Everyone is freaking out about the leaked photos of Usain Bolt's hookup with a 20-year-old girl in Rio.
"Superstar Cheats On His Long-Term Girlfriend On His 30th Birthday!", the headlines declare.
I mean, let's not feign surprise. It's a tale as old as time. Men cheat. Famous men cheat even more.
Of course, everyone is pissed at the girl, Jady Duarte, because she took photos of the night and sent them to her "friends" on What'sApp — the reason why they allegedly "leaked" to the entire internet.
Apparently she's super ashamed and super embarrassed and just wants to crawl into a hole and hide.
Well look, babes, it's Monday, and I don't have the time to tip-toe around and be subtle. It's been a hell of a day already, so let me give it to you point-blank: This girl should have NEVER taken pictures of her celeb hookup.
But hey, I totally get the temptation. There is a very real (and short-lived) thrill to hooking up with a celebrity — especially when you're young, bored and ravenous for that validation. Let's not judge.
Taking a picture is especially tempting if none of your friends will believe that you had this star-studded romp unless you can provide solid photo documentation as proof.
But that's a deeper issue: You can't have sex with a celebrity to impress your friends. (If that's your sole intention, you need new friends.) You have to have sex with them to impress yourself! Duh.
If you're foolish enough to take a picture, though, I promise you the photos will leak and everyone will hate you. Because the sad truth is, everyone always hates the other woman. Everyone who has ever been cheated on will target you to work through their own issues with cheating.
Is it fair? No, of course not. But it's the way it is.
But who can really blame our girl Jady for taking pictures? She's 20 years old. When I was 20 years old, I didn't know celebrity hookup etiquette either.
But now I'm 30, I've lived a sinful life, and boy, do I know celeb hookup etiquette.
The truth is, I come from a long line of starfuckers. Let's just say everyone close to me has slept with a celebrity. I can't help it. I'm just surrounded by fab women who can bang anyone they want.
So lucky for me (and really lucky for you), I put together a little guide for you so that, if and when you hookup with "that guy from that show," you don't get a bad rep.
If only my advice could have reached poor Jady before she made her fatal mistake, I could have saved her from the shame. And that's my sole intention in this cruel, cold world: To save my fellow girl kittens from shame.
If I can't save her, maybe I can save you. So, here are the 5 steps of successfully surviving your wild night with a famous person:
Step 1: Don't take fucking pictures.
If you take pictures of a celebrity taking shots with you at the bar, making out with you, lying in bed with you, or just drunkenly mugging for a selfie with you, the photos will leak.
And there is nothing trashier than hooking up with a celebrity and then having pictures of the experience go viral.
No celebrity (and perhaps, average civilian, depending on who the celeb is) will ever want to have sex with you again, and you don't want that! You want to leave your options open!
Step 2: Don't trust anyone.
If there's one thing I've learned from my Hollywood days, it's that your best friends are your best friends — until a celebrity gets tossed into the mix.
Famous people put a spell on otherwise normal, nice people, and turn them into vile monsters. If you tell your best friend about your celeb sexual encounter, they will tell someone else, no matter how much they swear they won't.
Think about it: It's the best gossip ever. They won't be able to help themselves. It's a force greater than us.
Step 3: Remember, word travels fast.
Once you mess up step #2 and tell ONE friend, it will only be a matter of hours before it's online (and the internet is a nasty, nasty place).
I know, I know, you think I probably just have shitty friends who do this to each other. But I've seen it happen a million times. You might not even be able to pinpoint which one of your bonehead friends ratted you out, but one will.
There are reporters out there who's full-time jobs are to catch a cheating celebrity. They will publish that shit before you even finish the last sentence of your story to your friend.
And they pay lots of money to people who leak stories. Your friends, most likely, can all be bought. It's a sad, dark truth, girls. Almost everyone has a price.
Step 4: OK, you can tell your mother, but that's it.
I know you're going to have to tell someone. The only person you can trust is your mother. Your mother is probably the only person in your life who can't be bought when it comes to selling your personal sexcapades to the tabloids.
Step 5: Deny, deny, deny.
So maybe your story does get leaked, and not by any mistake of your own. Maybe people see you leaving the hotel room together. Maybe the bartender tells some salacious gossip monger reporter that you were making out at the bar.
When you're pressed by the press, just be A CLASSY LADY.
Don't say a word to anyone who asks you, even if they bully you or pretend to be on your side. No one is on your side in Hollywood. Why do you think everyone in the spotlight eventually goes mental? All that betrayal will drive anyone insane.
And don't pull the whole coy "no comment" stunt. Just say "I don't know what you're talking about but I have to get back to my job," and hold your classy head up high.
Wear a high bun. A woman in a high bun is just more trustworthy than a woman with flowing locks.
Deny the rumors to your friends, deny it to your boyfriend or girlfriend (if you have one), deny it to whomever you pray to at night. Because, there is nothing worse than exploiting a celebrity who was vulnerable and had sex with you just so you can elevate your reputation and get some short-lived media attention.
You're better than that, babes.
In fact, don't harbor too much on the celebrity aspect of the whole thing. If you really think about it, he was lucky to hook up with YOU, because you're going to be even more famous than him one day soon, and you're even more fabulous now.
If the story leaks, it could ruin your reputation, which is far more precious and golden than his.
Finally, there is something really sexy about a secret hookup you never tell anyone (but Mom) about, you know?