When I was a kid, I used to be obsessed with this awesome little book series delicately titled, "Something QUEER Is Going On."
And no, you spoiled little progressive Millennial, it wasn't an LGBTQ+ children's book series. They were written in the early 70s, and no such thing existed in those days. NOTE: I was not alive in the 70s and I don't know how I got ahold of this series, but rest assured I came of age in the 90s.
Anyway, it's about these two badass little girl sleuths who solve mysteries alongside their trusty basset hound, Fletcher (please PM me if you've read these books, I'm mildly worried I made the whole thing up in my complicated, queer head).
One of the characters would feverishly tap her braces with her fingers when she felt "something queer was going on" — meaning something "fishy" or "bizarre." Oh, I loved these books and devoured them like an unsupervised child running loose in Dylan's Candy Bar.
Cut to about 20-something years later, and now I'm the one tapping on my proverbial braces. Because honey, something queer is most definitely going on.
Except the definition of "queer" has most definitely changed in the past decade, hasn't it now, darling? Our lovely little word has become the all-encompassing word for anyone who identifies as lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, pans, gender queer, curious or anything else on the wild and wonderful spectrum of s-e-x-u-a-l-i-t-y.
If I were to define queer, I would use two simple words: Not. Straight.
And babes, lez me tell you, in my 30 harrowing years sifting through the cruel, cold landscape of Planet Earth, never have I ever seen so much incredible QUEER GIRL BEAUTY circling around and brightening up the bleak, snooze-worthy, "straight" (who do those boys in bands with bangs think they're kidding?) Kardashian-saturated media.
I mean, holy hell. It seems like every day, a new, gorgeous Millennial celebrity let's us know she's here and she's fucking queer.
In fact, I would argue to say the queer girl babes are the sexiest babes in all of media. They all have a fierce personal style, incredible artistry, bone structure for days and mind-blowing talent to boot.
I guess all the time spent in the closet, surrounded by all those sparkly childhood clothes, really gave us queer girls proper time to cultivate a sick fashion sense, harbor our creative talent and a develop a fearless individuality. I mean, is it a coincidence that all the queer girls are the fierce girls? Hell no. That's why I've been telling you all along that being queer is a BLESSING not a CURSE, lovely.
Speaking of fearless individuality, can we talk about the pouting trend of the queer girl celebs? My entire life I've been accused of being "too brooding" in pictures, and never did I realize that it's connected to my sexuality (duh!), until today.
We queer kittens like to pout. We're not smiling, Taylor Swift chicks, we're more of a complicated breed. We're more swaggy, complex girl creatures with skeptical raised brows and seductive, smoldering gazes.
Trust me, I hounded the Internet for pics of all the girls smiling, and then I thought "Screw it, Zara." We are who we are, and we're fierce and outspoken about everything in life. So, it's no shocker that us queer girls don't want to force a smile, either. Except for Ruby, she's totally into smiling. But according to her Instagram, she's newly ~in love~. So of course the lesbian is smiling. She's in a oxytocin state of pure bliss.
Today, I want to talk about your queer girl crush. Because I've been gazing at these sexual gay gazelles all day long, and I've broken down what your queer girl CRUSH SAYS ABOUT YOU, BABE:
Halsey: You're into the dark side.
Halsey is probably the most recent addition to my ever-expanding Queer Girl Crush list, but damn. She's gorgeous.
Not only is she gorgeous, but she's also a god damn musical genius. Her lyrics speak to me on a personal level. And they speak to you, don't they, my fellow troubled soul?
Halsey's soulful voice lures us over to the dark side with her. She makes us want to venture to the ~badlands~ and be gorgeously reckless with her. She makes us want to spill a "$100 dollar bottle of champagne" like her, just to "pour that motherfucker down the drain" like her, doesn't she?
Ruby Rose: You're new.
I mean, look. Ruby Rose is a stunning entity. She just oozes an androgynous prowess that intoxicates women all across the spectrum of sexuality.
But chances are, if Ms. Rose is your go-to girl crush of the moment, you're probably new to the queer girl game. And that's not me being an elitist lesbian (OK, maybe a LITTLE). It's really just because Ruby has been notoriously famous in the lesbian scene for a damn long time now.
I already went through my Ruby Rose phase, and it was way before anyone in the straight world even knew who she was. The Ruby Rose ship has officially sailed for us old-timers.
But for my new queer babies, this is your first time feasting your eyes on her, eh? Enjoy, queer kitten. Because a woman as blazingly hot and as blazingly cool as Ruby comes along once in a decade. Savor this crush while it lasts, cause she's a hard one to top (both literally and figuratively).
Angel Haze: You have a lot of feelings.
