I'm so tired of everyone acting like such an annoying goody two-shoes when it comes to having a work crush.
"OH, IT'S SO UNPROFESSIONAL! DON'T EVER FALL FOR ANYONE AT WORK!" basic bitches drone on and on, flipping their perfectly styled, blow-dried hair with their perfectly manicured fingers.
Every time I hear a woman vehemently preach against the idea of the office romance, I take a long, hard look at her. And 9 times out of 10, this woman is leading a boring, dismal life that I wouldn't want to lead anyway.
OK, so maybe I'm being too harsh and I'm projecting my own insecurities about being RECKLESS and IRRESPONSIBLE onto the more "pulled together" woman, but, like, whatever. It's Friday morning, and I leave for the f*cking south of France in two days. What the hell do you expect? Subtlety? Sweetness? I'm going to Europe, the birthplace of the unapologetic fierce female. I'm practicing, OK?
Kittens, rules are meant to be broken, especially when it comes to matters of sex and love. Plus, we all know that crushes make life more fun. Work sucks, and having a little bit of sexual excitement in the office will only make your dull life better.
I like to think about it like this: When I'm a 90-year-old spinster ridden with liver spots (but still looking fab in head-to-toe Chanel, DUH), will I look back on doing sinful things, like screwing my co-worker, with remorse and regret? Hell no! In fact, my 90-year-old self is wagging her finger at me right now from the nursing home and saying, "DO IT, YOUNG ZARA."
Do we want to pen an interesting, lively memoir full of screwups, boundless glory, massive highs and brutal lows? Why yes, I think we do, thankyouverymuch. A life spent playing by the rules does not a New York Times bestseller make. Drugs, sex, rock and roll (and having sex with your co-worker) does.
So stop listening to boring chicks lecturing you about how much of your bagel you should scoop out, what barre class you need to be taking and whom you should be crushing on. I support you.
Now that we've established that it's OK to follow through with your office crush without guilt (honestly, guilt is a useless emotion. Get over the whole guilt thing. It's boring), I'm going to give you a few tips and tricks to help you seduce your work crush. Here is my 7-step no-fail guide.
Step 1: Be low-key about it.
You have to keep your work crush a massive secret. Otherwise, Debbie from the third floor who already hates your guts is going to spread rumors like wildfire, and the next thing you know, the bitch from HR will be calling you in for a meeting. I don't want that for you.
So just don't tell anyone, you hear? Message me, your lesbian big sister, on Facebook if you need to gush. And please, please beware of happy hour. It will always lead to you revealing your work crush, and somehow it will get back to Debbie.
Also, secrets are just SEXY. Your crush will be amplified if you keep it strictly to yourself. It will add a whole other element of sin, and what's sexier than sin? Nothing.
Step 2: Step up your outfit game.
I get that most people don't work in environments where crop tops and torn jeans are allowed. However, it's really fun to try and dress sexy while feeling oppressed by a stifling dress code. Think of it as a challenge (which will add another element of sexiness to your work crush, because challenges get us hot).
I say go a little fetishy with your "business casual." If you're into femme fashion, rock the skintight pencil skirt, black porn star/sexy librarian glasses and a no-nonsense blazer. Go dressed in character of the sexy business archetype. It drives both men and women wild (I don't know how the hell you swing, and I don't care. Business women are HOT, whether you're gay, straight, bi or questioning).
Instead of wearing sensible flats, put on a coy kitten heel. And most importantly, adorn that leg in super-slutty thigh highs instead of boring tights. Yeah, your crush might never see them, but you will ~feel~ like a naughty vixen when wearing them. Thigh highs are like hiding a sexy little secret tucked beneath your stiff pencil skirt. And haven't we already established that secrets are sexy?
For my ladies into more "masculine" style, you need to dress like a powerful business woman who may or may not moonlight as a dominatrix on the weekend. I'm talking full suit that's perfectly tailored to your hot body. Keep the hair out of your face, wear some come-f*ck-me boots and strut around the office like you're going to whip anyone who cuts you in line at the water cooler. It will drive both men and women totally bonkers, and will surely catch the attention of your office crush.
Step 3: Send bitchy e-mails.
We all know that there are scary corporate forces monitoring everything we do on our work laptops, so you need to proceed with caution here. However, there is a very subtle way to flirt via email that will totally go over the undersexed heads from corporate who sit around all day trolling employee emails.
The way to do it is to start by being really harsh. We all have a hidden fantasy of being taken advantage of by a bossy co-worker, right? Or is that just me? Anyway, email your office crush in a very over-the-top and curt style.
"Rob, I need you to fax the documents to LA ASAP"
Don't even sign your name. Trust me, Rob will be like, "Who does this bitch think she is, bossing me around!?" But he'll like it. He will slowly become intrigued. Then, start throwing him little bones...
"Rob, I need you to book me a conference room at 4 pm. Oh, and thank you for the fax yesterday..."
Rob (or Roberta) will start to yearn for your approval. Your subtle email validation will be addictive. It's the perfect way to manipulate someone into having a crush on you.
I'm not saying this is morally right. But hey, you're the one with the sinful office crush, and I'm a notorious sin enabler. So let's not act innocent here. That ship has sailed.
Step 4: Lightly brush up against him or her.
Since you've been dressing sexy and sending out bitchy emails, you're already halfway to the bedroom. Well done. I'm so proud of your scandalous progress.
Now it's time to amp up the game a little. If you see your crush (this time we'll use a girl, for my fellow lesbians) refilling her coffee from across the room, christen your lips with lipgloss and make your way toward her with fierceness and confidence.
If you're nervous, just pretend you took a tequila shot. I do that all the time when I have social anxiety.
You need to "accidentally" brush up against her. Then, you must say, "Oh sorry, I didn't see you there! My bad" with a sexy little smirk on your face.
And she will be left with the lingering sensation of your body lightly pressed up against hers for the rest of the day. Works like a charm.
Step 5: Go for after-work drinks.
You're finally ready for the after-work drink.
"Hey Rob, want to grab a drink after work? It's BEEN A DAY!" you dramatically lament, your porn star glasses resting at the tip of your nose, your red lips pouting and your power blazer perfectly ironed.
This will lead you perfectly into the next step...
Step 6: Have sex with him or her.
We all know what after-work drinks leads to. Sex. Preferably in your crush's apartment, not yours, because you still want to maintain an air of mystery.
Step 7: Loudly ignore your crush the next day.
Don't act all awkward and flirtatious in the office. That's annoying, and your crush will only feel embarrassed. Be sure to loudly ignore your crush in the office from that point forward. It will add to a longer-lasting affair.
He or she will crave your attention at work, but you won't give him or her the time of day. This will make the sex really explosive because it has the added dimensions of scandal and resentment.
And that's the ultimate goal right? Explosive sex? Of course it is.