The Boyhood Blues: Everything You Could Want To Know About Blue Balls
We've all been there. You've been dry humping for half an hour, and you are TIRED. The last thing you want to do is finish your partner off, so you don't. Then he starts complaining.
“But I'm gonna get the worst blue balls ever!" he says.
And you think, is that even actually a real thing?
Well, we already know that blue balls are a real thing. For those of you who are still completely unclear on what I am talking about, Urban Dictionary gives us a nice working definition:
The excruciating pain a man receives when his balls swell to the size of coconuts because of lack of sex, unfinished bjs and just not cummin when he knows he should. Cure: JUST WACK IT MAN!! Or get your woman to help you out and do the job right. It's that simple to make the horrible pain go away. Note to all women: NEVER NEVER NEVER give your man blue balls... it's the [worst pain] he will ever feel in his life, and he never deserves it...well, almost never…
Okay, hold on. Yes, science says that blue balls are real, but are they really the worst (or “worse,” in the words of “Sexy Otter,” who posted this fantastic definition in the first place) pain a man will ever feel in his LIFE?! Seems a little extreme to me.
I decided to look into it a bit. Forty-six brave men (including four who admitted to never having experienced blue balls) gave me a firsthand account of everything and anything there is to know about blue balls.
So next time you get a little tired in the heat of your dry-hump fest and want to call it quits, take a look at these stats, and get familiar with what you may or may not be putting your partner through.
How frequently do guys get blue balls?
As it turns out, blue balls are a bit more common for some men than they are for others. Here is what we found:
26 percent of respondents get blue balls every time they don't finish.
65 percent of respondents get blue balls every once in a while.
9 percent of respondents have NEVER HAD BLUE BALLS.
I'm thinking the last 9 percent are either immune or just REALLY pull.
How painful are blue balls?
This is the question that was really killing me. Just how bad are blue balls, really?
20 percent of respondents described the pain as mild.
55 percent of respondents described the pain as moderate.
25 percent of respondents described the pain as unbearable.
Sucks to be that 25 percent.
What do blue balls actually feel like?
I got a lot of great responses from some very descriptive individuals on what it really is like to endure blue balls.
As a means of not boring you with 42 different versions of the same answer, I reduced it to eight of the most representative and intriguing responses, all of whom are unfortunately anonymous but ranged from 22 to 27 in age:
Depending on the length of time, the pain is a physical soreness, I think, stemming from a prolonged active period. It's like how your muscles hurt the day after exercise, except this pain stems from a lack of release as opposed to a total release. But in straightforward terms, I would say it just feels like someone smacked your balls around, and they just started to recover. Like, if my balls played a game of football, how they would feel the next day is blue balls. Again though, the pain is a pent-up feeling from no release, so releasing usually helps the feeling.
-- Age 23
Combo of getting hit in the balls and holding in pee so long, it hurts.
-- Age 24
An intense combination of psychological, emotional, and physical pain. Three parts equal.
-- Age 25
Like the worst gas ever.
-- Age 25
Getting kicked in the balls.
-- Age 22
An iron fist clenching.
-- Age 24
Missing an open net in FIFA.
-- Age 24
Getting rammed in the butthole by a hockey stick and having it come out of my nutsack.
-- Age 27
Next time you want to ram a douchebag in the butthole by a hockey stick, just forget to finish him off instead. Easier means for the same ends, AMIRITE?!
Do blue balls get better or worse with age?
67 percent of respondents claimed that their blue balls got better with age, and 33 percent claimed that their blue balls actually got worse as they got older.
So, for most guys, blue balls are like a fine wine. For others, I guess they're more like... a female in the modeling business or our livers over time in college.
Do your blue balls usually go away with time?
For most men, and for most tired girls across the globe, 77 percent of respondents found that their blue balls actually went away with time (without finishing). The remaining 23 percent of fellows were not so lucky.
I am not a doctor, and I also do not have a dick, so I really have a hard time wrapping my head around the concept of blue balls that do not go away with time. You really mean to tell me that, if you do nothing about it, you would have blue balls FOREVER?!
I just keep imagining an old man whimpering at the grocery store and cursing the girl who refused to finish him off 43 years ago.
What do guys usually do to get rid of your blue balls?
In terms of moving forward after having been faced with blue balls, guys have some different techniques:
49 percent of guys will finish themselves off.
36 percent of guys will ask their partners to finish them off.
15 percent of guys will do nothing.
Now, there were some boys who would do things a little differently. I'm thinking of one feisty 23-year-old fellow who said he would finish “IN THE BATHROOM. LEAVE THAT GIRL TO LIE IN BED BY HERSELF.”
Or another playboy who explained that he would "go find a chick to have sex with. If you don't have one in your current rotation then you are forced to go out and find a potential 'de-blue-baller' (someone who will take away your blue balls)."
I honestly could not make up this sh*t up if I tried.
Do guys resent their partners for giving them blue balls?
Turns out that, for some guys, a case of blue balls could potentially be a huge deal breaker. But don't worry, there are still some guys who know how to build a bridge and get over it. Heck, there are even some who are turned on by it!
Here's what we found:
15 percent of respondents answered that yes, they would resent their partners a lot.
44 percent of respondents answered that yes, they would resent their partners only in the moment.
30 percent of respondents answered that no, they would not resent their partners because it's not a big deal.
11 percent of respondents answered that no, they would not resent their partners because they find themselves intrigued by the chase.
Moral of the story: If you don't feel the impulse to kick this guy in the balls, you probably should not be blue-balling him, either. Turns out, it actually hurts, and there's a 16 percent chance you will REALLY piss him off. But if he is resenting you, that's his problem.
But then again, there's also an 11 percent chance he will be REALLY into you, so... *insert creepy-smirking-face emoji here*.