Elite Daily

Lez Get You Laid: How To Tell If A Girl Is Gay, As Told Through Making Apple Pie

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My whole life I've prided myself on my incredible gaydar. Seriously.

When I was in the third grade, I distinctly remember noticing the girl two desks away from me. As I chewed on my pink pencil eraser, I thought to myself, "Oh, she's a total lesbian."

How did I even know what a lesbian was?

Well, I grew up with two parents in the fashion industry. I've been surrounded by queer energy since I came out of the womb.

Plus, hey, it takes one to know one, right, kittens?

All of my friends — gay, straight, bi, poly, queer and pans — are always tugging at my shirtsleeves saying, "ZARA, how can you like, TELL, if a girl is GAY?"

For a long time, I just stuck my prim nose in the air, rolled my hazel eyes and purred, "Some skills just can't be taught, darling."

But you know what? Let me confess something: I got tired of being the one constantly having to scope out my friend's crushes. I grew weary of always having to break the hearts of my sweet, baby lesbian friends by being the one to break the bitter news: "Nah, she's straight, honey."

It started to age me. These dark circles resting beneath my eyes aren't genetic, despite what you may think. They're from a lifetime of bearing bad news.

So I decided to retire from my position of being the reigning master of le gaydar (or le queerdar; whatever you prefer, babes. I'm open). I decided, at 30 years old, it was time to pass the rainbow torch along to the next generation.

And while intuitive gaydar cannot be taught, practical gaydar can be.

So, I got together with my girl Sierra, Elite Daily's very own fierce force of bisexual nature, and we muddled our brains together. We broke down exactly how to tell if a girl is on the queer spectrum.

Shockingly, we realized it's actually not so different from making apple pies. The beauty of making these warm, yummy, gooey baked goods is that, as long as you follow the recipe exactly, you're golden. Anyone, even someone like me who is inept at cooking, can bake a fucking pie.

It's the same with determining a girl's sexuality. If you follow my trusty instructions to a T, you've got it made. Welcome to the dark side, kitten.

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