4 Reasons Beach Sex Is The Absolute Worst Sex You Could Ever Have

If you're doing summer the way beer commercials say you're supposed to, you're spending your weekends on the beach with a bunch of attractive people drinking low-calorie alcoholic beverages and somehow never getting sunburned.

For some people, an abundance of light beer, UV rays and tan people wearing less clothes than what is normally considered socially acceptable is the recipe for the perfect Saturday in the summer.

For others, it's a cocktail that can lead to a wide variety of decisions you regret when you wake up with a sunburn, like having sex on the beach (which just so happens to be the name of a cocktail that can lead to the wide variety of decisions you regret).

In the moment, getting it on in the sand can seem like a fantastic idea because rational thinking tends to take a backseat to piña colada-fueled passion almost 100 percent of the time.

However, unless you were just lowered off a white stallion by a muscular man with flowing hair and a linen shirt billowing in the ocean breeze (i.e. you're the lead character in a paperback romance novel), beach sex is a bad idea for so many more reasons than "sand in places sand shouldn't go," like...

Sand is going to go in places it shouldn't go.

Sorry. I swear the rest of this article will be a little more involved, but you can't just write about the downsides of sex on the beach without mentioning the most obvious downside: getting to experience what it's like to rub sandpaper on your genitals.

The overall impact might not be as extreme, but the combination of microscopic rocks and repetitive thrusting can result in microscopic cuts (both inside and outside) your most intimate areas.

This can not only lead to inflammation and infection, but it also greatly increases your risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. Knowing what I know about the people who tend to have sex on the beach, that's something you're going to want to keep in mind.

Beaches are covered in poop.

Let's say you managed to find someone who falls in the microscopic overlap of "People Who Have Beach Sex" and "People Who Don't Have An STD." It's great your partner is clean; it would be a lot greater if the beach was, too.

I'm not saying anyone who goes to the beach could save themselves the trouble by vacationing in their cat's litter box, but a recently released study revealed sand can contain up 100 times more bacteria than the water people have been peeing in the entire day.

If you've ever ignored the most basic rules of bathroom hygiene or intercourse involving nontraditional holes, I don't have to tell you about the downsides of having fecal matter in places it doesn't come out naturally.

If you haven't, I'd suggest avoiding sex on the beach unless you want to be cursed with the kind of knowledge nobody wants to learn from firsthand experience.

Salt water doesn't do you any favors.

Elite Daily has done the general public a great service with its extensive coverage of the downsides of shower sex, and if you decide to finally fulfill your fantasy of making love while a wave washes over you, you're going to run into a lot of the same problems.

However, the salt water introduces a few interesting elements into the equation, especially if you're one of those people who has to be concerned with things like "maintaining a certain pH balance to avoid unfortunate and uncomfortable consequences in the long run."

Also, remember those microscopic cuts I was talking about earlier? Salt water is an antiseptic. It's kind of hard to keep the mood romantic when you're screaming in pain while rolling around naked in the sand.

You'll probably become a sex offender.

By now, I think I've made a fairly compelling argument against banging on the beach based almost exclusively on all the ways it will destroy the most cherished parts of the human body.

Let's say you managed to emerge from your romantic encounter unscathed. This is a truly incredible story that deserves to be shared, and I'm sure the drunk guys with you in the holding cell at the police station would love to hear it.

Unless you have the luxury of owning a private island with secluded lagoons, having sex on the beach is highly illegal basically everywhere in the world. If you don't understand why, you're too young to be reading this article.

Beach sex can lead to a wide variety of problems you'll have to deal with for the rest of your life, the least desirable of which is probably having to introduce yourself to your neighbors as the area's newest sex offender.

That's exactly what a couple that was filmed doing naughty things underneath their blankets at a public beach in Florida will have do after they were convicted of lewd and lascivious behavior -- although the man in the equation will have to serve a two-and-a-half-year prison sentence before he can start knocking on doors.

In summary: Beach sex is a bad idea. If you really want an underwhelming romantic encounter involving water and sand with significantly less risk involved, head back to the sketchy motel room you rented and do it in the shower there.

Just try to avoid touching the mold. That's not good for you either.