A 5-Step Etiquette Guide To Hooking Up With A Co-Worker On The Sly

by Zara Barrie

Look, if your office is like the sexist, exploitive Fox News office, (Fox News and sexual harassment toward women?! SHOCK ME, SHOCK ME!) with in an "explosive" lawsuit that's being deemed a "sex-fueled, Playboy Mansion cult," this article does not pertain to you.

I'm in no way defending sexual harassment in the work place, however. MY GOD.

I'm not talking about Roger Ailes, Bill Shine or the lovely Bill O'Reilly (if you don't know I'm joking about the "lovely" part, I worry for you), all of whom are being sued in the New York City Supreme Court by former Fox News host, Andrea Tantaros, for sexual harassment.

I'm talking about when you, a fierce woman of the world, are knee-deep in the throes of a WORK CRUSH.

I already taught you how to seduce that work crush a couple of months ago, so I figure now is the time to cover the proper etiquette of the in-office affair.

After all, I can't morally teach you how to seduce without going over the rules of what happens post-seduction.

Personally, I'm all for an office affair. It's wildly romantic. It's forbidden, and we all know what's forbidden is majorly sexy.

And as long as you're a relatively sane creature who knows how to be professional, even when the affair blows up in flames (as affairs do), I say go for it. It will be compelling content for your memoir.

But do not go for it recklessly. Go for it with tact and grace.

If you're going to be scandalous, you must always be smart. Recklessly scandalous people get busted and ruin the lives of innocent people. You have to be low-key scandalous in this ruthless day and age.

So, let's get down to business.

Here is a five-step etiquette guide to ensure you embark on the office hookup in a classy, sophisticated manner:

1. Be an ice-cold bitch.

If you're hooking up with someone from work, you MUST be an ice queen toward that person during the work day.

Because once you open the kindness door, the chemistry will come flying through and it will be transparent to everyone.

Your cheeks will get rosy. You'll exchange a wink or two without even realizing it. There will be palpable sexual tension when the two of you are in a crowded elevator.

People will catch on. And if your office is like most offices, then everyone is bored, hates their lives and totally live for an office ~ scandal~. You will be the subject of incessant gossip.

And maybe Debbie from HR will find out, and we all know Debbie from HR is a real bitch. So, you need to go with the other extreme.

Don't even look your office hookup in the eye as you stride through the office. Keep your gaze direct as you strut in your mega heels toward the fax machine, babe.

2. Dress low-key sexy.

OK, so you're acting like a total bitch without feelings toward your office hookup? GOOD, that's half the battle, my scandalous, SMART little kitten.

However, if you want to escalate the sex when you're out of the office, you need to dress low-key sexy in order to drive your hookup crazy.

Nothing will drive them wild more than you strutting around in a sexy pantsuit or a gorgeous dress (whatever your version of sexy is), while totally ignoring them.

It will infuriate them to their core. And we all know what infuriates us makes us totally hot, too.

And the sex will now have an element of frustration and hate in it, and there is no sex better than sex loaded with frustrated feelings.

3. Shut the fuck up about it.

Don't tell anyone. Don't get drunk at the office happy hour and gush to your co-workers about your dirty little secret.

The rumors will fly, and the next thing you know, that mega bitch Debbie from HR will be calling you into her windowless office.

4. Never arrive together.

Look, it's unrealistic to think that you're not going to spend the night together. You will, and that's just the stone-cold truth.

However, don't ever take the subway together. It will be suspicious as hell when you're on the same train and run into the nosy intern.

"Wait, don't you live on the Upper East Side, Zara? What are you doing taking the L train to work? And wait... why are you with..." is the last thing anyone wants to hear (FOR THE RECORD: I'm not having an office affair, I'm just using myself as an example because it's my job to throw myself under the bus in order to make the world a better place).

One of you needs to take an Uber, and the other needs to take the train. I know Uber is expensive, but I never said having an in-office affair was CHEAP.

5. Avoid office happy hour.

If you go to the office happy hour together, you will get busted. You can't hide chemistry when you're drinking. The walls will come down, and you'll think you're all slick when you sneak away to a conference room to make out.

But you're not slick when you're drunk.

And come Monday, that bitch Debbie from HR will have WORDS for you, babe.