If Angel Haze is your go-to queer crush, then you have a lot of ~feelings~, my sensitive soul. Angel is a forcefield of talent.
I mean, who the hell can even stop themselves from breaking out into a sea of sobs when listening to her epic, anthem "Battlecry?" Or is that just me... ?
Kristen Stewart: You're seeking a project.
Calm down, girl! I'm NOT saying you're seeking a project because Kristen Stewart is damaged and needs to be rescued by your dutiful, very capable dyke arms.
I'm saying... girl... you like a challenge. We all know that Kristen Stewart has that super complex look in her eye, like some really intricate thoughts are forever festering in that complicated brain of hers.
But in the fantasy that I've personally projected onto our gorgeous K. Stew, she probably requires time to let you into the inner workings of her mind.
So, if Ms. Stewart is your go-to crush, you're probably just looking to invest your energy into unravelling the thoughts of an intense woman. GOOD LUCK, GIRL. Glad that phase is out of my system!
Ellen Page: This crush has been festering inside of you since Juno.
When my mascara-laden eyes first saw the gorgeous Ellen Page on the big screen in "Juno," I instantly fell into a deep, impenetrable love. She just had a shit ton of queer girl charm that was palpable through the static cinema screen.
My girl-guts told me she totally played for my team, but you know, I don't really go after girls until after they've come out (made that mistake before). So, when Ellen Page came out, I was ecstatic.
If Ellen Page is your go-to girl crush, you're in good company. She's (one of) mine, too! And I know as well as you do that there is no better feeling than your closeted crush COMING OUT of the repressive closet and crossing over to the ~dark side~ with us.
Cara Delevingne: You're a trendy party monster.
Cara is one of the best things to ever happen to the wild and wonderful world of fashion. She's like Kate Moss, but better. She's queer and she actually smiles (occasionally).
And does anyone in the world look like they're having MORE FUN than Cara when wilding out on the shiny town of HollyWeird? HELL NO.
So, if Cara is your go-to queer girl crush, you like to ~party~, honey bunny. And you like to dress really FAB when partying, don't you?
You're all about the pictures. And honestly, you're probably a little bit of a modelizer (model + idolize = modelizer, got it?) because we all know Cara hangs out with all the gorgeous model babes from Kendall, to Gigi, to Karlie.
Samira Wiley: You like nurturing energy.
Oh, Samira Wiley! It's like a stunningly beautiful light from the highest heavens shines down upon her and follows her wherever she goes. She just radiates oodles of positive energy.
You're looking for some Poussey of your own to protect you and shield your frail body from all the bad in this cruel world. And what's so special about Samira is that, while she's got a slew of that coveted gentle energy, you know she could turn on you real fast. And what's more, she'll totally tell off any bitch who dares to mess with you (which no one will, since you have the powerful Ms. Wiley hanging on your fragile arm).
Miley Cyrus: You work on wall street.
Opposites attract, right?
If you're feeling Miley Cyrus, chances are you work in finance and are looking for some wild, scantily-clad, hyper-creative pop singer to shake your tired life up.
And you also want to rescue her from herself, organize her life and let her drive you crazy in the good ways (like sex) and in the bad ways (like the fact that her disorganization will send you spiraling down a dark vortex).
Tegan and Sara: You've got a thing for ~sisters~.
Oh, I know, I shouldn't be putting Tegan and Sara down as the same person because they're entirely two separate entities, with entirely two different personalities blah, blah, blah.
The truth is this: They look alike, they sound alike and they dress alike, babe.
And let's not act smug and pretend like we actually know the lesbian twins in real life. We don't (they just exist in our illicit sexual fantasies).
So, if we're crushing on the lesbian twins, we just have a thing for sisters. And that's OK! I don't judge. Let your freak flag fly, you freaky sister lover.
Michelle Rodriguez: You like a bad ass bitch.
I don't know what it is about Ms. Rodriguez, but she's just got that energy that purrs, "Don't screw with me, bitch."
I don't know her, but I can tell you this: She's a bad ass chick. She might be a little bit of player, and she probably has girls drooling all over her and her swaggy leather jacket. But damn, will this babe keep you safe from any of the predators on the loose in the gay bar.
Ellen DeGeneres: You know your roots (or have "mommy" issues).
We are nothing without our mothership, Queen Ellen DeGeneres. She paved the way for all of us baby dykes, and we should be forever grateful.
And if you're still crushing on Ellen D over Ellen P, then good for you, kitten. You respect your roots. You know where you came from, girl.
I thought I was the only lez left who still lusted after Ellen, and I thought that was because I have daddy (mommy?) issues and like my women a tad bit older. But YOU, sweet kitten, have let me know that I'm not alone in this, and we just respect our roots.