely Selfless: Why Oral Sex Is More Intimate Than Sex


Look, people. Unless the guy is my boo, I'm not going to give just any man a blowjob.

For one, blowjobs are work. They are not some frivolous, mindless act; they require concentration, skill and patience. In the immortal words of Samantha Jones, "Honey, they don't call it a JOB for nothing."

I mean, what's in it for me? I'm far more likely to jump in the sack with you than I am to get on my knees -- mainly because I'd rather actually have a shot at an orgasm. I'd rather pick up a hottie at the bar, throw a condom on him and BAM, get it in and be finished with the whole thing.

I know that sex doesn't necessarily mean putting a P in the V. I know that oral sex doesn't happen only between a man and a woman. I'm not trying to be awkward and weird with my heteronormativity.

But I am a straight woman. So for the sake of flow and consistency, I'm going to refer to oral sex from my perspective -- that is, sucking that good dick.

Oral sex is a complicated event. It takes a lot of work and a quite a bit of trust, and it's way more intimate than regular, run-of-the-mill sex.

Sex is instant gratification; oral sex is foreplay.

If you're drunk at a bar and you take someone home, you're not going to take the time to go down on this rando. You're going to let him stick his dick inside you and flail around wildly before collapsing on your body.

That's all a one-night stand really is, anyway: Putting the P in the V. Wanting to get yours and get out.

Oral sex is foreplay. It takes precision and dedication. When was the last time you gave an adequate, drunken blowjob? Sure, you might have popped his d*ck in your mouth for a few seconds during your intoxicated attempts to be sexy, but that's probably it.

With oral sex, you give while receiving nothing in return.

Sexual intercourse is mostly selfish. Sure, you want the other person to get off, but your own orgasm is your first priority.

But giving head is, at the core, a selfless act. (Also, there's no position more vulnerable than being on your knees.)

If you're giving a blowjob, you're serving this other person with no guarantee that you'll receive the same satisfaction. You're giving up your pleasure -- and perhaps suffering some discomfort -- for the sake of making someone else happy. You're valuing another person's pleasure above your own.

You're showing him you genuinely care that he feels good. You don't care only about yourself.

And even if you're giving head to get head, you have to trust that the other person is going to return the favor, which may not always happen.

You're clearly banking a lot on this person, and that is intimate in and of itself.

There is no position more vulnerable than being on your knees.

With sex, you're equals. You both control the level of intimacy in this encounter, and you're both getting something out of it.

But giving head automatically puts another person in control. You're in the submissive position.

You have to trust a guy enough to feel comfortable getting on your knees and putting his penis in your mouth. You have to trust him to not treat you like garbage during or after the act.

By agreeing to give him head, you're demonstrating that you have faith in your relationship and believe he's a good person.

Sex can be thoughtless; oral sex requires focus.

Sex can be impersonal, anonymous and short-lived.

But oral sex requires dedication and focus. It's a job that takes skill. And if you're giving head, you're focusing on sharing your skills for your partner's benefit.

Oral sex isn't something that can be taken lightly. One wrong move with oral sex, and someone could get hurt (think: teeth), because it's a sex act that requires your attention and affection.

If you're putting in the work, you obviously like this person.

If I'm giving you a blowjob, you can bet your blue balls that I have a thing for you. I don't feel the need to put in any extra effort for a dude I don't give a sh*t about. If I want to go down on you, it's because I like you.

If someone is willing to put horniness on the backburner for the delight of a partner, that's a demonstration of affection. If you're deep-throating a guy, you're into him. Why else take on such a task?